Morals, affairs and celibacy...

[rich p]

...in a nutshell, a close friend of mine (no, really it's a friend!) has confided in me that he is possibly about to embark on an affair. He didn't actually call it that, and in his mind he is simply having sex with a woman who is not his wife.
His reasoning is that since his wife went through the menopause (he and she are both mid 50s and have 3 grown-up kids) she has lost interest in sex and he has been celibate for over 9 months.
The woman he's intending to bed is divorced and theoretically is not interested in a relationship either, although things involving deceit and knobs have a tendency to get messy - so to speak.
He hasn't asked for my opinion but wanted to share his dilemma.

Any thoughts?

Should I give him my opinion (which is that he has too much to lose for the sake of getting rid of the dirty water), keep my own counsel as he's a grown-up, or any other options?

 

[col]

Tell him you dont want to know about it, when it all hits the fan, which it will, anyone who knew will be blamed too.

 

[Archie_tect]

Just tell his wife now before it starts... that'll soon sort out what their priorities are for both of them.

 

[Night Train]

Why has he told you? That is the important question to consider in whether or not you should make any response.

Presumably he is feeling guilty about his plans. Maybe he should be talking with his wife instead of another woman and a friend.

I know a couple who have an 'open relationship'. Each can, and will, experience sex with another person in much the same way that one might go for a bike ride with someone. The difference is that both know what is going on and will vet each others choices. Their reasoning is that if, as a couple you like riding together, that is no reason not to go for a ride with someone else sometimes.

It's not for me but they are a very happy couple.

Maybe it is a case of affairs being fine as long as all parties know and approve of such action.
I suspect your friend's wife doesn't know of his plans?
Maybe she should know, from him?

 

[threebikesmcginty]

If he's your pal tell him to talk to his wife.

 

[Night Train]

I must say that if it were my friend I wouldn't hesitate to say 'Talk to your wife before you do anything, and before I talk to her.'.

 

[007fair]

Sounds like he wants more than just the mechanics of sex. IE if he told his wife and she agreed to sex to save the marriage, he may still be dissatisfied knowing her heart was not really in it and she would be just going through the motions, rather than something more enticing. If this is the case then its a toughie.. he stands to lose alot if his wife finds out but the option is living a celibate life (or near to) from now on, in which case he may be miserable for the rest of his life.

 

[Bad Company]

I suspect that he just wanted to talk rather than ask for advice. If his wife has lost interest in sex I can understand his dilema. It sounds like he is just going to go for it in any event.

 

[Night Train]

It doesn't have to be miserable, not having sex isn't the end of affection, love and closeness. Maybe he just needs a hand.

 

[col]

He isnt in love as he might have been if he feels the need to look else where. Maybe they are together for the wrong reasons, especially if she doesnt make any effort in that department for nine months either?

 

[threebikesmcginty]

Anyway if you were a real pal you'd at least offer to give him a handjob.

 

[GrumpyGregry]

Finish one thing before you start another.

 

[rich p]

Blimey, I have no intention of telling his wife. I suspect he told me because he has feelings of guilt, and wanted someone to share his dilemma with. I'll suggest he talks to his wife but I suspect that he won't. I didn't offer an opinion either way as he didn't phrase it that way.
He sees it as a way of fulfilling his needs without upsetting anyone as far as I can tell.

 

[Silver Fox]

Depending how well you know his wife, by sharing his dilemma your friend has put you in a difficult position. I wouldn't take sides or get involved.

Sounds like balls will be ruling brains so when the initial excitement has gone and the other woman has dumped him, let him have the pleasure of explaining to his three children why he betrayed their mother.

It will all end in tears.

 

[Archie_tect]

It would open the discussion up about his wants and needs and expectations at this awkward time in his life when he no longer feels needed and is a bit of a spare part as far as his wife's concerned. Being open about his feelings will save a lot of messing about at the end whichever way his wife looks at it. It may just be the initiative she needs to dump him and start enjoying herself!!

At worst this other woman could get pregnant or start to blackmail him!

OK, I didn't mean you should tell her but it's unfair of your friend to put you in this position.... tell him he's a grown-up and has to sort himself out and start acting like a grown-up. He should entice his wife into a more loving, more intimate closeness, make him view it as a challenge.

Make it clear to him that his personal life should be private and confidential... one that you don't want to hear about.