The Official Lanterne Rouge Thread 2025 [spoilers]

[No Ta Doctor]

Just for info, Skjelmose might be looking to get a Lanterne result tomorrow as he's decided to drop out of GC. He's 7 minutes back and wants to target the polkadots, but will probably need to convince the other minor GC players looking for top tens that he's seriously out of it.

 

[No Ta Doctor]

Well, after an epic "flat stage for the sprinters..." there's only one real story in the Lanterne Rouge standings. Huge groups came in together, effectively neutralising the stage for most, but Astana's podium placed Consoni Ballerini absolutely blew up, his tactic of getting in the early break and then slipping back through the pack when caught failing miserably as the break stayed away. His tenth place, only 1:11 after the first to cross the line has completely destroyed any hope of a placing.

There was some movement in the bottom placings other than Davide shooting upwards and exploding like an Elon Musk rocket
Durbo accidentally fired his turbo and rose out of the bottom ten, Fedorov salvaged something for Astana by dropping into the bottom placings and Silvan Dilly-Dallier also managed to make the bottom ten.

Edit: Apologies to Simone Consonni for: a) spelling his name wrong, b) alleging he rides for Astana, c) mixing him up with his compatriot Ballerini

 

[No Ta Doctor]

So to stage 12, where 170 riders attempted to make a break for the Lanterne with varying levels of success. Pogacar was the big loser, unable to prevent the entire field taking a minimum of 2'12" on him.

Time gaps were difficult to come by at the important end of the race, with l'autobus coming in with over 40 minutes advantage on the day's fastest time. Nevertheless the inventive Bryan Coquard managed to find an additional 4 minutes by the novel method of breaking two fingers attempting to take a musette. Luka Mezgec came in with him, no doubt asking how he'd managed to pull off such an impressive and potentially prize-winning feat.

Astana's Ballerini came in with Lidl-Trek's Consonni. I'm assuming they were furiously discussing how they'd been mixed up on an internet forum Lanterne Rouge thread the day before.

Cees Bol ceased, withdrawing from the race before the start.

"For those of you following the race that really matters on two tin cans connected by a bit of string, here's the rankings for today's stage:"

The bottom 11 on the top of the Hautacam

Not much movement in the placings, Guillaume was Bovine enough to slip down into the places that matter, at the expense of Sylvan Dillier who forgot to Dallier.

Jordi Meeus made down time on Matteo Vercher and dive-frogged Van Sintmaartensdijk, closing the gap to the bottom by over five minutes.

The bottom ten overall

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

And so to another individual time trial, where the main suspense was whether the cut off was lenient enough given that the podium was almost certainly Pogacar followed by daylight, the start of that stupid Visma helmet, the middle of that stupid Visma helmet, the three extensions in the middle of the Visma helmet built in contravention of planning regulations, and finally somewhere underneath it all Vingegaard himself. It's even worse in the national colours, looking like something more suitable for serving in an Australian Beef Wellington. Australia - where even the food wants you dead (and the tourist agency can have that for free).

ANYWAY, at the other end Vercher's climb to Peyragudes was always going to be burdened by the weight of the nation (which certainly beats the weight of a bike chain dropped subtly down the seat tube in effectiveness). Vercher wisely declined to risk being caught Hors Dali (lit. "Melted like one of those clocks") and finished safely by securely outside the top ten.

Stage honours were taken by Mezgec after a brave piece of soft pedaling, None-more-merle and Elmo's reindeer rounded out the stage podium. Absolutely bugger all happened in the standings as a result - oddly my fault for realising the hotel had a) aircon, b) beer and c) French TV wetting themselves over Kevin Vauquelin, who annoys me for no other reason than his surname sounds a bit like Voeckler to this non-francophone and I'm absolutely done with that crap...

Onwards and (checks parcours) upwards! And downwards! And upwa- you get the idea...

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

(with my apologies for anybody expecting something smarter and funnier. If it's any consolation so was I)

 

[No Ta Doctor]

It's even worse in the national colours, looking like something more suitable for serving in an Australian Beef Wellington. Australia - where even the food wants you dead (and the tourist agency can have that for free).

My sauces tell me Erin Patterson has been shortlisted for the vacant Masterchef host position

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

My sauces tell me Erin Patterson has been shortlisted for the vacant Masterchef host position

Makes a change from the toxic masculinity, for sure

 

[No Ta Doctor]

"For those of you following the Tour in Linear C: for the love of god could you please give us a bloody clue?"
Otherwise
"For those of you following the race on a ZX Spectrum in a hipster cafe in Prague, here's the most important news of the day..."

The stage, a brave ride from Luka who descended from where he lives on the 2nd floor

The underall - absolutely no change in position, someone with more patience than me might to work out if anyone has made progress:

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

And so to what the pundits are already calling the best stage 14 of this year's tour and an unusual amount of lexicographical argument over the Tourmalet. Eventually everybody agreed it's the ancient proto-Gascon for "bad tower" and the ancient Gascons were right - it's just a load of stones piled on top of each other.

In the actual racing Belgian hearts were broken by long term LR prospect Remco Evenopoel climbing off. He's blown up often enough that his talent isn't in question, but today's abandonment suggests he simply doesn't have the stamina or sheer bloodimindedness to win the big one.

Belgian spirits soon soared however, because Jordi Meeus quickly struck back for the land of the crispy fry and took the lead in the under all.

As well as Meeus has ridden, it had to be said that Mattéo Vercher suffered a terrible jour avec. His temper inflamed by an argument about whether Gascon even had the cognate "tur", Vercher veritably sprinted up the hills and abdicated his leading spot. Unlike more mundane competitions there's no advantage in handing over position temporarily because the rounds of interviews, bikini shoots and late night chat show appearances only serve to improve the leader's form. To say nothing of the groupies...

Whether Vercher can fight back from here is unclear - but this volatility is proof that yet again the Lanterne is the most competitive title within the Tour.

 

[No Ta Doctor]

"So for those of you receiving this by Morse code in a south Atlantic gale"

Stage 14.

The bottom somethingorother

The underall

Ballerini is back, baby (and he's still not Consonni)
It's at the expense of Bovine Guillaume, who I'm led to believe is the Canadian version of Buffalo Bill

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

You felt like you ought to laugh, but seeing the Frenchman completely confused about what was going on and being publicly all over-excited was embarrassingly awkward more than anything else. No, not Alaphilippe - I'm talking about the continued collapse of Mattéo Vercher.

I don't know what he's done to upset his DM, but another day of greater than minimal effort sees him drop out of the top ten altogether. It's surely the most embarrassing thing to happen in French sport since, er, their women somehow getting their arses handed to them by a ten-player German side last night.

A large autobus rolled in with the usual suspects and anyone who has played Carcassonne before knows that once the field is complete the little people get to lie down for a while and do absolutely sod all. And happily that's exactly what's happening - tomorrow is another rest day.

I'll now let my glamorous assistant don the sparkly bikini of fan service and post the actual standings (hint hint)...

 

[No Ta Doctor]

*Shuffles uncomfortably onstage*
*Attempts to extract thong from crack*
*Wishes he'd taken account of his moobs having recently grown to somehwere near a D cup*
*Pops nipple back in*

"For those of you expecting more copy paste of Rogue's pithy lines from 2016 when he was first conned into covering the thread while I was on holiday, disappointment, I've run out. Here are the standings"

Slackness on te stage:
Nearly 60 riders, with the exception of Mattéo Vercher and Sébastien Grignard, who both disappeared from the top ten having failed to make the cut

Slackness all race long:
Luka can't bloody decide what floor he lives on, he's up and down the bloody stairs all race long, but he's in te bottom ten again.
Phil Bauhaus also makes the drop. He has long been tipped for a run at the Lanterne, but has never managed to finish a tour yet

 

[ddraver]

Alas the weeping of french housewives... 😢

 

[No Ta Doctor]

Here on the rest day, I think it's probably a good point to take a minute to reflect on the position and time gaps here.
We have no fewer than six contenders within 5 minutes of the bottom spot, and the bottom ten are all within 10 and half minutes or so, the bottom twenty inside 15ish minutes.

This is unprecedentedly close. By this point we would normally expect to see ten minutes separating the bottom four or five, and often even between last and second last. This might not be settled until Paris.

 

[Pblakeney]

I expect there to be a bunch sprint finish, although there may be some unfortunate contenders who’s DSs demand them to be sacrificial domestiques.