Kids and Funerals

[Fnaar]

Condolences Kestevan ... I think it all depends on the "family psyche" and only you know that, not us. I've been to sombre, sad ones, where kids would have been bored stupid and probably unwanted by the rest, and I've been to ones where it's seen as a celebration of that person's life, and having kids there is an affirmation that the world (and happiness, sadness etc) will carry on regardless. i prefer the latter, myself. Your call, really, depending on what you think it'll be like.

 

[Arch]

Kestevan, I would talk to your children and see how they feel- their reaction to your mum's death will be coloured by yours and you need the support of everyone around you right now. Your children will have seen how you are coping and will want to help you not feel sad. Life isn't about avoiding things but how you deal with them.

Sums it up well for me.

Also, it might be worth talking to the older one as well, and involving him/her. It may be that they can 'look after' the little one if he does go, and it gives them a job to do, and they may (depending on how close they are) be able to better comfort each other than an adult could do.

I'm torn, because I hate to think of children being forced to 'grow up' too fast, but I do think they can, and should be able to, take on heavy stuff when it happens. And even if something doesn't seem to go in, or affect them at the time, they may work it all out in their minds without you realising, and be more prepared for the next big thing that happens.

 

[mickle]

Sorry for your loss Kestevan.

Kids need funerals for exactly the same reasons as adults. Take them.

 

[RecordAceFromNew]

I am very sorry to hear about your loss Kestevan. The only thing I would like to add, is as others have said since the little one is unlikely to be affected one way or the other, under the circumstance how close relatives who mean a lot to you, e.g. your dad, might be positively or negatively affected by the little one's presence could be more important factors in the decision.

 

[slugonabike]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, Kesteven.

Many people will have their own idea of what is 'right' and 'wrong' in these circumstances but the truth is that there is no right or wrong, only what seems best to the people concerned. You know your son and family best, you also know how you are feeling and how much you can cope with at this difficult time.

My opinion (for what it is worth) would be to talk to your son, find out what he understands about events so far, explain what will happen at the funeral and take it from there.

I hope that the funeral goes as well as these things can and that it is some comfort to you and your family. xx

 

[ianrauk]

Very sorry to hear about your mum. Condolences

I took my 4 year old (at the time) son to my mothers funeral because that is what she would have wanted. The family and other attendees loved it that he was there. He was a little ray of sunshine that day in what can normally be a very staid, somber time. My mother would have hated all that somberness. She loved her grandchild more then words can say. So for us not to have let him be there to say goodbye would not have been right.

My parents both died in the early 90's, both at a very young age. I think about them every passing day. Love for your parents does not go away. It's a very comforting thing for me and I am sure will be for you too.

 

[biggs682]

today was my first funeral , not a real close friend just an ex badminton partner. i have always dreaded going to one but thought i better get use to them now as my parents are getting older one in late 70's other mid 80's , still not looking forward to any more .

 

[Arch]

today was my first funeral , not a real close friend just an ex badminton partner. i have always dreaded going to one but thought i better get use to them now as my parents are getting older one in late 70's other mid 80's , still not looking forward to any more .

They're never fun, but they can be better than dreadful. So much depends on the person, and the people organising. The best way, to me, is to celebrate the life of the person, rather than concentrate on their death. Not to be afraid to give people the opportunity to laugh, if that's what that person would have done.

Oh, and if you ever have to organise a funeral for a cyclist, with cyclists attending, make sure the buffet is about twice the size you'd expect....

 

[Silver Fox]

Sorry to hear of your loss, my condolences.

 

[PBancroft]

My condolences.

My gut reaction is to take him. I would imagine (and hope) that other attendees would understand and appreciate that he is not an adult and therefore may not act like one. In comparison, I have been to such occasions where (for example) the son has left his mother's funeral to answer his mobile. This may well be an important step for him, and help him to understand the importance of life.

 

[Twenty Inch]

My condolences for your loss, Kestevan.

I haven't been in that situation, but I would take my little boy (3.5) if it arose. I really don't understand why people want to keep children away from family events. You can always take him out of the church if he gets fractious. Kids need closure too, and they also need to understand life and death.

 

[jig-sore]

i think funerals only become an "issue" for kids if you make them an "issue".

treat them as a normal part of life and kids learn to accept them and cope with them.

 

[Telemark]

Very sorry about your loss. Only you and your family will know everybody involved and what's best. I would definitely talk with both children about it, as this is/will be a new experience for them, whether they come along or not, to help them understand what is happening.

I don't know if you remember your own childhood experiences with death, I have couple of very clear memories from mine, starting chronologically:
When I was little (probably 4 onwards), I remember (and have since experienced many children being) quite matter of fact about death. Growing up in the countryside, there were the odd dead mice, birds, frogs etc around, which were my first encounters with death. I remember my parents explaining that they were dead and wouldn't fly/run around anymore (I can't quite remember how they put it). My way of dealing with it was to bury them carefully under the bushes in the garden, because it didn't feel right to just leave them lying on the road.

My favourite aunt died from cancer when I was about 12, we weren't allowed to visit her in hospital, and I am still sad that I never got to say good bye to her. No doubt it seemed the right thing for the adults making these decisions at the time, as they were wanting to "spare us". I recently talked about this with my mum, she hadn't realised how I felt about it. We children were taken along to the funeral, though, and I can still "see" the church, with the coffin covered in beautiful flowers, and everybody walking past the grave. It left a big impression, being the first funeral I had ever been to. But it felt right that we were there, from my 12-year old perspective, and allowed to say good bye to her. My youngest sibling was about 7 at the time.

All the best,

T

 

[skudupnorth]

Sorry to hear of your loss,i have four young children (all under the age of seven) and i personally would like to think i would be ok for them to go to a funeral.
I think it is part of life and they should not be left out especially if they are close to the family member.

 

[Scotmitchy]

My condolences on your loss.

When my dad died my daughter was five, my son nine.

I can think of nothing worst than 'banning' children from a funeral, and deciding they are too young, and possibly not giving them the right to a time to say goodbye, so I gave them both the option of choosing.

I thought at 9 my son should have been there, and was happy he decided yes. My daughter opted to go to school instead (it was only her second day in school, so I can see the attraction) and that was the right decision for her. My brother chose not to hvae either of his children there, he didn't think it was right.

Both of mine attended funerals as babies, and I had no concerns about them being there at that age.

It's worth keeping in mind how upset the other adults might be, as that could be even more distressing for Kaleb. I know my youngest would have found that side of it distressing, so was glad when she said no thanks.

When I was a little 'un our school was next to a church, and we were regularly wheeled out to go to funerals. I suspect that is why I am a bit more blase about it, it helps if the first few you go to are not people you know.

Hope it goes well.