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Mysogonistic jokes

Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by girofan, 9 Jan 2008.

  1. girofan

    girofan New Member

    What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A battery has a positive side.

    What are the three fastest means of communication?
    1) Internet
    2) Telephone
    3) Telawoman

    How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
    They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

    How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
    Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

    How is a woman like a condom?
    Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your [​IMG].

    What should you give a woman who has everything?
    A man to show her how to work it.

    Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
    Because you could easily fit another pair of [​IMG] in there.

    How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
    Put a nipple on it.

    Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
    Because they don't have balls to scratch.

    Why did God create woman ?
    To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

    Why do women fake orgasms ?
    Because they think men care.

    What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
    Nothing, she's been told twice already.

    If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
    you done wrong?
    Made her chain too long

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.


    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
    never be able to support you.


    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
    to the kitchen sink.

    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'


    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


    Why do men pass gas more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
    pressure.


    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
    front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told


    I married a Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.


    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
    90%.
    It's called a Wedding Cake.


    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.


    Women will never be equal to men...
    until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
    still think they are sexy.


    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
     
  2. simonali

    simonali Über Member

    Location:
    Wiltshire
    Made I laugh! (sorry ladies)

    Got another:

    A woman has just got out of the shower and is looking at her naked self in the bathroom mirror. she says to her husband "Looking at myself makes me feel all fat and ugly. Tell me something that'll cheer me up". He replies "You appear to have perfect eyesight!"
     
  3. Why do women have small hands?

    To make your cock look bigger.
     
  4. Pete

    Pete Guest

    Someone can't even spell 'misogynistic'. :wacko::smile:!B)
     
  5. Ashtrayhead

    Ashtrayhead Über Member

    Location:
    Belvedere, Kent.
    Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-through" cash point machines in the UK, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

    Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.
    Male Procedure

    1 Drive up to the cash machine.
    2 Wind down your car window.
    3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
    4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5 Remove card and receipt
    6 Drive off


    Female Procedure

    1 Drive up to cash machine
    2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
    3 Re-start the stalled engine
    4 wind down the window
    5 Find handbag, remove all contents on the passenger seat to locate card
    6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
    7 Attempt to insert card into machine
    8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
    9 Insert card
    10 Re-insert card the right way up
    11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
    12 Enter PIN
    13 Press cancel and enter correct PIN
    14 Enter amount of cash required
    15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
    16 Retrieve cash and receipt
    17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
    18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
    19 Check eyelashes in mirror
    20 Drive forwards 2 metres
    21 Reverse back to cash machine
    22 Retrieve card
    23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
    24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
    25 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
    26 Release hand brake
     
  6. OP
    OP
    girofan

    girofan New Member

    Don't be so po-faced, lighten up and have a laugh!
     
  7. Cycling Naturalist

    Cycling Naturalist Legendary Member

    Location:
    Llangollen
    Thank goodness for these jokes. I've got to address a meeting of women social workers tomorrow and I needed some jokes to break the ice.
     
  8. Arch

    Arch Married to Night Train

    Location:
    York, UK

    Yeah, typical man, I say...

    (Pete excepted, of course;))
     
  9. Pete

    Pete Guest

    Arch, you're forgetting Patrick :angry: - perfect gentleman he's been on this thread! Indeed I'm sure you'll be asked to read the lesson at his funeral next week ... ;)
     
  10. Arch

    Arch Married to Night Train

    Location:
    York, UK
    The lesson being, don't try telling any of these jokes to a room full of professional women....:sad:
     
  11. Chuffy

    Chuffy Veteran

    Whip out your pocket linings and show them the old white eared elephant. Breaks the ice and you're guaranteed a laugh. Especially you Patrick.
    Word of warning though, some of the more sensitive ladies might have a stroke. The rest won't be able to reach.
     
  12. Johnny Thin

    Johnny Thin New Member

    I always thought they do anything, if you pay them in advance ... ? ;) :sad:
     
  13. alecstilleyedye

    alecstilleyedye nothing in moderation Staff Member

    what about a room full of amateur women?
     
  14. Cycling Naturalist

    Cycling Naturalist Legendary Member

    Location:
    Llangollen
    I see what you mean. I'll try them out first at a meeting of the Local Government Women Equality Officers. :smile:
     
  15. Chuffy

    Chuffy Veteran

    Is there any other kind? :smile:
    I thought they only came in lady flavour.....