Management/Corporate phrases

[Andy in Sig]

I once attended a briefing where an American said, "We can't produce anything until we get fidelity with the deliverables". I asked him what the last four words added up to and he said it meant "until we know what reports we have to produce". After that people were constantly requesting each other to "get fidelity with the kettle and get a brew on". He started talking normal after a while.

 

[Fnaar]

I'm just going to bash one out on a piece of A4

 

[slowmotion]

"Get your diaries out so we can agree a date for a "wash-up" at the end of the project."

I feel queasy...

 

[swee'pea99]

It is of course easy to sneer at this stuff, and some of it is undeniably gruesome, but some is actually worthwhile, and says things that people need to say more clearly and concisely than any alternatives. Synergy and proactive would be good examples. I've even been known to use 'leverage' as a verb - have I no shame? But what's the alternative? 'We need to exploit this to the fullest extent possible, to capitalise on its latent potential'? It's a bit of a mouthful....

Like I say, it's easy to be sniffy, but I don't think it's as cut 'n dried as is often made out. I suggest we continue to dialogue it and see if we can add more value.

 

[chap]

'Mon'
'Tue'
'Wed'
'Thurs'
'Fri'
'Sat'
'Sun'

actually vocalised in this manner. Then there is the ubiquitous:

'Close of play'

 

[Telemark]

Going forward

We had a presentation at work recently, with us "going forward" every few sentences ... it was hard work not to giggle too obviously after the 3rd or 4th time

T

 

[2Loose]

Suggestion to Swea'pea.
Leverage our position = 'make the most of the situation'
Going forward= 'in the future' in normal english. .

You may find that speaking in marketingmanagement bollox actually decreases your command of the usual English language.

Is there a management speak interpreter online anywhere?
(found http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/7457287.stm)

 

[slowmotion]

When "going forward", I meet blue skies and end up with a rolling-out scenario at the end of the day, having gained the high ground. No brainer...when we get to the finish and all is said and done..

 

[mangaman]

Let's put some hay in the nosebag and see if the animal eats *

(*I just made that up )

Fnaar you're a genius.

I love the idea of just making them up and saying them confidently as if they mean something.

The "hay in the nosebag" one is great. I'll use it my next meeting and get back to you.

I bet everyone will nod sagely and in 6 months everyone will be using it

 

[TheDoctor]

'Shift to the left' was one I came across a few jobs ago. It means to 'empower' (sorry!!) people by giving them 'extra responsibility', to 'expand their role' and make their job 'more high profile'.
What this actually meant was to take any crap job that no bugger else wanted to do and foist it off onto the helpdesk.
And get rid of the Remote Infrastructure Management team and foist their work off onto the helpdesk.
In fact, get rid of anyone earning more-than-£12K and foist their work onto the helpdesk.
Then penalise the helpdesk staff for not meeting their SLAs...

(Oh!! Service Level Agreement. The client agrees to an SLA when they outsource something, and it has two different meanings :-
The client thinks it's the minimum level of service they'll get.
It's actually the most they'll possibly get, if all goes well. Which it won't.)

 

[mangaman]

'Shift to the left' was one I came across a few jobs ago. It means to 'empower' (sorry!!) people by giving them 'extra responsibility', to 'expand their role' and make their job 'more high profile'.
What this actually meant was to take any crap job that no bugger else wanted to do and foist it off onto the helpdesk.
And get rid of the Remote Infrastructure Management team and foist their work off onto the helpdesk.
In fact, get rid of anyone earning more-than-£12K and foist their work onto the helpdesk.
Then penalise the helpdesk staff for not meeting their SLAs...

(Oh!! Service Level Agreement. The client agrees to an SLA when they outsource something, and it has two different meanings :-
The client thinks it's the minimum level of service they'll get.
It's actually the most they'll possibly get, if all goes well. Which it won't.)

I wonder why that's a shift to the left rather than the right?

Either way it's bullshit, but why left - see Andy's prolonged outburst in P&L if you dare

SLA - I've apparantly got SLAs with various organisations, none of which I can influence. It seems to mean the client can get the most they want in my case but I don't know/care. Grrrrrr

 

[Fnaar]

The "hay in the nosebag" one is great. I'll use it my next meeting and get back to you.

I bet everyone will nod sagely and in 6 months everyone will be using it

Will look forward to the results

 

[mangaman]

Will look forward to the results

Once I get some feedback I'll run it up the flagpole and you can made a 360 degree assessment of how it went.

 

[jay clock]

I get plenty of this shite - the usual purveyors are people whose command of English is not as good as my perfect grasp so they cling to what they think sounds clever.

A bit of an aside, but our office in Poland has meeting rooms named after planets. The following announcement helped me to "LOL" more than usual: [with slight Polish accent] "the first session will be in Jupiter, the break-out sessions are in Mars and Pluto, and lunch will be served in Uranus"

 

[slowmotion]

A bit of an aside, but our office in Poland has meeting rooms named after planets. The following announcement helped me to "LOL" more than usual: [with slight Polish accent] "the first session will be in Jupiter, the break-out sessions are in Mars and Pluto, and lunch will be served in Uranus"

Any chance of a "wash-up" after that hectic schedule?