Uncle Drago's agony column

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I've just had a very nice letter from those nice people from Linwood in the Hillman Imp Owners Club.

They say they will help us escape the clutches of the Acclaim Owners Club if I pay them protection money.

The cost will be a six pack of Tennent's Lager and a Tunnock's Tea Cake every week.

Is this something I should get involved in?

Yours sincerely,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Augment,

They probably want the beer as coolant for their overheating engines. Id be inclined to stay put - many a Hillman Imp getaway has fallen apart while waiting for the AA.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

The good news is that the police released us without charge.

Unfortunately, while my Acclaim was in police care, the armed response unit had mistaken my car for some old banger they were to use as target practice. It is now full of holes. What to do? The police agreed to give me 87p as compensation, so not too bad

The bad news is that the woman up the road has been kidnapped by the Morris Marina owners club. I've just had a ransom letter requesting a payment of two industrial sized tins of Isopon, fives gallons of 20w50 and ten tartan rugs before they will release her. They also included a tape of her speaking as proof. It was difficult to make out what she was saying as I could hear a tappety A-series running in the background.

What should I do?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Australian,

87p! Not bad at all! That puts you firmly in Yugo territory, albeit only the 45.

The abduction is an interesting and unforseen development. Perhaps it might be worth you asking them how much they would pay you to,take her back?

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Drago,

The good news is that the police released us without charge.

Unfortunately, while my Acclaim was in police care, the armed response unit had mistaken my car for some old banger they were to use as target practice. It is now full of holes. What to do? The police agreed to give me 87p as compensation, so not too bad

The bad news is that the woman up the road has been kidnapped by the Morris Marina owners club. I've just had a ransom letter requesting a payment of two industrial sized tins of Isopon, fives gallons of 20w50 and ten tartan rugs before they will release her. They also included a tape of her speaking as proof. It was difficult to make out what she was saying as I could hear a tappety A-series running in the background.

What should I do?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

I would suggest hat the spacers on the tappets might be worn - you may need to adjust them

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

The good news is that that woman up the road has escaped. She fought her way out with an ice cream scoop as a weapon and gave them the slip.

I decided to go upmarket and go for something flash and exciting, so I have bought a lovely Daihatsu Applause. It's really something special and has a coin holder and two trip counters as well. I'm sure that woman up the road will be really impressed when she sees it.

I was going to go around to see her this evening, and decided I could make a great impression by showing what a great musician I am. Unfortunately, the cat attacked my bagpipes and now they are punctured. How can you repair bagpipes?

Also, what time would you recommend to make a dramatic entrance?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago,

The good news is that that woman up the road has escaped. She fought her way out with an ice cream scoop as a weapon and gave them the slip.

I decided to go upmarket and go for something flash and exciting, so I have bought a lovely Daihatsu Applause. It's really something special and has a coin holder and two trip counters as well. I'm sure that woman up the road will be really impressed when she sees it.

I was going to go around to see her this evening, and decided I could make a great impression by showing what a great musician I am. Unfortunately, the cat attacked my bagpipes and now they are punctured. How can you repair bagpipes?

Also, what time would you recommend to make a dramatic entrance?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Aubrey

You'll be pleased to hear that you can get the bagpipes repaired. However, in the meantime avoid taking the cat anywhere near that "women up the road", to avoid any confusion.

 

[Drago]

Dear Audi,

Can you please clarify that "bagpipes" is not a euphemism for " scrotum"? Particularly as local rumours are that the veins on yours form a tartan pattern. As I'm sure youll undersrand, the advice I shall give will differ considerably between the two!