No Ta Doctor
Senior Member
Never trust anything Movistar do as a team, it's bound to come apart spectacularly as they realise they've inadvertently aided people they hate
The Official Lanterne Rouge Thread 2025 [spoilers]
- Thread starter Lanterne Rogue
- Start date
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Never trust anything Movistar do as a team, it's bound to come apart spectacularly as they realise they've inadvertently aided people they hate
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Lanterne Rogue
Well-Known Member
If there's one team that could harness the twin terrors of chaos and disharmony to fuel a proper tilt at the lanterne it's Movistar, but even then you suspect they'd find a way to contrive it all going terribly right.
No Ta Doctor
Senior Member
Fedorov home in an impressive 42.24,21 - that's 4.39,27 behind the early lead of Ivan Romeo after just a handful of riders have been though. Has he gone out too soft?
No Ta Doctor
Senior Member
Accidentally getting Mas on the podium by aiming for the Lanterne...
Pinno718
Über Member
- Location
- Way out West
Makes one wonder why they didn't bring Valverde out of retirement to bolster their hopes of a Podium.
Which leads me on to Froome's exclusion... 'Oh, I didn't see that lamp post 'cos I was too busy staring at the stem' tactics would work wonders in a bid for the underall.
Does anyone think there is motorised cheating going on? If you reversed the polarity in the power supply of a hidden motor...
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Lanterne Rogue
Well-Known Member
Arnie de Lie the current clubhouse leader. Looking at the timings he started badly, declined in the middle, and recovered brilliantly to lose more in the final third. A masterclass on how to ride this sort of event.
No Ta Doctor
Senior Member
Arnaud De Lie currently slowest and in the cold seat, 1'13" and six places after Fedorov's early benchmark.
Other notable efforts from Campenaerts who emptied the tank yesterday and Storer, who will probably want to try a break-n-drop in the mountains
Other notable efforts from Campenaerts who emptied the tank yesterday and Storer, who will probably want to try a break-n-drop in the mountains
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Lanterne Rogue
Well-Known Member
After a secret vote amongst a shadowy cabal of aerodynamics experts, today's individual time trial has duly been ratified as Stage 5, so let's put on our stupid helmets, adopt the regulation sock height, and see what happened in the Lanterne.
Widely known as the race of truth - presumably because your legs get to denounce you like the treacherous little sods they are - today was always going to shake up the table a bit. There's always somebody who goes out a bit too excited, gets carried away with wearing aero kit like the big boys, and who utterly tanks their LR position as a result. Today's victim was Ivan Romeo who proved he's a lover not a fighter. Placing himself early in the naughty chair, or "hot seat" as the marketing wonks insist on calling it, Romeo's unexpected burst of enthusiasm pulls him out of the bottom ten.
Being a much more professional outfit, a lot of focus before the stage was placed on Visma [annoying character] Lease a Bike. All the hype was that they had been keeping their powder dry and were about to seize the race by the scruff of the neck. Ignoring that Jonas fellow, who simply doesn't have the form to challenge at the sharp end, there's a huge amount of talent in the team that have arrived in France perfectly prepared to underperform. Won't van Aert is obviously attracting most attention for his air of lethargy, but Yates has also been notably inactive, if not exactly committing fully to the Lanterne. Showing full commitment to maximal gains, Visma [annoying character] Lease a Bike pulled out all the aero kit, including a helmet that made everybody look like a lampshade in a sixties sci-fi serial. Only Victor Campenaerts managed to wear it correctly, however (it's supposed to be worn like one of those cones you stick on a dog to stop it licking the spot where its balls used to be), and harnessed its unique drag-enhancing effects to take third on the stage.
Second place was taken by Storer of Tudor Pro Cycling Team, who have simultaneously justified the presence of the smaller teams and implied the existence of Stewart, Hanoverian and Plantagenet Pro Cycling Teams. Storer climbs the top ten as a result, and will be pleased with today's "effort".
Stage honours however were taken by Arnaud de Lie, who has picked up a couple of useful crashes in the opening stages and then paced himself perfectly in the time trial. Starting off with a glacially-paced opening segment, he then decelerated calmly and rode a perfect negative attitude in the second half to take an amazing six minutes and 55 seconds off perennial disappointment Remco Evenepoel, whose occasional bike handling difficulties have yet to blossom into a genuine LR challenge (I note that Geraint Thomas has similarly failed to capitalise on his god-given chaos magnet energy).
In the bottom three Vercher miscalculated his pacing a little allowing Bol to climb back above him. With both Astana riders looking uncomfortable, and the team having two cards to play, Vercher is now in a difficult tactical position if he wants to deliver France's first Lanterne in years. Join us tomorrow to see how cycling's rich tapestry unfolds in Bayeux...
Dancing the Caen-Caen:
Silly Caen'ts:
Widely known as the race of truth - presumably because your legs get to denounce you like the treacherous little sods they are - today was always going to shake up the table a bit. There's always somebody who goes out a bit too excited, gets carried away with wearing aero kit like the big boys, and who utterly tanks their LR position as a result. Today's victim was Ivan Romeo who proved he's a lover not a fighter. Placing himself early in the naughty chair, or "hot seat" as the marketing wonks insist on calling it, Romeo's unexpected burst of enthusiasm pulls him out of the bottom ten.
Being a much more professional outfit, a lot of focus before the stage was placed on Visma [annoying character] Lease a Bike. All the hype was that they had been keeping their powder dry and were about to seize the race by the scruff of the neck. Ignoring that Jonas fellow, who simply doesn't have the form to challenge at the sharp end, there's a huge amount of talent in the team that have arrived in France perfectly prepared to underperform. Won't van Aert is obviously attracting most attention for his air of lethargy, but Yates has also been notably inactive, if not exactly committing fully to the Lanterne. Showing full commitment to maximal gains, Visma [annoying character] Lease a Bike pulled out all the aero kit, including a helmet that made everybody look like a lampshade in a sixties sci-fi serial. Only Victor Campenaerts managed to wear it correctly, however (it's supposed to be worn like one of those cones you stick on a dog to stop it licking the spot where its balls used to be), and harnessed its unique drag-enhancing effects to take third on the stage.
Second place was taken by Storer of Tudor Pro Cycling Team, who have simultaneously justified the presence of the smaller teams and implied the existence of Stewart, Hanoverian and Plantagenet Pro Cycling Teams. Storer climbs the top ten as a result, and will be pleased with today's "effort".
Stage honours however were taken by Arnaud de Lie, who has picked up a couple of useful crashes in the opening stages and then paced himself perfectly in the time trial. Starting off with a glacially-paced opening segment, he then decelerated calmly and rode a perfect negative attitude in the second half to take an amazing six minutes and 55 seconds off perennial disappointment Remco Evenepoel, whose occasional bike handling difficulties have yet to blossom into a genuine LR challenge (I note that Geraint Thomas has similarly failed to capitalise on his god-given chaos magnet energy).
In the bottom three Vercher miscalculated his pacing a little allowing Bol to climb back above him. With both Astana riders looking uncomfortable, and the team having two cards to play, Vercher is now in a difficult tactical position if he wants to deliver France's first Lanterne in years. Join us tomorrow to see how cycling's rich tapestry unfolds in Bayeux...
Dancing the Caen-Caen:
Silly Caen'ts:
No Ta Doctor
Senior Member
I can't believe you just ruined this thread with that cheap Bayeux Tapestry pun, it's properly needled me. You've stitched up everyone who's ever supported you. You normally weave a fine story, but that was cloth-eared.
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Lanterne Rogue
Well-Known Member
I like to embroider my reports - you know that!
No Ta Doctor
Senior Member
You reap what you ... err ... sew.
Pross
Veteran
They would probably keep attacking each other in the break off the back until they drive each other OTL
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Lanterne Rogue
Well-Known Member
And so to a stage the numerically challenged are already calling Stage 7, and drama almost from the start as people repeatedly tried to get away, were reeled in, a previous favourite tried to use team mates to put pressure on and retrieve his position, and in the end the leader was decided by the tiniest of margins after a completely pointless sprint. Oh, and apparently at the other end Pogacar nearly forgot to hand over enough time to loan his jumper away, but who cares about that?
Yup, after the time trial yesterday finally allowed us to work out who's tapered perfectly for the Tour - ie from our point of view just in time for their legs to give up completely - today's stage was primed for some peak Lanterne nonsense, and so it proved. With attacks going all over the place, and Jumbo Visma deciding to give Mrs Vingegaard's therapist a new income stream by sending Wout van Can't and literally everybody else at one point or another up the road, loads of riders saw the opportunity to blow themselves up, drop out the back with a cheery "sorry boss!", and to soft-pedal around the course in a suspiciously large autobus. Indeed, whilst the big lads were messing around up front the rear of the peloton paid homage to Swiss Normandy by neutralising half the course. You might sa.
When racing resumed, however, the Lanterne was upended. Cees Bol lost his head totally, panicked, and surrendered over eight minutes on LR to drop out of the top ten entirely. It's almost unprecedented in his career and will have the team urgently checking his nutrition and bike set up to try and understand this amazing improvement in form. It's possible his rivals simply got in his head and he was trying too hard in the early stages to make something happen.
With Bol out of the picture the race was wide open, and a largish group slipped away for stage honours and a big improvement on LR. Eventually it was Dylan that went electric, with Teuns frantically holding off a fast retreating duo of Lanterne hunter Matteo Vercher and Jordi Meeus of Team Daily Medical Update (I certainly see his name more often there than associated with anyone else). Unaccountably - and in an uncanny echo of the inferior competition at the other end - Fedorov seems to have got a bit carried away in the last manic metres. Unlike Tadej, however, Fedorov ended up on the wrong side of the clock and surrenders the lead by a mere four seconds. Finally, and aptly for a stage in Suisse Normande, Silvan Dillier stole enough time to complete the podium. I'm sure it was a piece of cake for the Swiss roleur.
And this sort of racing, everybody, is exactly why the Lanterne remains the greatest competition in cycling...
Sabrina Carpenter:
Sabrina Carpetright:
Yup, after the time trial yesterday finally allowed us to work out who's tapered perfectly for the Tour - ie from our point of view just in time for their legs to give up completely - today's stage was primed for some peak Lanterne nonsense, and so it proved. With attacks going all over the place, and Jumbo Visma deciding to give Mrs Vingegaard's therapist a new income stream by sending Wout van Can't and literally everybody else at one point or another up the road, loads of riders saw the opportunity to blow themselves up, drop out the back with a cheery "sorry boss!", and to soft-pedal around the course in a suspiciously large autobus. Indeed, whilst the big lads were messing around up front the rear of the peloton paid homage to Swiss Normandy by neutralising half the course. You might sa.
When racing resumed, however, the Lanterne was upended. Cees Bol lost his head totally, panicked, and surrendered over eight minutes on LR to drop out of the top ten entirely. It's almost unprecedented in his career and will have the team urgently checking his nutrition and bike set up to try and understand this amazing improvement in form. It's possible his rivals simply got in his head and he was trying too hard in the early stages to make something happen.
With Bol out of the picture the race was wide open, and a largish group slipped away for stage honours and a big improvement on LR. Eventually it was Dylan that went electric, with Teuns frantically holding off a fast retreating duo of Lanterne hunter Matteo Vercher and Jordi Meeus of Team Daily Medical Update (I certainly see his name more often there than associated with anyone else). Unaccountably - and in an uncanny echo of the inferior competition at the other end - Fedorov seems to have got a bit carried away in the last manic metres. Unlike Tadej, however, Fedorov ended up on the wrong side of the clock and surrenders the lead by a mere four seconds. Finally, and aptly for a stage in Suisse Normande, Silvan Dillier stole enough time to complete the podium. I'm sure it was a piece of cake for the Swiss roleur.
And this sort of racing, everybody, is exactly why the Lanterne remains the greatest competition in cycling...
Sabrina Carpenter:
Sabrina Carpetright:
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Shadow
member
- Location
- edge of the south downs
Errr, the table above is replicated. Just checking we are paying attention, perhaps?
And, shurely some mention should go to the best named rider in this year's Tour, who is now just one place off the podium, Van St Martins Dick?
And, shurely some mention should go to the best named rider in this year's Tour, who is now just one place off the podium, Van St Martins Dick?
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Lanterne Rogue
Well-Known Member
Oh FFS (now fixed, and thank you!)
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