Find enclosed copies of letter sent following the receipt of "presents" from an admirer. What should I do?
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Anges
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
John:
What's with you and those crazy birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this? There's bird shoot all over the house, and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.
So stop sending me all these birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
Hey! Meathead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And boy, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
You Rotten Sadist,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call them ladies though. They've been messing with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is full of it. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this
building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sticking the police on you.
One who means it.
Listen! Looser,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and
have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total.
All further correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
Wits End.
