jokes!

[tyred]

Software Review

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

1. A "Don't remind me again" button.

2. Minimize button.

3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

 

[Niall Estick]

What does Darth Vader spray on his armpits?

De-YODA-rant!

 

[Funtboy]

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

Love it!

 

[colly]

A small who live on a farm boy runs into see his mum and says

'Mum, mum .....the black bull is f****** the black cow.'

His mum tells him not to use such language and if he wants to tell her anything like that he should use another phrase instead. She suggests. the bull is 'surprising' the black cow'

The following day mum has all her snooty friends round and right in the middle of tea to her horror the little boy runs in all excited and says

'Mum, mum the black bull is ..........surprising the black cow....'

His mum lets out a sigh of relief.

He carries on ..............'He is f****** the white cow '

 

[Niall Estick]

Why do bears have fur coats?

Cause they'd look stupid in anoraks.

 

[yumpy]

@tyred
I love that one.

Mickey Mouse is in court divorcing Minney Mouse.
Judge: "Mickey Mouse, I see you are divorcing Minney Mouse on the grounds that she has protruding teeth ?"
Mickey: "No,no, no, I said she was f.....g goofy"

 

[BIGSESAL]

whats blue and smells like red paint




blue paint

 

[sam1995]

whats blue and smells like red paint




blue paint

great!

 

[Mr Pig]

What goes 'peck, peck, BANG!'

A chicken in a minefield.

As were dragging out the old timers ;0)

 

[sam1995]

What do you call a donkey with one leg ?
a wonkey donkey​

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye ?
a winkey wonkey donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye while
breaking wind ?
a stinkey winkey wonkey donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye while
breaking wind wearing blue suede shoes ?
a honkey tonkey stinkey winkey wonkey donkey !
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye while
breaking wind wearing blue suede shoes and playing the piano ?
a plinkey plonkey honkey tonkey stinkey winkey wonkey donkey!!
What do you call a tiny donkey with one leg and one eye
while breaking wind wearing blue suede shoes and playing the piano ?
A dinkey plinkey plonkey honkey tonkey stinkey winkey wonkey
donkey!!

 

[Dave5N]

SO glad you stayed up for that, Sam

 

[john59]

A young married couple maintains a strict sexual schedule. Every day, the husband and wife get home from work at 5 p.m. and have sex at 5:15 p.m.

One day, the wife comes down with the flu and goes on antibiotics. The medicine kills all the germs, except for three, who huddle together inside her body to talk over survival tactics.

One germ decides to hide from the antibiotics between two toes on her left foot. The second germ decides to hide behind her right ear.

The last germ says, "You guys do what you want, but when the 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it."

 

[Gerry Attrick]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."


The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"


"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"


"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"


The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." to which the little girl replies,
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****e?"

 

[Gerry Attrick]

Further to the overwhelming response to......

my last contribution, I give you:

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.

We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.

'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

 

[Gerry Attrick]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.' 'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy. 'What is it?'

'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear; 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.

'Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'