True Facts About Chris Rea

[Ming the Merciless]

The reason dogs are such a popular dish in China is because Chris Rea ate all the cats.

Actually that was down to the nuances of the Turdis universal translator that kept translating Chris’ requests as “I want some cats”.

 

[Drago]

There's a sticking in the rear window of Chris Rea's Allegro 1500L.

"A dog is not just for Christmas, as they say in China. With any luck there'll be some left over for boxing day lunch,"

 

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea's Allegro 1500L.

Nonsense, he has the 1750HL, in Cardinal Red.

 

[DRM]

Nonsense, he has the 1750HL, in Cardinal Red.

It’s not just a 1750, it’s the Vanden Plas model, and he employs Vic Reeves as a chauffeur

 

[Drago]

Being the off road fan thet he is, Chris Rea has fot a snorkel to the TURDIS.

 

[grldtnr]

And he wears frogmans Scuba flippers ,when shopping at Asda, complete with Snorkel, helps him delve deep in the freezer section.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea invented potato waffles when his chip supper slipped off the TURDIS console and into the Auberge Reactor core.

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c3rwv9j74q9o
Chris Rea has reappeared after his latest Time Travel fiasco over the Coca Cola production facility, in Ghent, Belgium, in another geographical cock up, unfortunatly a small auberge field hiccup caused the water supply used to make the drink, turn into a chlorate, Coca Cola have announced a recall on the drink, whilst Belgian Police are trying to get their heads around reports of a flying plastic toilet, that mysteriously appeared, made a loud bang, followed by an English voice shouting "Oh for f*%!s sake, not again" before vanishing in the blink of an eye, investigations have so far proved that the witnesses in the smoking shelter had only been vaping/smoking tobacco, not wacky baccy, the investigation continues, despite a lack of evidence

 

[Drago]

During the Covid crisis Boris Johnson was approached by Chris Rea who had a plan to use the TURDIS to transport a company of Royal Marines to raid the plant in Holland where the British bought covid vaccine was being held hostage.

Unfortunately Rea failed the commando course when his beard became entangled in the breech of a KS1 rifle and the raid was called off.

 

[grldtnr]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c3rwv9j74q9o
Chris Rea has reappeared after his latest Time Travel fiasco over the Coca Cola production facility, in Ghent, Belgium, in another geographical cock up, unfortunatly a small auberge field hiccup caused the water supply used to make the drink, turn into a chlorate, Coca Cola have announced a recall on the drink, whilst Belgian Police are trying to get their heads around reports of a flying plastic toilet, that mysteriously appeared, made a loud bang, followed by an English voice shouting "Oh for f*%!s sake, not again" before vanishing in the blink of an eye, investigations have so far proved that the witnesses in the smoking shelter had only been vaping/smoking tobacco, not wacky baccy, the investigation continues, despite a lack of evidence

Chris is over 80, I think it's time for him to hand the keys over for the TURDIS, he doesn't have to , as theres no DVSA Jurisdiction over time travel, but he is now subject to more regular driving licence checks, perhaps that's why he sold on his electric mini .but this constant cockups with the TURDIS might make authority, check his MOT , HE can't operate the TURDIS in Germany or Netherlands, and it's very likely Belgium might put a 'Denver'boot on the Porta Potty.
Ironic really as there's absolutely no proof he was responsible for John Denver's death, ....or so Chris says......if you believe him.....

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea removed the MAGA bumper sticker from the TURDIS after someone put the windows in.

On a completely unrelated note, Kamala Harris is after a replacement housebrick to keep in her hand bag.

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea is one of the biggest bootleggers in the history of the U.S, he orders booze from a local wholesaler, loads it in to the Time Transit, then heads for the 1920's, the income which he has invested carefully to avoid the 1929 crash, pays for much of his time travel engineering work, he knows he's playing a dodgy game as both Al Capone & Elliot Ness want "A Word" with him, he has recently discovered that Guinness is very popular with Irish immigrants to the U.S, and is a nice little earner, hence the reason Guinness has been difficult to source recently, and the Brewery in Dublin can't make it fast enough to keep up with demand in 1920's America

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea invented Guinness when he discovered that the cans of Red Stripe in the TURDIS refrigerator turned a funny colour when exposed to Auberge Radiation.

The Guinness name and company history is fictitious, a tale made up by Rea to legitimise the product in the eyes of consumers. Rea chose the name Guinness in honour of his favorite actor, Laurence Olivier.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea has announced Deep Rea, an AI system that runs on his Casio calculator. In a press conference in the luxurious Redcar scout hut he demonstrated its capabilities. The finale was when he typed in 5318008. "Look, if you turn it upside down it says boobies".

This breakthrough was made with limited investment in specialist chips. Chris says "I did need some chips, but I had a saveloy with them instead of a pie, which saved a few bob"

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea taught Patrick Moore to play the xylophone.

Sadly Moore couldn't afford a xylophone himself so they used Kate Moss' ribcage.