Musician Jokes

[johnnyh]

what's got three legs and a twat on top - a drum stool!

how do you spot the trombonists son in the play park?
he can't swing and he doesnt know how to use the slide!

 

[simonali]

A bass player decides after years of mickey taking by his bandmates to learn some new instruments. He visits a music shop and after a while looking round decides to buy an accordion and a red saxophone. He asks the assistant to wrap them up and they reply "I can probably sell you the fire extinguisher but the radiator will have to stay put"

 

[vernon]

What's the definition of "perfect pitch?"


























































Throwing a trumpet into a bin without hitting the rim.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

What's a bassoon for?

Kindling for an accordian fire.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

Quite an old Quote

Lady Cellist audtioning for orchestra.

Conductor not impressed. Says he:-

"Madam, you have between your legs that which would make many men happy and all you can do is scratch it"

Can't remember who said it - but it's a fairly well known quote.

 

[mikeitup]

How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb?

He holds onto the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Nah, that's Bono!



What's the range of a fretless bass?


25 yards if you've got a good arm.


How do you get 2 drummers to play in time?


Shoot one of 'em?



What's the difference between a coffin and a keyboard?

The coffin's the one with the corpse on the inside?

 

[palinurus]

Nah, that's Bono!

Oh, that's much better.

 

[palinurus]

How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?

None,

the keyboard player can do it with his left hand.


Or..

One, but the guitarist has to show him first.

 

[Kestevan]

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

You only have to punch the tunes into a drum machine once.


And finally the bigest musician joke of them all...... Bono.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

And finally the bigest musician joke of them all...... Bono.

Surely that's String

 

[Jezston]

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

You only have to punch the tunes into a drum machine once.

Gad dammit I was just about to post that. That's the only one I have

 

[mikeitup]

A man dies and goes to heaven. On talking to st peter he tells him that he played guitar when he was alive. st Peter gets really exited and tells him to follow him. they go into a corridoor with four doors and he can hear music coming from each one. St Pete takes him to the first door and he can hear bluesy wah wah and the riff from hey joe. He looks at st peter and says "It isnt is it"? Yep says st pete it's jimi. Next door he hears the riff from crazy Train, Mr crowley etc and he says "No way, Randy?" "Yup" says St pete. Next door they hear "Lenny", Say What!, Texas Flood and other bluesy riff. You kidding me says the man? "Nope it's Stevie Ray" says St peter.
All of a sudden they hear blazing harmonic minor pedal tones riffs and mind blowingly awesome sweep arpeggio shredding.
"What's that?? says the man

"Oh" says St Peter
Thats just god. He thinks he's Yngwie Malmsteen

 

[palinurus]

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.

 

[Hover Fly]

What's the one good thing about bagpipes?



There's no smell.

 

[Monsieur Remings]

Just Bach from my weekly food Chopin and realised I forgot to buy the pickled Gershwins and the Satie sauce. I'm a bit dis-Concerto'd but that's just the Air head I am.

Atleast I remembered my 4-pack of Holst pils though symphony put, if I have too many Berios I end up Mahler-ed and then spend all Night on Bare Mountain needing a Liszt.

If the old Shostakovich comes in now, we'll have a right old Timpani and she'll ask what sort of a Rachmaninov are you? Pachebel your bags...