After my mum died early last year my father has been sending friend requests on facebook to my sister. After getting back from Christmas I felt that I needed to tell him and his new wife some home truths. Here is the letter I wrote to him, he will not reply to it as he is too much of a coward. I wrote it as a way to try to move on. Sorry its a bit long.
Dear Father,
The recent correspondence from my sister has paved the way for me to write to you. As you know our Mum, your former wife, died on the 27th April 2012, from Left Mandibular Carcinoma http://www.ghorayeb.com/mandibularcancer.html. An illness if you can bare to look at the picture in the link of a similar infliction, caused her much, pain, discomfort and as you would expect embarrassment. It robbed her of her looks, her voice, her enjoyment of food and her confidence, but not her dignity!
My younger sister looked after our mum for the 8 years that she had cancer. Taking her to hospital, visiting on the several occasions mum had to stay over having serious surgery at Blackburn Hospital and subsequent radiation treatment when she first got the disease.
Mum was a very brave and courageous lady who fought all the way, never complaining one bit. On the first and second times she got the cancer we thought she would pull through and get a clear prognosis, however when she got it for the third time in 2010 the doctors could not do anything for her. We did not know what the outcome would be back then and frankly we did not want to know, but we recently found out that the doctors at Blackburn Hospital only gave her six months to live. But with my sisters love, dedication and care Mum lasted two years. My sister tried her best to give mum a good quality of life.
My sister is a brave and courageous young lady herself, knowing that my mum loved to be independent and her love of going out and seeing her friends, (something you robbed her of when you were with her) my sister got the district nurses and the nurses at Blackburn Hospital, to show her how to change mums' dressings, give and supervise mum taking her medicine and bravely without hesitation saved my mum's life when the tumour on her face haemorrhaged causing not one but many major bleeds.
As my mums' illness progressed and the tumour got larger, covering almost all of the left hand side of her beautiful face, (the one that you had the foresight not to beat to a pulp, as you hit her in other areas of her body people would not see), she lost her ability to make herself understood as the tumour was also growing inside her mouth. She then found it difficult to eat, so had to have a feeding tube fitted through her belly button into her stomach so she could have a liquid diet. Mum had that fitted for about a year, my sister again took care of its daily maintenance, until towards the end when my mums' body started to break down, the tube had to be removed. That is when we knew that her time was coming.
My role in this was not small ether, together after our mums' last major bleed in February, we both moved in to care for her for the final three months of her life. My sister and I were adamant that mum would get her wish, to die with dignity at home surrounded by her loving family and not at hospital. I was lucky to be in a situation where I could give up college and help care for my mum and support my sister 24 hours a day, through a roller coaster of an emotional time, to which I will never regret.
I believe that both you and your new wife have recently sent friends requests on Facebook to my sister, and I remember last year accepting one from your wife where she wanted to know "what the gossip was" well there you have it. "The gossip" as she put it, is in what I wrote earlier. Do both of you really think that with what my sister and I have both been through recently, coupled with what you put us through as children. Not forgetting when we gave you the chance to know your real Grandchildren 13 years ago that we would ever give you a third chance?
I see your new wife has children of her own, who subsequently have become your step children, but these children will never be yours as they have their own father. I do see that her youngest child has changed his surname, however a name change will never make him your real child!
Your grandchildren are not your real grandchildren and will never be, because they are not your blood. However, my beautiful sister and her fantastic husband are raising three happy healthy girls and one healthy happy little boy. They are my beautiful Nieces and Nephew and I am glad that my sister and her husband have decided to not let someone as poisonous as you ruin their childhoods.
For 38 years I have lived my life in fear of you. I have let it interfere with my life. I have thought myself to be ugly, unlovable, that nobody wanted to be my friend because I was thick, stupid and in your words had to pay people to be my friends. I have had trouble controlling my temper at times but I have never used it against anyone else but myself as I fear that I may follow in your footsteps. Because of you I have developed a self loving that up until now I have been unable to control and found it difficult to admit too, until I had counselling after mums' death.
My councillor helped me to see that It is no longer you who is my abuser but myself. He made me realise that I am not thick or stupid as I have two good degrees from decent Universities. That I have a lovely Partner in my boyfriend (Who you will never meet) and I have lots of friends who are there to support me.
I took on your role and I did it well. You taught me how to hate myself, my life and who I am as well as fear myself. You may have stopped me being a happy and healthy child for the first 16 years of my life. However I was to blame for messing up the rest of it. It take real guts to admit it and has given me a real insight into who I am and the path I wish to take. Which brings me to why I am writing this letter.
First of all with the passing of our mum, I no longer have to fear you turning up and causing her any trouble and thank god she is in a place where you can no longer hurt her like you did.
Secondly I wanted to let you know what you are missing out on your daughters and their partners, your amazing grandchildren. Basically Your Family!. The lost opportunity you chose to let go for your own selfish needs.
And lastly my sister and I will never forget what you did to our Mum. How you treated her for the 16 years you were with her. You thought whilst you were abusing her both downstairs and upstairs, that my sister and I were asleep in our beds, but unfortunately we heard every word you said, every single punch and kick you gave her and every time you forced yourself upon her after she said NO! We also saw a lot of the stuff you did to her too!
I hope for my mums' sake and all the good people in this world, when your time comes, when you stand before Saint Peter, that he never lets you in through those "pearly gates". We will never forgive you for hurting mum and spoiling our precious childhoods. So no we do not want to be your friend or ever want to see you again. We are leaving you behind in 2012 and as a family making 2013 a fresh new start.
Goodbye and if you ever hurt any of my family again you will not get away with it like you have done in the past. I am copying this letter to my sister, and a few other family members too.
Happy New Year.
Your Daughter
Deborah.
Dear Father,
The recent correspondence from my sister has paved the way for me to write to you. As you know our Mum, your former wife, died on the 27th April 2012, from Left Mandibular Carcinoma http://www.ghorayeb.com/mandibularcancer.html. An illness if you can bare to look at the picture in the link of a similar infliction, caused her much, pain, discomfort and as you would expect embarrassment. It robbed her of her looks, her voice, her enjoyment of food and her confidence, but not her dignity!
My younger sister looked after our mum for the 8 years that she had cancer. Taking her to hospital, visiting on the several occasions mum had to stay over having serious surgery at Blackburn Hospital and subsequent radiation treatment when she first got the disease.
Mum was a very brave and courageous lady who fought all the way, never complaining one bit. On the first and second times she got the cancer we thought she would pull through and get a clear prognosis, however when she got it for the third time in 2010 the doctors could not do anything for her. We did not know what the outcome would be back then and frankly we did not want to know, but we recently found out that the doctors at Blackburn Hospital only gave her six months to live. But with my sisters love, dedication and care Mum lasted two years. My sister tried her best to give mum a good quality of life.
My sister is a brave and courageous young lady herself, knowing that my mum loved to be independent and her love of going out and seeing her friends, (something you robbed her of when you were with her) my sister got the district nurses and the nurses at Blackburn Hospital, to show her how to change mums' dressings, give and supervise mum taking her medicine and bravely without hesitation saved my mum's life when the tumour on her face haemorrhaged causing not one but many major bleeds.
As my mums' illness progressed and the tumour got larger, covering almost all of the left hand side of her beautiful face, (the one that you had the foresight not to beat to a pulp, as you hit her in other areas of her body people would not see), she lost her ability to make herself understood as the tumour was also growing inside her mouth. She then found it difficult to eat, so had to have a feeding tube fitted through her belly button into her stomach so she could have a liquid diet. Mum had that fitted for about a year, my sister again took care of its daily maintenance, until towards the end when my mums' body started to break down, the tube had to be removed. That is when we knew that her time was coming.
My role in this was not small ether, together after our mums' last major bleed in February, we both moved in to care for her for the final three months of her life. My sister and I were adamant that mum would get her wish, to die with dignity at home surrounded by her loving family and not at hospital. I was lucky to be in a situation where I could give up college and help care for my mum and support my sister 24 hours a day, through a roller coaster of an emotional time, to which I will never regret.
I believe that both you and your new wife have recently sent friends requests on Facebook to my sister, and I remember last year accepting one from your wife where she wanted to know "what the gossip was" well there you have it. "The gossip" as she put it, is in what I wrote earlier. Do both of you really think that with what my sister and I have both been through recently, coupled with what you put us through as children. Not forgetting when we gave you the chance to know your real Grandchildren 13 years ago that we would ever give you a third chance?
I see your new wife has children of her own, who subsequently have become your step children, but these children will never be yours as they have their own father. I do see that her youngest child has changed his surname, however a name change will never make him your real child!
Your grandchildren are not your real grandchildren and will never be, because they are not your blood. However, my beautiful sister and her fantastic husband are raising three happy healthy girls and one healthy happy little boy. They are my beautiful Nieces and Nephew and I am glad that my sister and her husband have decided to not let someone as poisonous as you ruin their childhoods.
For 38 years I have lived my life in fear of you. I have let it interfere with my life. I have thought myself to be ugly, unlovable, that nobody wanted to be my friend because I was thick, stupid and in your words had to pay people to be my friends. I have had trouble controlling my temper at times but I have never used it against anyone else but myself as I fear that I may follow in your footsteps. Because of you I have developed a self loving that up until now I have been unable to control and found it difficult to admit too, until I had counselling after mums' death.
My councillor helped me to see that It is no longer you who is my abuser but myself. He made me realise that I am not thick or stupid as I have two good degrees from decent Universities. That I have a lovely Partner in my boyfriend (Who you will never meet) and I have lots of friends who are there to support me.
I took on your role and I did it well. You taught me how to hate myself, my life and who I am as well as fear myself. You may have stopped me being a happy and healthy child for the first 16 years of my life. However I was to blame for messing up the rest of it. It take real guts to admit it and has given me a real insight into who I am and the path I wish to take. Which brings me to why I am writing this letter.
First of all with the passing of our mum, I no longer have to fear you turning up and causing her any trouble and thank god she is in a place where you can no longer hurt her like you did.
Secondly I wanted to let you know what you are missing out on your daughters and their partners, your amazing grandchildren. Basically Your Family!. The lost opportunity you chose to let go for your own selfish needs.
And lastly my sister and I will never forget what you did to our Mum. How you treated her for the 16 years you were with her. You thought whilst you were abusing her both downstairs and upstairs, that my sister and I were asleep in our beds, but unfortunately we heard every word you said, every single punch and kick you gave her and every time you forced yourself upon her after she said NO! We also saw a lot of the stuff you did to her too!
I hope for my mums' sake and all the good people in this world, when your time comes, when you stand before Saint Peter, that he never lets you in through those "pearly gates". We will never forgive you for hurting mum and spoiling our precious childhoods. So no we do not want to be your friend or ever want to see you again. We are leaving you behind in 2012 and as a family making 2013 a fresh new start.
Goodbye and if you ever hurt any of my family again you will not get away with it like you have done in the past. I am copying this letter to my sister, and a few other family members too.
Happy New Year.
Your Daughter
Deborah.
