Uncle Drago's agony column

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I've just had a very nice letter from those nice people from Linwood in the Hillman Imp Owners Club.

They say they will help us escape the clutches of the Acclaim Owners Club if I pay them protection money.

The cost will be a six pack of Tennent's Lager and a Tunnock's Tea Cake every week.

Is this something I should get involved in?

Yours sincerely,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Augment,

They probably want the beer as coolant for their overheating engines. Id be inclined to stay put - many a Hillman Imp getaway has fallen apart while waiting for the AA.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

The good news is that the police released us without charge.

Unfortunately, while my Acclaim was in police care, the armed response unit had mistaken my car for some old banger they were to use as target practice. It is now full of holes. What to do? The police agreed to give me 87p as compensation, so not too bad

The bad news is that the woman up the road has been kidnapped by the Morris Marina owners club. I've just had a ransom letter requesting a payment of two industrial sized tins of Isopon, fives gallons of 20w50 and ten tartan rugs before they will release her. They also included a tape of her speaking as proof. It was difficult to make out what she was saying as I could hear a tappety A-series running in the background.

What should I do?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Australian,

87p! Not bad at all! That puts you firmly in Yugo territory, albeit only the 45.

The abduction is an interesting and unforseen development. Perhaps it might be worth you asking them how much they would pay you to,take her back?

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Drago,

The good news is that the police released us without charge.

Unfortunately, while my Acclaim was in police care, the armed response unit had mistaken my car for some old banger they were to use as target practice. It is now full of holes. What to do? The police agreed to give me 87p as compensation, so not too bad

The bad news is that the woman up the road has been kidnapped by the Morris Marina owners club. I've just had a ransom letter requesting a payment of two industrial sized tins of Isopon, fives gallons of 20w50 and ten tartan rugs before they will release her. They also included a tape of her speaking as proof. It was difficult to make out what she was saying as I could hear a tappety A-series running in the background.

What should I do?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

I would suggest hat the spacers on the tappets might be worn - you may need to adjust them

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

The good news is that that woman up the road has escaped. She fought her way out with an ice cream scoop as a weapon and gave them the slip.

I decided to go upmarket and go for something flash and exciting, so I have bought a lovely Daihatsu Applause. It's really something special and has a coin holder and two trip counters as well. I'm sure that woman up the road will be really impressed when she sees it.

I was going to go around to see her this evening, and decided I could make a great impression by showing what a great musician I am. Unfortunately, the cat attacked my bagpipes and now they are punctured. How can you repair bagpipes?

Also, what time would you recommend to make a dramatic entrance?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago,

The good news is that that woman up the road has escaped. She fought her way out with an ice cream scoop as a weapon and gave them the slip.

I decided to go upmarket and go for something flash and exciting, so I have bought a lovely Daihatsu Applause. It's really something special and has a coin holder and two trip counters as well. I'm sure that woman up the road will be really impressed when she sees it.

I was going to go around to see her this evening, and decided I could make a great impression by showing what a great musician I am. Unfortunately, the cat attacked my bagpipes and now they are punctured. How can you repair bagpipes?

Also, what time would you recommend to make a dramatic entrance?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Aubrey

You'll be pleased to hear that you can get the bagpipes repaired. However, in the meantime avoid taking the cat anywhere near that "women up the road", to avoid any confusion.

 

[Drago]

Dear Audi,

Can you please clarify that "bagpipes" is not a euphemism for " scrotum"? Particularly as local rumours are that the veins on yours form a tartan pattern. As I'm sure youll undersrand, the advice I shall give will differ considerably between the two!

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

It was actual bagpipes. It's okay now. I got the local tyre centre to put a patch on them.

So I drove around to that woman up the road's house with the intention of impressing her with my Amazing Grace. I had given my beautiful Daihatsu Applause a nice polish with Mr. Sheen.

Unfortunately, I accidentally closed my kilt in the car door and didn't notice. When I walked up the garden, I tore my kilt off and ended up being arrested for indecent exposure. I find myself back in a cell again.

How can I explain this unfortunate mishap and get out of jail? They've also confiscated my bag pipes and won't give them back. Are they allowed to do that?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Audacity,

I saw this in the local chipwrapper. How unfortunate that you just happened to be outside the local girls only sixth form when this happened.

I think your biggest problem is yet to appear. There you are im a cell with Bubba, kiltless, and it's lights out in 5 minutes. The good news is Bubba has a wedding dress you can wear for his pleasure to hide your modesty.

Alas, I dont think youll be getting bagpipes back. I see the dibble have already listed them on Ebay as a novelty Scottish toy octopus. Best you can hope for is to win the auction wnd leave them negative feedback.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I managed to get off with the charge, but the judge made me sign something stating that I'd never play bagpipes ever again. I think this is a touch unfair, but at least I am a free man.

I was wondering what other musical instrument I could take up. Would a saxophone be a good idea?

Anyway, everything was going well with that woman up the road and I had under my spell by wining and dining her with fabulous vintage Yugoslavian red wine and finest Pot Noodles and Birds Angels Delight from that guy at the backbone of the market with the rusty Hi-Ace.

Unfortunately I think I might have blown it with a bunch of flowers that I gave her. I hadn't noticed the card in them that read "In loving memory of our beloved grandfather from Jim and Sonya." Now she will know I had been giving her flowers from the graveyard.

How can I explain this and make it up to her?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Audrey,

I've have sought advice around town as to what instrument would suit you. I stopped by a place called the Blue Oyster Club. It looks a bit rough, full of dodgy looking sorts in leather and chains, but they turned out to be very friendly fellows. I showed them that picture of you in the leotard and they suggested the pink oboe would be ideal for you. I must confess id nefer heard of it, but if you pop along the gang would happily bang a few lessons out for you.

As for your flower dilemma, that's easy. Just blame it on an obvious mix up at the florist. Just think, some poor soul is about to bury their grandfather and will be throwing in a wreath with a card instructing them to " get 'em off, you've scored."

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I managed to get off with the charge, but the judge made me sign something stating that I'd never play bagpipes ever again. I think this is a touch unfair, but at least I am a free man.

I was wondering what other musical instrument I could take up. Would a saxophone be a good idea?

Anyway, everything was going well with that woman up the road and I had under my spell by wining and dining her with fabulous vintage Yugoslavian red wine and finest Pot Noodles and Birds Angels Delight from that guy at the backbone of the market with the rusty Hi-Ace.

Unfortunately I think I might have blown it with a bunch of flowers that I gave her. I hadn't noticed the card in them that read "In loving memory of our beloved grandfather from Jim and Sonya." Now she will know I had been giving her flowers from the graveyard.

How can I explain this and make it up to her?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Aubrey

Have you considered taking up the Uilleann Pipes?
You never signed anything saying you'd not try playing them.

Yours
Helpful

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I have decided to take up the French horn. I was sitting on the doorstep practicing and the neighbour threw and apple and hit me on the head. I think this is outrageous.

The good news is that I managed to smooth it over with that woman up the road and we went out for a drive in my Daihatsu Applause. I even prepared a picnic with corned beef sandwiches.

We were cruising along and all was going well until the stereo decided to chew up my favourite Showaddywaddy tape. I was just trying to rescue it from the machine and I was distracted and never noticed the speed ramp. I hit it a bit too hard and we were launched into the air.

By sheer bad luck, there happened to be an army convoy coming in the opposite direction and we landed on top of an army Land Rover.

Now we've been arrested on some stupid terrorism charge. My Daihatsu and my Showaddywaddy tape are ruined and we are waiting to be interviewed by someone called Captain Mainwaring.

How can I get out of this mess and repair my tape and my beloved car?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[classic33]

Dear Deidre.
Please help me. My sexy 20 year old neighbour was sunbathing the other day. I took the chance to peek out of our bathroom window and have a cheeky glance. As I turned around and my wife was standing there arms folded watching me.

Is my wife a peeping tom?

Yours Sincerely
Bashful.