How about some true but funny stories of your past to cheer us up in these dark days

[Grant Fondo]

Here we go.
1995 Kowloon, Hong Kong. About to walk into a camera shop, this little fella comes flying out of the door and almost knocks me over. I am 6ft 3, he seemed about 4 foot.
"Sorry mate!" said I, a tad sarcastically.
"Grrrrr" went Alan Sugar, with a particularly withering look.
Knob.

 

[Cuchilo]

Back in the day i used to play double bass in a rockabilly band . We had a gig where an American rockabilly star from the 40's 50's was playing over here and we where his band for the night . I wasnt a fan of his stuff so didnt know any of it but was told not to worry as he was going to turn up early to run through the set with us . He turned up late . Not just late but ran on stage and started . I dont think i hit a note that he or anyone else was playing . He gave me a signed record after saying thanks for playing piano

 

[johnnyb47]

I've just had a funny phone call from my dad.
He got up this morning, and switching the tv on he discovered there was no picture. He lives right next to the sea and the corrosive sea air and high winds finish off the aerial pole last night..
The aerial had snapped off his bungalow and landed in the field behind only to be completely flattened by the cows. As there's nowhere open close to where he lives to get a replacement he's gaffered taped it all together again and zip tied it back onto what's left of the rotten pole. If his other half doesn't have her tv fix tonight his life will not be worth living lol. I was having visions of Rod Hull when he was telling me 😳

 

[Globalti]

So many funny stories from export travel.

Arriving at Karachi I handed over my passport with a photo of me bearded, as I was from time to time. The immigration officer looked at the picture, looked at me, laughed and asked: "Mister... what happened to your beard?" Half a dozen of his colleagues joined in and passed my passport around, laughing and pointing. I had never realised the importance of the beard in Pakistani culture.

Same airport and I'm at the front of the check-in queue waiting for them to open. A fat Pakistani in shalwar kameez wanders up, climbs onto the scales and peers over at the weight readout. Seeing his pals waiting and giggling a few yards away I discretely place one foot on the scales behind him, wink at his pals and press down. The poor man sees his weight and calls out "Oh my God!" in shock while his pals, who can see what I'm doing, absolutely crease themselves laughing.

A Nigerian lady customer in London phones me at work. I'm in an open-plan office so colleagues tend to earwig anything unusual. We chat for a bit then I ask her: "Madam Bena, did you see the TV programme last night about African cooking?" There's a shocked silence and Madam Bena replies: "Dese people are disgraceful! Dey should be put in prison!"

"What do you mean Madam Bena?"

"Dese drug dealers!"

"What do you mean.... drug dealers?"

"All dis cocaine! Dey are criminals!"

"Er.... not cocaine Mrs Bena, cooking! African cooking! Cooking dishes like jollof rice and meat stew!"

By now the entire office has stopped work and is listening in. There's another shocked silence on the line.

"You mean to tell me dey are putting DRUGS in de food?"

That was when I began to wish i hadn't started talking about African cooking. Colleagues still enjoy reminding me about Madam Bena.

 

[oldwheels]

There used to be a telly programme called "Walking my dog" in which a celeb walked around with a dog talking to local peasants met by accident.
My dive buddy Hamish being an expert on wildlife and local history was asked if he could meet celeb and dog at a ruined house to do a piece to camera next day 1000 and bring his dog or dogs. He tied his dogs together on one lead and then a bit of rope as the rest of the lead. He had a collie and a spaniel both working dogs and but spaniel had a bit of an "attitude" especially towards small yappy terriers.
Arrived at location but nobody there so phoned for clarification.
'We, they said, are waiting for you where agreed."
"No you are not I am at location and I am the expert so I know where I am."
Eventually met up as the TV ones were at wrong place.
Celeb and dog had been waiting out of sight and came marching along.
Spaniel took one look and decided it really did not like the celeb's dog and made for it.
The knot holding both dogs gave way and spaniel set off dragging the collie who wanted no part of this.
Everyone joined in the melee three dogs with 2 trying to escape the mayhem ,Celeb,Hamish,camera crew and production people while another camera filmed all this.
Eventually sorted out and dogs locked in the pickup. Celeb comes round again for a supposed 5 minute talk.
"Good morning you will be an expert on the history of this area?"
" I am indeed "
"Good-bye"
An exciting time had by all and if you watched the programme and blinked you missed Hamish. Sadly they did not put the dog fight in the programme.