Joke

[Linford]

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

[Linford]

And another one

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

[subaqua]

there is a thread for jokes

 

[Linford]

there is a thread for jokes

This is a special one for Engineer jokes

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

 

[Fnaar]

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

(My fave, from presumably the same site that Linford was looking at )

 

[mark st1]

Where are the punch lines ? Or do i have to build them myself

 

[Linford]

Where are the punch lines ? Or do i have to build them myself

That wouldn't be a problem if you are one

 

[ArDee]

A man was meeting a friend in a pub for a pint, he decided to go by hot air balloon. So he took off; but, very soon climbed above the clouds and after a little while he realised he was lost. He reduced his altitude below the clouds and spotted somebody below walking across the centre of a large wheat field. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between latitude 50 and 51 degrees north and between longitude 00 and 01 degrees west."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "how did you know?"

“Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

[Linford]

A man was meeting a friend in a pub for a pint, he decided to go by hot air balloon. So he took off; but, very soon climbed above the clouds and after a little while he realised he was lost. He reduced his altitude below the clouds and spotted somebody below walking across the centre of a large wheat field. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between latitude 50 and 51 degrees north and between longitude 00 and 01 degrees west."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "how did you know?"

“Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Haha..quality

 

[Spinney]

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

As an engineer I'd have gone for the bike too!

 

[Kestevan]

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer were in a car crossing an alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car careered out of control down the steep road, smashing into the barriers and narrowly avoiding plunging to certain doom. Eventually it slewed to a halt at the bottom of the pass.

The three engineers climbed out and stood looking at the car..
The mechanical engineer said "The failure is obviously in the brake mechanism, I'll get my penknife out, strip down the brake shoes and have us up and running in a couple of hours."

"Nonsense!" said the electrical engineer, "it's obviously a fault with the ABS system, I'll check all the cabling and have us back on the road in an hour".

"I'm not convinced" piped up the software engineer "lets push the car back to the top of the pass and see if we can re-create the fault".

 

[TVC]

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.

 

[Linford]

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

[02GF74]

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains," I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me £5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you £5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me £ 5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you £50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer £5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"
The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer £ 50. The Engineer politely takes the £50, turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands £ 5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains," I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me £5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you £5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me £ 5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you £50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer £5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"
The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer £ 50. The Engineer politely takes the £50, turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands £ 5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

Excellent