The Official Lanterne Rouge Thread 2025 [spoilers]

[ddraver]

Catastrophic jour avec for Bol, alas with his physique he really should do better on such a parcours...

M.Vercher has potential to be a LR favourite I think. This sort of virtuoso performance for the DS will tug the heartstrings of many a...erm... British cycling househusband...

https://www.cyclingweekly.com/racin...france-rider-who-just-misses-out-on-stage-win

(We need a name on a par with Jerome's Cousin to cement him there though)

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

Crashed in the neutral zone, eh? You can't teach talent like that.

Can't believe he's not already on posters in teenage bedrooms the length of France, tbh.

 

[Pinno718]

Crashed in the neutral zone, eh? You can't teach talent like that.

Can't believe he's not already on posters in teenage bedrooms the length of France, tbh.

[Without blood and tears, it's a 'non-événement']

There was a noticeable reduction of gravity based tactics yesterday. Are the LR contenders going soft?
I know Philipsen got it slightly wrong but one expects of the modern TdF, a bare minimum number of spills per day. Some blame it on the speed riders are travelling at or that the stages in current GT's are shorter than a Tik Tok clip but the real reason is the pressure on the LR.

As Albert Camus' distant cousin's aunties friend said on the matter:

"When the moon winks, the vulture flies sideways".

Which, like a lot of classical French philosophy (and literature) , is riddled with so much metaphor to the point where it becomes completely incomprehensible. I think that the more incomprehensible it is, the more it is revered in France.
In an early account of the TdF by a journalist who wrote about the penal colonies, 'it was so dusty, they had spoons in their mouths'. Genius.
On the 9th of July 1924...

cont. p92

 

[No Ta Doctor]

A quick word on Magnus Cort. He entered the Tour claiming lack of form and no legs (not literally, even a Lanterne has to pedal occasionally and they don't allow hand-bikes) but this clearly wasn't producing the required lack of results. Yesterday however he added illness to the poor form, and was seen throwing up over the top of a Cat 3 climb. That got him a bottom ten finish , and dropped him down into the bottom 20 (16th from last). While he's still 7'30" ahead of the pace on overall he's a canny rider with plenty of experience (though not usually at this end of the race) and remains Denmark's best hope of taking home the Lanterne since Mørkøv beat Bol and Fedorov in 2023.

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

And so to Brittany, where I'm afraid to report that the race jury have convened a five course lunch, considered the footage, and relegated yesterday's stage to being Stage 6 and imposing a 50CHF fine. Today's stage naturally inherits the position of Stage 7.

People may have laughed at this thread when I suggested the Lanterne was the superior competition - and let's be honest, there's precious little else humour in here - but consider this: whilst Visma are busy trying the novel tactic of letting the race favourite win loads of stages and hero taking time (let's see how that works out for them), the Lanterne is changing hands with every stage.

Today saw the race head from St Malo to the Murder Bretagne, which I assume is a cosy rural crime drama akin to Morse, Miss Marple or the Midsomer Murders. Except in French, obviously. After some brief excitement with Visma finally isolating, er, Won't van Aert, a break of five got away and everybody knocked off until the last thirty kilometres or so, at which point it all kicked off. The race splintered, an almighty crash gave everybody an excuse to knock it off (and congratulations to Lenny Martinez for taking an incredible 14 minutes to finish from that group), and the Lanterne competition was on.

As the dust settled, and the heap of abandoned bikes disappeared with the local neds, all became clear. Fodorov has sneaked back into the lead, Vercher had gone the way of all French hopes (or at least second), and the Swiss roleur has given way to van Sintmaartensdijk in third. It's looking like another fascinating Lanterne, and with two pan flat stages this weekend to incentivise reverse breaks we can expect more to come.

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

I'm on my phone and it's really difficult to find a way to post the standings, if somebody could please oblige?

 

[No Ta Doctor]

I'm on my phone and it's really difficult to find a way to post the standings, if somebody could please oblige?

You think I'm getting conned into it like that? Oh no, I know how this works. I bloody invented how this works.

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

I'm on holiday next week with only my phone. We either solve how this works or it's definitely coming back to you!

 

[Shadow]

I'm on holiday next week with only my phone

Poor planning? Or maybe you are going to the Pyrenees? At least you will have tuesday off!

 

[No Ta Doctor]

I'm on holiday next week with only my phone. We either solve how this works or it's definitely coming back to you!

Oh FFS. This dish your serving up for me has been chilling for years, hasn't it? The irony of the mechanism is stunning, I can only applaud

Stage 7 bottom ten

And the Underall, Sponsored by Underlay & Underlay Carpet Bottoms

 

[No Ta Doctor]

Stage eight, was an absolute nightmare for the Astana favourites Fedorov and Bol, who finished dangerously close to the bonus seconds at the wrong end of the race. Bol's challenge must have ... err ... Ceesed. Rutsch bravely threw himself in a ditch and earned himself nearly fourteen minutes from it for a marvellous victory. There must be doubts about whether he'll start tomorrow though.

Now it's definitely conceivable that I may have missed a second or two of today's stage, distracted as I was by some paint that had already dried some years ago but might - potentially - do something, but I didn't see the attack that got Julian Loulou Alalalalaphilippilop his stage podium place. His usual method is five seconds of exertion off the front of the peloton on something resembling a climb, followed by being swallowed by the bunch and spat out of the back like prunes through an IBD patient. Can anybody tell me what happened?



"For those of you reading this on an antiquated Nokia brick in Greece, here's the top ten on today's stage"

Vercher's solid top ten placing and Fedorov's jour avec sees him dive-frog Fedorov for the bottom of the GC:

 

[Shadow]

And my supremely well-named man is now in the podium...he might just be getting the hang of this LR lark.

 

[Pinno718]

Can anybody tell me what happened?

I watched it and no, I can't honestly tell you what happened. The only thing that I did notice, was Ned cranking things up to Hatch hyperbole level 8. It was as nauseating as chucking oneself at the tarmac at the wrong angle and popping a clavicle.
What I do know, is that you've been had by Lanterne Rogue. Brilliant tactics. There's poetic license in an old Nokia brick.

Just when I thought the LR contenders were going soft and not deploying enough gravity assisted tactics, they start doing it in droves. Typical 🙄

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

Urgh, sorry for the late update on Stage 8, but the complete lack of action sent me into such a stupor I've only just woken up and discovered absolute chaos in the underall. I'm not saying today's stage was ridiculously slow, but the presence of Nowt van Aert in second is surely suggestive...

As an absolute, nailed on, flatter than a pancake in a Corby trouser press sprint stage there was always going to be the danger of Lanterne contenders being unfairly called on to move somebody into an underwhelming tenth place in the final sprint, and so it came to pass. That meant a whole load of unfamiliar names at the top of the stage results, although they did get slightly more familiar once I noticed I'd accidently clicked on results for the Tour of Magnificent Qinghai.

That said, the glacial progress of the peloton towards to the Larval Renault Espace meant that it was actually incredibly difficult to sneak off the back, and thankfully for the Lanterne the gaps that subsequently opened up are still relatively surmountable. However it was definitely a bad day for Fedorov and Bol, and a brilliant day for Vercher, who now holds a nearly four minute lead. Meeus moves into second and Sintmaartensdijk now rounds out the podium. The ride of the day however belongs to Mr Rutsch, who took a day out from the extended Roger Hargreaves universe to steal a whole six minutes on anybody else and an incredible 13 minutes on the peloton. An outstanding attack.


R White's Secret Lemonade Drinkers:

Panda Pop's Blue Raspberryade stinkers:

 

[red.rider]

A great ride by Vercher. He attacked off the front after the intermediate sprint, won the combativity award for the day, and still managed to gain over 6 minutes. With race craft like that, he might be hard to dethrone