This was an excellent OP. I didn't read it all, but who am I to criticise the verbose? One or two users of these pages have suggested in the past that I use up huge chunks of the Internet either diplaying passive-aggressive tendencies, sitting on the fence or failing completely to make an intelligible point. But I digress...
I take issue slightly with the thread title, as in the final paragraph Matthew assetrts that it was 'one of the worst' customer experiences he'd had. Whilst I accept that the worst is (by definition) also one of the worst, the popular understanding of the common use of 'one of the worst' is that the experience, performance or service in question did not win the gold.
I have some advice for Matthew: Don't order pizza. Make a pasta supper. You will enjoy it more, it will cost less and it will taste better.
Pizzas can be cooked at home, but the dining experience can be disappointing unless you have an Aga or a pizza oven.
Try this pasta dish (the first one I taught my children to make):
150g dried pasta per person
1 egg
2 rashers of bacon per person
2 or 3 small muchrooms per person, chopped.
50ml of any cream you have lying around
Grated cheese to taste (parmesan, cheddar, anything that grates)
Ground black pepper and some nutmeg.
Lettuce, tomato, chives, dressing etc to make a nice side salad.
Put dried pasta into a good quantity of boiling water and once it is back to the boil, set the timer for 11 minutes.
While the pasta is cooking, chop the bacon and fry it in whatever you like frying in, bearing in mind that it makes its own fat. i use a tiny dab of butter.. Mmmm...
Once the bacon has gone pale, add the mushrooms. Grate a little nutmeg onto it. Let it all fry gently for 3-4 minutes, then add the cream. Just let it gurgle away over a gentle heat until the pasta is done. Put some music on or do a crossword while waiting.
When the pasta is done drain it, return it to the pan and immediately break the egg into it and swizzle it around to glaze the pasta. The raw egg is the secret ingredient. Mmmm....
Now add the sauce, season to taste, mix it all up and add some grated cheese.
Serve with a side salad and watch 'Das Boot', 'Subway', 'Diva' or some other excellent foreign film and be sure to eat up all your salad or you'll never grow up big and strong. As foreign films go, 'Goodby Lenin' is also worth the trouble. Similarly 'Nicija Zemlja' by Danis Tanovic, (No-Man's Land in the UK).
Once it's over, if you ever, ever, ever consider phoning out for a pizza again, there is no hope for you or your immortal soul.
After this one, try anoyther pasta sauce, then another, then another. Learn a new sauce each time you cook pasta. You will enjoy food more and you will gain more from the experience of cooking it. See also the kitchen scene from 'Goodfellas'.
You will be in heaven and Domino pizza can go and enjoy a flying fornicatory act with the Moon.
End.