Kids and Funerals

[Kestevan]

As some of you may know, my mums not been exactly well for the last few months. A bad slip on ice was followed by a major haemorage,stroke, cancer and Alzheimers - she was going for the full set, but missed out on a heart attack and died peacefully of pneumonia early on Tuesday morning.

I've got two kids who were reasonably close to their Grandma. The eldest is coming to the funeral, but I'm still undecided about Kaleb. He's only 4 and doesn't really know what death means yet. We're debating whether or not to bring him to the funeral (cremation). Both his mother and I think it should be up to him, although I do have reservations. My Dad's not so sure, he's worried the whole thing will be too much for the lad.....

Other family members are horrified about the thought of taking such a small child.....Now normally this wouldn't unduly worry me, I've spent large parts of my life horrifying various sections of my family and enjoyed every minute of it. But at the end of the day I don't want to cause my son undue distress.. but then again I do want to give him the chance to say goodbye.

Any thoughts on what I should do?

 

[Night Train]

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum, my thoughts are with you.



How well did Kaleb understand about grandma being very ill?
If he understood then maybe he will also need to know something about it being over and grandma moving on, as you say, to let him say good bye. He might be fine with doing this and then not worrying unduly about that being that.

When I was about that age I was aware of my grandad passing away, but as I hadn't developed a relationship with him I didn't really notice his absence. My folks did tell me he died though but it didn't really affect me at all.

 

[Cardiac]

Please accept my sympathies for your recent loss.

As a general rule I would think that four years old is certainly too young. You don't say how old the other child is, but even for an older child it may be an idea to ensure that they have enough idea of what they will / will not see in advance.

I recall my grandmothers funeral about 35 years ago. It was a shock to one of my younger siblings (in their mid-teens at the time) that the coffin was present in the church. Some might think "But what would you expect?" - but to someone unfamiliar with funerals and not expecting to see the coffin with the knowledge that their loved one's body is inside it, it could be very upsetting with the possibility of troubled feelings about funerals into the future.

It's a tough one. I would not want to be in your position. Many children these days give the impression that they are much more able to deal with "adult" issues, but I feel that this is only an impression - they are still young children beneath the surface with little understanding of difficult issues. But I would say that you probably know your children better than anyone else, and therefore you know best how they may react to the things that they see and hear. If either of them should attend, preparing them and explaining what it's all about will be the way to handle it.

 

[ufkacbln]

Please accept my sympathies for your recent loss.

As a general rule I would think that four years old is certainly too young. You don't say how old the other child is, but even for an older child it may be an idea to ensure that they have enough idea of what they will / will not see in advance.

I recall my grandmothers funeral about 35 years ago. It was a shock to one of my younger siblings (in their mid-teens at the time) that the coffin was present in the church. Some might think "But what would you expect?" - but to someone unfamiliar with funerals and not expecting to see the coffin with the knowledge that their loved one's body is inside it, it could be very upsetting with the possibility of troubled feelings about funerals into the future.

It's a tough one. I would not want to be in your position. Many children these days give the impression that they are much more able to deal with "adult" issues, but I feel that this is only an impression - they are still young children beneath the surface with little understanding of difficult issues. But I would say that you probably know your children better than anyone else, and therefore you know best how they may react to the things that they see and hear. If either of them should attend, preparing them and explaining what it's all about will be the way to handle it.

My condolences..

You are the person who knows your child best, and therefore only you can really decide. Kids of tis age don't need the finality and closure that fuerals offer to adults. However two thoughts cross my mind.

Firstly if you do not take him to an event where his sibling, parents, and all the other relatives go - will he feel excluded

The other thing is to do with the funeral itself. I have been to funerls that were depressing, heavy and formal in which case a child would becme bored and fractious. However I have been to others which have been bright and (for want of a better word) happy celebrations of someone's life with songs, and memories. This is no different to any other service in some ways and a child could easily become involved

 

[Munchkin100]

Sorry to hear of your loss, my thoughts are with you.

I did not take my two children to their grandma's funeral my daughter was 4 at the time my son 1. They were however missed by the older generation who asked if I could go and get them and consequently when we had a little family get together after, I had to go an fetch them from the childminder. In fact it made for the afternoon because instead of feeling really down the children ,who were not aware of what had gone on, lifted everyones spirits, as they do.

So I would say no to the funeral, but dont discount them from the whole day.

My daughter was aware that grandma was no longer around and that she had died and gone to heaven! and for ages she thought the local church was heaven as she always picked some wild flowers to put on the grave and insisted we did this on the walk home from school. Now at the age of 22 she still remembers her.

 

[numbnuts]

My condolences too

 

[lukesdad]

Last tues was luke and jacks great grandfathers funeral they are 3 and 6. They were close to him,but we have decided funerals are not the place for small children. A decision that is right for us and our kids. Other members of the family particularly my wifes mother disagreed,but, we felt her reasons were selfish. Our kids come first.

 

[Arch]

Condolences to you and your family.

My initial reaction (and this is as a non-parent with very little experience of children, so place what value on it you will) was take him. As others have said, it would be best if he had some idea of what was going to happen, and a lot will depend on the type of service, and how well you think he'll handle being quiet for that period of time, if that's the sort of thing it is. For some people, the worst aspect might be having to 'shush' a child who wanted to ask questions, or who tried to run around, in the face of disapproval. For other families, having that child there might be a massive comfort, and a welcome distraction from the moment.

I would ask him how he feels. At four he's probably old enough to take in that it's a serious business, and he may decide he doesn't want to go, that it's a bit scary - and in that case you tell him it's ok to feel like that. If he says he does want to come, make sure he knows that he will need to be quiet for that time - I don't know about churches, but a crematorium slot is generally half an hour. Or as Munchkin suggests, let him come to anything afterwards.

A half way house might be to take him, but have a friend on hand to take him out and occupy him if it gets too much, someone who won't resent missing part of the service.

Even if he doesn't feel any sadness at this stage, he'll be well aware that everyone around him does, so I feel it's right to involve him as much as possible, and as much as he wants. It may be the time that he starts to learn about loss, and you have the chance to help him develop a 'healthy' attitude to it.

 

[Gromit]

I was a bit older than your kid when both my real gran and the lady I had adopted as my gran past away. I still feel a lot of hurt at not being able to go to their funerals to say goodbye.

My sister and her husband took all four of their children to their grans funeral in Ireland, the youngest was three at the time. I think its only this country that people think its best not to let children go to funerals, I think everyone has the right to say goodbye as its all part of understanding about death and the grieving process.

 

[Gromit]

I never really understood why adults don't want children a funeral services, maybe its because adults shouldn't be seen crying in front of children?

I will add that I have never forgiven my parents for not letting me go to my adopted grans funeral whom I was very close to. Incendently we didn't have a good family life and she was the one I ran too when my parents mistreated me. I was 11 at the time and therefore old enough to understand what was going on.

Incidental my mum is very ill and hasn't got long to live, my sister will be taking her children to her mums funeral because we understand that children need to be allowed to grieve too.

 

[summerdays]

Sorry to hear about your loss.

My experience as a child was I didn't go to any funerals. My family did go back to Ireland each time, but we didn't go and visit the body laid out in a back room nor go to the funerals. I don't know why we didn't go to the service (or maybe we did but I have no memory of it) but I've never felt any resentment about it. My grandparents passed away when I was 8, 9, and in my teens.

 

[dellzeqq]

Sorry to hear of your loss, Kestevan

We've had a couple of family funerals in the recent past, and the grandchildren came, regardless of age. It was fine at the time (in so far as these things can be fine) and seems to have formed part of their personal history - a sort of reference point.

There were tears, sobbing even, but not exclusively from the children. Then again, there's no great harm in tears.

I watched the television programme on the A+E department at Kings College Hospital last night. That's where my dad died, just before I arrived in a taxi that had got itself lost all over Dulwich. It was a mistake to watch the programme, but it made me wonder if, in a sense, children are better able to deal with the death of an elderly relative than adults because their recollections are less complicated than ours.

 

[Keith Oates]

My condolences as well Kesteven.

My thoughts are that taking time with your son to explain that his Grandmother has passed on and he will not see her again is of the most importance. I don't see that anything can be gained by taking him to the funeral.

 

[Archie_tect]

Kestevan, I would talk to your children and see how they feel- their reaction to your mum's death will be coloured by yours and you need the support of everyone around you right now. Your children will have seen how you are coping and will want to help you not feel sad. Life isn't about avoiding things but how you deal with them.

 

[Archie_tect]

Dell, must have been awful- I recognise the torment and anguish of that taxi-ride, hope it's easing.