Found out today we're seperating

[Snizzlepops]

I am sorry to hear this news.
As User46386 said, Your lady says it's over and that will take time to settle in - she is obviously on another page to yourself and unless she has any intention on being on the same page as you again, there is no point in chasing/reconciling the relationship. Take time to yourself and think about future options(with the mention of her buying your half of the house).

A dear wise friend of mine(who is 10years older than late 20s self) told me that when I moved in with my OH that sorting out who does what chores etc are important as that is why people get annoyed at each other! I am lucky that my OH is very well house trained, which means I am the untidy one getting into trouble.

Talk to each other. From people's experience around me, be mature about the breakup - don't get too petty or give her reason to dislike you/hold anything else against you! From what it sounds like, this is a new chapter in your life, so all the best for what is ahead of you.

 

[Dec66]

I went round to a customers house to do the windows today. He's not just a customer but a friend of my wife's from work and i'd class him as a friend of mine as well. He looked a bit glum, then said "I'm sorry to hear about you and (Wife's name)". Why what've you heard i asked. "That you're separating" he said. It hit me like a brick! I know we are going through a bad time at home and i've had strong suspicions that she's been seeing someone else but to broadcast it on social media and without me and her actually deciding that we are to separate, then it's a bit bad i'd say! My head's been in a spin since i heard. I'm dreading her coming home. Before anyone says i'm doing the same announcing it on social media please remember i'm not giving out identities like she's done.Anyway,i'm getting ready to go out before she gets home. It might be cowardly but i can't face her.

Oh my goodness! That's harsh.

Sorry to hear that, nobody deserves to be treated like that. Seems trite to say "keep your chin up"... But batter on as best as you can.

 

[Tin Pot]

I don't like all the judgement posts - people say all sorts, for all sorts of reasons. The only one who can tell the state of their relationship is them, and an outside observer like a counsellor.

My wife said we were splitting up years ago, she didn't want to split up, she wanted changes to be made. So we worked on it.

We're still together and stronger/happier than ever.

 

[subaqua]

If shes saying its over and she's had enough then let her go as it sounds from what you are saying that she has already moved on. Dont be trying to hang on and be constantly hasselling her, most women cant stand that.
Also it is a very big deal to a lot of women if their husband or boyfriend wont do their fair share of the housework. It leads to a lot of resentment . Before you embark on another relationship you need to be thinking about what you will do differently. Sorry to hear though as its horrible being hurt.

its also a big deal for a lot of blokes whose wives won't/don't either. especially when we are expected to also get DIY stuff done. but can't because we have to spend the saturday tidying up as they are " too tired" after work. yeah who is doing the washing and cooking then hey . all I want is the recycling done instead of being left on the bloody floor.

 

[uphillstruggler]

if she doesn't want to be with you, let her go. if the only reason you want her to stay is the fact that you are over 50 etc then you're not wanting her to stay because you love her, more like you're worried about being on your own.

swallow the other man pride thing, that is getting in the way of you moving on - if she did come back, could you forgive and forget or would it be there in the background, muddying the water?

learn to cook again, do the things you liked before you met, rediscovery isn't a bad thing. you may find that other people like fish in this/that, appreciate the effort etc and like having someone to look after.

if you have kids, don't use them as a lever - resentment can last a long time.

life isn't over til you take the last breath so grow some balls and get on the bike again.

I hope you work it out for the best (for you). what ever that may be.

best of luck

 

[Bazzer]

Just picked up this thread. Really sorry for your situation.
Is she's adament about going there is probably not a lot you can do to persuade her otherwise, but if there really isn't someone else, counselling might be an option. - Although it does require both parties to be willing to work towards a solution.

Would anyone want a 55 year old has been,unless they've loads of dodgy baggage?

If separation does happen then your comments wouldn't necessarily be true. I think at least one poster has relayed what happened to one of their parents. From my own personal experience, my mum was widowed when she was in her early 60's after being married for over 40 years. She remarried and had 10 happy years of marriage before her 2nd husband died of cancer. And as the Leicester City supporter, (whose user name escapes me at the moment), showed on his thread about his break up, there will be some really bad times, but you can come out the other side to a happy life.

 

[OskarTennisChampion]

You seem to be reading a great deal into a very one-sided account of something.

And in what way would supposed infidelity put the other party in a favourable position? This isn't the Victorian era you know...

Supposed infidelity is not favoured in courts is my understanding.
One sided yes,but I'm trusting the OPs word on it.Perhaps too trusting,but it's all we have.
I know you are in touch with your feminine side Reg,but sometimes it's not all pink fluffy ducks and nail polish.
Occasionally,Girl Power can do wrong.

 

[Vapin' Joe]

but if there really isn't someone else, counselling might be an option. - Although it does require both parties to be willing to work towards a solution.

Counselling only works if both parties desperately want to resolve their differences and remain a couple. If one of them has had enough and just want's out it is a waste of time.

 

[ufkacbln]

I dont think age has much to do with getting a partner, look at Bernie Ecclestone at over 80 he seems to do alright.

But he has large..... Assets

 

[User10119]

Counselling only works if both parties desperately want to resolve their differences and remain a couple. If one of them has had enough and just want's out it is a waste of time.

Actually, it can also work when one party or, especially, both parties just wants out - in making that process as civilised as possible. I know a couple of ex-couples who realised in counselling that they couldn't stay together, but went on to use that mediation process to work out the practicalities of childcare arrangements, financial settlements etc and one friend commented that while Relate couldn't give them the tools to mend their relationship, they did give them the tools to dismantle it as painlessly and non-destructively as possible - which was definitely the best possible outcome for their kids.

Re courts/infidelity/blah/blah - it's irrelevant. Division of family assets isn't on the basis of who is at 'fault'. If it gets to that point, I'd recommend getting some proper advice - CAB should be able to put you in touch with a solicitor who can give you a free half hour which can help clarify stuff.

I hope that it all works out for the best, one way or the other. I would also advise against making decisions or judgements or plans on the basis of second hand facebook posts!

 

[ufkacbln]

Counselling only works if both parties desperately want to resolve their differences and remain a couple. If one of them has had enough and just want's out it is a waste of time.

I am keeping this "general" as I do not feel it appropriate to comment on the individual aspects


Although counter-intuitive , failed counselling does have benefits

It means that there is reassurance that you have taken the steps towards reconciliation and the other party has not participated or made their intentions clear

The benefit is that it can remove a feeling of guilt and the question whether you did everything in your power to make things work

 

[mjr]

She's forever on that bloody phone, probably on that Facebook rubbish? It's so easy these days to meet someone else through social media. If it wasn't around and so tempting maybe we wouldn't be in this situation.

Maybe she's part of the next in the series of facebook's secret experiments on its users like http://money.cnn.com/2014/10/02/technology/social/facebook-experiment/index.html - maybe now they're testing to see how many relationships they can break up and whether it's harder or easier to break up marriages than unmarried relationships.

I'm on facebook mainly to help promote a cycling group. I used to get loads of adverts for shaggers' websites but lately they've stopped: I don't know whether to be happy or insulted that I now get travel and cycling ads instead!

 

[steve50]

there's an old but true saying, it takes two to tango, when a relationship breaks down it is invariably because both parties have drifted apart , fallen out of love with each other or otherwise stopped communicating. I have also been through what @Accy cyclist is currently going through. As a few have already said, we do not know the whole story and as such all I can say is,@Accy cyclist , although the future currently looks very bleak and you are probably very scared of what the future holds in store for you, believe me when I say things will only get better, I have been there and done that and at one time in my life I was homeless. Life does get better,as one door closes another one opens. It will take time but you will get there.

 

[Accy cyclist]

Thank's for the replies,i've read them all. I won't say much for now as i've kind of put our problems on the back burner.... till the next time. My wife has a hospital appointment in the morning. I'm running her there and staying with her,if she'll let me. I still have feelings for her,even if? she is seeing someone else. I'll leave it at that for the time being.

 

[rugby bloke]

Best of luck mate. Sounds like you have some tough times to work through together.