Plenty of Fish Problem

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MarkF

Guru
Location
Yorkshire
I've a friend (53) who lives alone, he holds down a full time job, pays his bills, travels abroad alone and appears to be a regular bloke. He is a very open, friendly guy with many pals, but he has mild learning difficulties. He wants a partner.

His spelling and grammar is poor, so he tells me (or writes) his profile and messages and I, with prompts, "neaten" it up. He had zero replies to his msg's and no approaches so,......................I took out the reference to his difficulties. Now women contact him regularly. But as soon as he tells them, usually just as the women are pressing for a date, contact stops. It's upsetting. :sad:

He now has a date arranged with a women, she has a physical disability, she keeps asking him if he's read ALL her profile, she is obviously concerned he has missed a bit and she has obviously (IMO) suffered the same disability rejection experience as my friend.

He has told her he's dyslexic and has trouble reading and writing, this didn't bother her at all. :smile: But it's a bit more than that and can manifest itself in odd mannerisms, sometimes.

Should he go further, explain more and risk losing his date, is it unfair on the woman not to?
 
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Spinney

Bimbleur extraordinaire
Location
Back up north
He's going on a date, not marrying her (not yet, anyway!!)
If they seem to be getting on, he should probably tell her during the date. Don't leave it until later than that...
 

Pale Rider

Legendary Member
Some caution needed, posting as a vulnerable person he is ripe to be ripped off by some of the knackers who prowl these sites.

The lass very likely is who she says she is, but for the first meeting at least I would suggest some simple precautions such as only taking cash - no credit cards, driving licence etc - and preferably use public transport rather than taking the car.
 
OP
OP
MarkF

MarkF

Guru
Location
Yorkshire
There are agencies that specialise in arranging dates for people with learning disabilities.

That's what I hoped there'd be, know any?

He's meeting in a Leeds Costa, with cash and using the train, so not much can go wrong.

I am super keen for him, just worrying about the lady not having all the information that she should perhaps have.
 

Electric_Andy

Heavy Metal Fan
Location
Plymouth
Leave it at that, it's not misleading now that he's said he's got learning difficulties. Think about it this way; many able-bodied people go on dates not having disclosed everything. In fact many people lie. So, he should go and meet her and have a completely clear conscience. Furthermore, "it's a bit more than that and can manifest itself in odd mannerisms, sometimes." is part of a persons personality and should not be viewed as something to be "declared".
 

Dec66

A gentlemanly pootler, these days
Location
West Wickham
Can you let us know how his date goes, please?

I must confess to welling up a bit on reading the OP. My youngest daughter has a genetic condition called Sotos Syndrome, and while she's on the milder end of the spectrum she does have some developmental delay (as well as some obvious physical symptoms), and whilst we try to live in the "here and now" we do occasionally wonder what adult life holds in store for her.
 

swee'pea99

Legendary Member
It does you credit that you're concerned for her, but she's a big girl and I'm sure can look out for herself. And I'm sure she knows as we all do that when it comes to such occasions, it's a case of 'tell the truth, the whole truth, well...most of the truth'. Let it run, see where it goes. It's not like he's going to do her any harm. Hope it goes well.
 

Stephenite

Membå
Location
OslO
You're a very good friend to have @MarkF.

Let them find out about one another. When I've been on dates in the past, and if I were to meet someone now, I don't think one should dwell on the negative aspects. It's all about taking a chance too, which is quite exciting. Good to your friend, and the girl too.
 
That's what I hoped there'd be, know any?

He's meeting in a Leeds Costa, with cash and using the train, so not much can go wrong.

I am super keen for him, just worrying about the lady not having all the information that she should perhaps have.
Sorry no. If you get a chance, watch 'The Undateables' on C4. It restores your faith in humanity and may be of help as this is entirely what it's about. Last series had some weddings. They talk abut agencies that specialise but none specific though I'm sure google can help.
 

Wafer

Veteran
Can understand the concern but I wouldn't overly worry about that sort of thing.
I met my partner through POF, I don't think she would describe herself as having a disability but she has mobility issues due to developmental joint problems and though she can generally get around ok, she can't walk for that long without ending up in pain. Is this a problem? A bit, she can't walk the dog that far so a lot of his exercise is reliant on me, she's never going to join me on a bike ride, some places I would save money and walk to she will drive or get a taxi.
She didn't mention it on her profile, or even raise it in our early dates. She also didn't mention that despite being a rugby fan (one of the things we bonded over) she supports Scotland because her dad is Scottish, or that she hates all seafood and doesn't like tea.

I honestly couldn't say if things would've been different had she mentioned those things in her profile, I'd like to think not but who knows. We're getting married in a couple of weeks so if disclosing stuff would've stopped me replying to her, I'm glad she didn't mention it :smile:
 

cd365

Guru
Location
Coventry, uk
From what I understand very few people are overly truthful on POF (I'm married so have no use for it), he should wait until they meet to divulge that much information, let her see it for herself, she can then decide if his learning difficulties are a serious hindrance to what she is looking for. Hopefully it won't be.
I wish him all the best
 

Globalti

Legendary Member
If that's all he's worried about, it's nothing compared with the half-truths and deceptions that happen all the time in the dating game.

They need to meet up and enjoy a coffee together. If they continue to meet and it looks like becoming serious I'm sure they can chat about their own worries; after all that's what a close, supportive relationship is supposed to be about, isn't it?

This has echoes for me on sexuality. If I find somebody interesting and want to chat with them, their sexuality is irrelevant and I don't care if they sleep with someone from outer space. Why do people have to make such a big thing of it?
 
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