a_spanner_short
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Porkies you have told — and been believed?
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vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
I convinced my son was that I'd bequeathed my vinyl collection to a colleague. I lived the lie for five years. It ate away at him though he reluctantly accepted that it was not to be his. Every now and then he proposed compromises which were gently rejected with fake regret. The rest at Levy Towers were in on the act and supported the tale.
I don't know how he discovered that he's been had. I suppose it was a bit like discovering that Santa didn't exist but with the opposite emotional response.
I don't know how he discovered that he's been had. I suppose it was a bit like discovering that Santa didn't exist but with the opposite emotional response.
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
I convinced a male colleague that, after he had sent a suggestive but humorous letter to a very attractive female colleague purporting to come from a third male colleague, it had not been well received and she's complained to a deputy head who was draconian when dealing with sexual harassment and gender discrimination issues. I told him that I'd been hauled in by her and hauled over the coals and although I'd recognised his handwriting, I'd taken the bullet and was awaiting an uncertain fate as the matter had been referred upwards.
He visibly blanched, stood up and walked with the gait of a condemned man out of the staffroom and along the corridor towards the dragon's den as the deputy's office was known. He slowly raised his arm readying himself to knock at her door when I shouted, "Only joking!". I was leaner, fitter and faster then and needed every bit of assistance to make my escape from the door from the staff room that lead out onto the playground and then out into the streets.
He never managed to get me back.
He visibly blanched, stood up and walked with the gait of a condemned man out of the staffroom and along the corridor towards the dragon's den as the deputy's office was known. He slowly raised his arm readying himself to knock at her door when I shouted, "Only joking!". I was leaner, fitter and faster then and needed every bit of assistance to make my escape from the door from the staff room that lead out onto the playground and then out into the streets.
He never managed to get me back.
mr_hippo
Living Legend & Old Fart
i was a medic working on a Royal Saudi Air Force Weapons Delivery Range; the range was about 80 kms from our compound but only the first 10 k or so was on the road. We used to travel out on the Saturday morning and come home for the weekend when flying ended on Wednesday afternoon. Jim, range supervisor,and i travelled in one vehicle but the range safety officers, employed by BAe, travelled in their own. One frequent topic of conversation over breakfast on Saturday at the range was about Wednesday's trip home - usually between 2 and 3 hours.
One Wednesday we left before the BAe guys, Jim was driving and asked me to check behind for the BAe dust trail but there was none. All of a sudden, we went off the beaten track towards a huge outcrop of rock: Jim then told me of his plan. We hid there for about 20 mins, saw the BAe guys drive past, waited about 10 more mins and made our way home.
Doug, one of the BAe guys, was flabbergasted on the Saturday morning when we told him that we were home in 35 mins because we found the short cut and all week, he pestered us for directions but we remained tight-lipped. Long safter my conract ended, I believe the two BAe guys were still searching for the short cut!
One Wednesday we left before the BAe guys, Jim was driving and asked me to check behind for the BAe dust trail but there was none. All of a sudden, we went off the beaten track towards a huge outcrop of rock: Jim then told me of his plan. We hid there for about 20 mins, saw the BAe guys drive past, waited about 10 more mins and made our way home.
Doug, one of the BAe guys, was flabbergasted on the Saturday morning when we told him that we were home in 35 mins because we found the short cut and all week, he pestered us for directions but we remained tight-lipped. Long safter my conract ended, I believe the two BAe guys were still searching for the short cut!
mr_hippo
Living Legend & Old Fart
Our satellite TV provider in Bangkok offered four packages - basic, silver, gold and platinum. The company used to do promotion weeks where anyone could get all channels and try to get people to upgrade. no sports channels on either basic or silver so we went fot the gold package.
We lived on the second floor of an apartment block over the road was a house with a satellite dish with a plastic bottle on the sticky out bit possibly as a water shield.
A new teacher noved into the flat above us and we invited him in for a cuppa, He saw that I had put a water bottle over the sticky out bit and asked what it was for. I told him that the bottle confuses the satellite into giving us all channels for the price of the basic package; I showm that we had all channels (it was a promtion week). I don't know how mant different brands of bottled water he tried but none worked!
We lived on the second floor of an apartment block over the road was a house with a satellite dish with a plastic bottle on the sticky out bit possibly as a water shield.
A new teacher noved into the flat above us and we invited him in for a cuppa, He saw that I had put a water bottle over the sticky out bit and asked what it was for. I told him that the bottle confuses the satellite into giving us all channels for the price of the basic package; I showm that we had all channels (it was a promtion week). I don't know how mant different brands of bottled water he tried but none worked!
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
In a plane during a lightning storm after taking off, on our first [and second last] skiing trip, my wife asked what the flashing was? I told her it was a lighthouse... 30 years ago, almost to the day, but I still get a slap now and again.
NormanD
Lunatic Asylum Escapee
- Location
- Heworth the other side of life!
I managed to convince my mate (with the help of a hairy biker mechanic) that the problems with his Bedford CF van was down to the woffley sprocket being out of sync with the piff piff gearing.
I'll explain
My mate bought a second hand Bedford van (him being totally mechanical inept) for a good price; only problem being, it was a poor starter (perished vacuum ignition tube) so one day while out with him, he stalled it at a junction and couldn’t get it to start again, so I popped the bonnet, placed my hand over the perished tube (to form a seal) and the van started right off, drops bonnet and jumps back in.
Mate – How the hell did you do that?
Me – The woffley sprocket is out of sync with the piff piff gearing
Mate _Yeah right!
Mate passing a railway arch mechanic garage further down the road, pops right in and pulls up at the doorway, What looked like a hells angel (large built bloke with scraggly beard) in oil soaked overalls pops out of a small trailer type box office to the left.
Mechanic – Can I help you?
Mate – Yes I've a problem with my van
Mechanic – Ok pop the bonnet and I'll take a look
Mechanic pops his head under the bonnet
Mechanic – what sort of problems you been having?
Mate _ I believe the “Woffley Sprocket is out of sync with the piff piff gearing” said with a rather confident content smug look on his face
Mechanic lifts his head up from the engine bay with a rather puzzled frown on his face
Me standing just behind my mate, gave the mechanic a cheeky wink and a nod.
Mechanic – Oh that irritating problem, no problem, I can fix that.
So the mechanic pops back into the little box type office and within a minute you can hear roars of laughter from the other two guys inside (who look out with prying eyes at the idiot with the van)
While my mate had walked to the back of the van (as you do waiting about) I informed the mechanic that the Vacuum tube was perished, which he replaced, while spouting to my mate “you have to watch these woffley sprockets things you know, can be troublesome” (me sniggering while turning my head away)
Mate (upon the repair being completed) How much is that?
Mechanic – Oh no charge to a fellow mechanics like yourself, Its a good job you know engines, it could have taken me a while to trace that problem.
You should have seen him spouting off with pride to his Mrs (when we arrived at his for a coffee stop) how he informed the mechanic of the problem with his van!
I'll explain
My mate bought a second hand Bedford van (him being totally mechanical inept) for a good price; only problem being, it was a poor starter (perished vacuum ignition tube) so one day while out with him, he stalled it at a junction and couldn’t get it to start again, so I popped the bonnet, placed my hand over the perished tube (to form a seal) and the van started right off, drops bonnet and jumps back in.
Mate – How the hell did you do that?
Me – The woffley sprocket is out of sync with the piff piff gearing
Mate _Yeah right!
Mate passing a railway arch mechanic garage further down the road, pops right in and pulls up at the doorway, What looked like a hells angel (large built bloke with scraggly beard) in oil soaked overalls pops out of a small trailer type box office to the left.
Mechanic – Can I help you?
Mate – Yes I've a problem with my van
Mechanic – Ok pop the bonnet and I'll take a look
Mechanic pops his head under the bonnet
Mechanic – what sort of problems you been having?
Mate _ I believe the “Woffley Sprocket is out of sync with the piff piff gearing” said with a rather confident content smug look on his face
Mechanic lifts his head up from the engine bay with a rather puzzled frown on his face
Me standing just behind my mate, gave the mechanic a cheeky wink and a nod.
Mechanic – Oh that irritating problem, no problem, I can fix that.
So the mechanic pops back into the little box type office and within a minute you can hear roars of laughter from the other two guys inside (who look out with prying eyes at the idiot with the van)
While my mate had walked to the back of the van (as you do waiting about) I informed the mechanic that the Vacuum tube was perished, which he replaced, while spouting to my mate “you have to watch these woffley sprockets things you know, can be troublesome” (me sniggering while turning my head away)
Mate (upon the repair being completed) How much is that?
Mechanic – Oh no charge to a fellow mechanics like yourself, Its a good job you know engines, it could have taken me a while to trace that problem.
You should have seen him spouting off with pride to his Mrs (when we arrived at his for a coffee stop) how he informed the mechanic of the problem with his van!
brokenflipflop
Veteran
- Location
- Worsley
I can't stand the mother-in-law. Imagine "Shameless", "my big fat gypsy wedding" and "Benidorm" times it by 10 and welcome to her world. She's also a Man U fan (typical). When we were on speaking terms she was bragging about her new Man U credit card. I sent her a text message from my work computer along the lines of "congratulations on your new credit card. You were automatically entered into a prize draw and you've won two tickets for Saturday's home game - go to the ticket office at Old Trafford to claim your tickets and quote ref: win38942" When I got home from work my wife phoned me - The mother in law had got her other son-in-law to have a day off work to take her to Old Trafford to claim her tickets. Apparently she was there over an hour complaining that she knows she's won the tickets because she had the reference number to prove it. To say she was livid is an understatement. I didn't even let on to my wife that I'd done it. I know the mother-in-law's not sure it was me, otherwise I'd be swimming with the fishes right now. Rightly or wrongly I've gained a huge amount of pleasure from it because she is a vile human being.
Peteaud
Veteran
- Location
- South Somerset
thats evil,funny, but evil.
I convinced a very non mechnical female freind of mine that the faster you drive the more mpg you get, and explained that f1 cars do hundreds of laps on 1 tank of petrol, in fact they are so good that the tyres wear out before the fuel runs out. Took her ages to wise up.
Salad Dodger
Legendary Member
- Location
- Kent Coast
I used to work in a big London branch of Natwest bank.
For a while, my job was to buy and sell shares on behalf of customers, but also to deal with the accounts of deceased customers. Just make sure that things like standing orders got cancelled, and that the solicitors or next of kin provided the correct paperwork to enable the account balance(s) to be paid away. Basically, there was a long "ticksheet" for each account to make sure that all the procedures were followed. Simples!
Eventually, I had to train someone alse to take over from me. The someone else in question being a very nice, but rather ditsy girl.
So I explained the general procedure for dealing with an account, then we looked through the forms that were still being processed.
At about the 4th form I said:
"Oh this is a bit of an unusual case. This lady got knocked down by a bus, and she was taken off to hospital, where they declared her dead, and the death certificate was issued."
"They took her body to the morgue, but in the morgue she somehow revived, and regained conciousness".
"But, because a death certificate had already been issued, they had to bury her anyway...."
My trainee colleague was wide eyed. She exclaimed "They never!!!"
It was 2 hours before I told her that I had made it up.
For a while, my job was to buy and sell shares on behalf of customers, but also to deal with the accounts of deceased customers. Just make sure that things like standing orders got cancelled, and that the solicitors or next of kin provided the correct paperwork to enable the account balance(s) to be paid away. Basically, there was a long "ticksheet" for each account to make sure that all the procedures were followed. Simples!
Eventually, I had to train someone alse to take over from me. The someone else in question being a very nice, but rather ditsy girl.
So I explained the general procedure for dealing with an account, then we looked through the forms that were still being processed.
At about the 4th form I said:
"Oh this is a bit of an unusual case. This lady got knocked down by a bus, and she was taken off to hospital, where they declared her dead, and the death certificate was issued."
"They took her body to the morgue, but in the morgue she somehow revived, and regained conciousness".
"But, because a death certificate had already been issued, they had to bury her anyway...."
My trainee colleague was wide eyed. She exclaimed "They never!!!"
It was 2 hours before I told her that I had made it up.
Salad Dodger
Legendary Member
- Location
- Kent Coast
I was working for Natwest Bank in East London at the time that The Sun and News of the World transferred production to a plant in Wapping, which resulted in a lot of aggro outside the plant between trades union and secondary pickets and the non-union production staff at the new plant. If I recall correctly, they got called the "Wapping Riots".
In the branch where I worked there was a very young lad, who was the quietest, least offensive guy you could hope to meet. A very good worker, very into the church and Boys Brigade. All in all an absolute model citizen if you can say such a thing about a guy of about 17 or 18.
And there was a young girl who was the worst gossip you have ever met in your life.
On the morning after one of the riots, the young lad phoned in sick. Which was fair enough because all the previous day he had looked like absolute crap, so those who worked with him were not at all surprised that he had called in sick.
The gossip girl wanted to know what the call was all about, and why the young lad was not coming in. So I told her, in absolutely the strictest confidence, not to be passed on to anyone, that actually he had been arrested the previous evening on the picket line at Wapping, but that he wanted it kept quiet for obvious reasons. So don't tell anyone......
In the branch where I worked there was a very young lad, who was the quietest, least offensive guy you could hope to meet. A very good worker, very into the church and Boys Brigade. All in all an absolute model citizen if you can say such a thing about a guy of about 17 or 18.
And there was a young girl who was the worst gossip you have ever met in your life.
On the morning after one of the riots, the young lad phoned in sick. Which was fair enough because all the previous day he had looked like absolute crap, so those who worked with him were not at all surprised that he had called in sick.
The gossip girl wanted to know what the call was all about, and why the young lad was not coming in. So I told her, in absolutely the strictest confidence, not to be passed on to anyone, that actually he had been arrested the previous evening on the picket line at Wapping, but that he wanted it kept quiet for obvious reasons. So don't tell anyone......
Maz
Guru
As the tagline goes: That's McDonald's, and then son.
gbb
Squire
- Location
- Peterborough
We used to be 'rumour control' at work...throw in a blatant lie to a conversation with someone and see where it went. It went awry once....
Threw in this comment....it was digested by the recipient and off he went.
Never heard anything (as was sometimes the case)...till about 3 months later someone came up to us and told us this story of impending doom at work
A frantic discussion ensued between about 6 of us.....about 5 minutes in, it dawned on me and i said....'HANG ON...WE started that one ages ago'.
Threw in this comment....it was digested by the recipient and off he went.
Never heard anything (as was sometimes the case)...till about 3 months later someone came up to us and told us this story of impending doom at work
A frantic discussion ensued between about 6 of us.....about 5 minutes in, it dawned on me and i said....'HANG ON...WE started that one ages ago'.
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