Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
longers said:Could someone please say they don't understand the meringue jokes as I don't want to show my ignorance, thanks..
Same boat, longers!
Early Friday Joke time :)
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
Same boat, longers!
col
Legendary Member
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
longers said:Cheers Crackle, the scottish accent I was applying to it in my head was quite a poor one then
My 'meringue' sounded like Ian Paisley!
Tetedelacourse
New Member
- Location
- Rosyth
Dayvo said:My 'meringue' sounded like Ian Paisley!
Oh so close - you wanted Ian from Paisley.
abchandler
Senior Member
- Location
- Worcs, UK
The Mental Health Hotline
Hello and thank you for calling The Mental Health Hotline. Please choose from one of the following options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, so stay on the line and we'll trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep.
After the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Then wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up; our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
Hello and thank you for calling The Mental Health Hotline. Please choose from one of the following options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, so stay on the line and we'll trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep.
After the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Then wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up; our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
andy_wrx
Über Member
Little old lady sees a little girl in the park with her pet dog.
"Hello little girl, what's your name"
"Petal"
"Petal ? Oh, that's a pretty name"
"Yes, my Mummy & Daddy called me it because when I was a newborn baby, before they decided on my name, they put me in my pram in the garden and a petal fell off one of the flowers and landed on me"
"Oh what a lovely story ! And what about your doggie - what's he called ?"
"Porky"
"Porky ? That's a funny name for a dog"
"Yes, we got him from a farm. They had to get rid of him because he kept trying to f*ck the pigs"
"Hello little girl, what's your name"
"Petal"
"Petal ? Oh, that's a pretty name"
"Yes, my Mummy & Daddy called me it because when I was a newborn baby, before they decided on my name, they put me in my pram in the garden and a petal fell off one of the flowers and landed on me"
"Oh what a lovely story ! And what about your doggie - what's he called ?"
"Porky"
"Porky ? That's a funny name for a dog"
"Yes, we got him from a farm. They had to get rid of him because he kept trying to f*ck the pigs"
Mr Celine
Discordian
- Location
- Waxing my moustache
More practice for scots accents.
Q Two cows are in a field. Which one is on holiday?
A The one with the wee calf.
Q Two cows are in a field. Which one is on holiday?
A The one with the wee calf.
papercorn2000
Senior Member
Chic Murray: comic genius. I only ever saw him once (I would have been about 12) and I couldn't breathe for laughing.
Master of the dead-pan one-liner. Have a look at some of these. Imagine them delivered in a slow West of Scotland drawl...http://members.fortunecity.com/gillonj/chicmurray/
Master of the dead-pan one-liner. Have a look at some of these. Imagine them delivered in a slow West of Scotland drawl...http://members.fortunecity.com/gillonj/chicmurray/
SamNichols
New Member
- Location
- Colne, Lancs
Abitrary said:
That, my good man, is one of the best jokes that I have seen in ages: simple and very literal.
