Uncle Drago's agony column

[derrick]

Dear Mavis,

Your toadying is of the highest quality. I like that.

Avail yourself of a Last of the Summer Wine annual, 1987 edition. If that full frontal centrefold of Thora Hird get your juices flowing then there is no hope for you.

Be warmed. Under no circumstances should you try and prise off the strategically played staples. The excitement may well be too much for someone of your tender disposition.

Nora Batty might be a better option.

 

[Drago]

Nora Batty might be a better option.

Steady on. We don't want to give the old boy a coronary!

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Steady on. We don't want to give the old boy a coronary!

....or a stroke.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Drago

I've always thought that all my brain and body needs is sex and drugs and rock n' roll. Very good indeed.

When I last penned letter to your goodself, you told me every bit of clothing ought to make you pretty, and that grey is such a pity. You mentioned that I should wear the clothing of a Mr Accy, and to see your tailor, he's called Simon.

Now then, here's a little bit of advice for you me ol' cocker. You're quite welcome, it is free.

Don't do nothing that is cut price. You know what that will make you be....

Anyway, Bassman Drago, what do you think of me all consuming focus on sex and drugs and rock n' roll?

Blockhead Tosh

 

[lazybloke]

Dear Drago,
You've been so busy giving advice to others, but you should look after yourself too; have you shown your 'agony column' to a doctor yet? He might prescribe something helpful.

Yours,
A Quack

 

[Drago]

Dear Nick Riviera,

I went to see the doctor.

She walked up to me
And really stole my heart
And then she started
To take my body apart

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago

I've always thought that all my brain and body needs is sex and drugs and rock n' roll. Very good indeed.

When I last penned letter to your goodself, you told me every bit of clothing ought to make you pretty, and that grey is such a pity. You mentioned that I should wear the clothing of a Mr Accy, and to see your tailor, he's called Simon.

Now then, here's a little bit of advice for you me ol' cocker. You're quite welcome, it is free.

Don't do nothing that is cut price. You know what that will make you be....

Anyway, Bassman Drago, what do you think of me all consuming focus on sex and drugs and rock n' roll?

Blockhead Tosh

Dear Nosh,

You need someone to hit you with their rhythm stick. Slowly or quick, doesn't matter.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Nosh,

You need someone to hit you with their rhythm stick. Slowly or quick, doesn't matter.

Thanks for that, Drags me ol' son, certainly gives me a reason to be cheerful.

 

[classic33]

Dear Nosh,

You need someone to hit you with their rhythm stick. Slowly or quick, doesn't matter.

Just so long as they hit him.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Just so long as they hit him.

In the dark of Tiger Bay, or on the road to Mandalay?

 

[classic33]

In the dark of Tiger Bay, or on the road to Mandalay?

I'd go with whichever is over the hills and far away.
No-one else would witness it happening.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Once again I find myself looking to you for pearls of wisdom.
Again (yes again) I have woman problems. This one is much younger at only 92 years old AND she doesn't need a wheelchair.
Anyway I decided to try and have my wicked way with her. She panicked, went home and told her Dad.
Next day her Dad called at my house and threatened me.....claimed I was taking advantage of her. Says I must marry her or stay away.
What advice can you offer me?

 

[Drago]

Dear Andy,

I have looked into your problem, and it seems events have progressed since your letter.

I have obtained CCTV footage of the fight you have had with this young lady's Father.

View: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tl2q3lezcFs&pp=ygUaSGVyYmVydCBwZXJ2ZXJ0IGZpZ2h0IGhhbnM%3D

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I spent all my working life at sea and after retirement, I ended up sharing a flat with my two nephews. I got a bit bored with life as a land lubber and my nephews weren't always nice to me.

I recently made the decision to go back to sea. Last night, I was on lookout and we bumped into a bridge. I didn't see it. My eyes are old now and you'd think they'd paint these things in hi Vis yellow.

How do I explain this to my boss? As an old war hero with a distinguished naval career, this is a bit embarrassing.

Yours faithfully,
Albert Gladstone Trotter,
Nelson Mandela Hse.
Peckham.

 

[Drago]

Dear Seaman Staines,

In my day wed either pretend we'd had a medical episode, or blame the cabin boy.

Of course, Roger the cabin boy was too busy being rogered at the time so he's in the clear.

That being the case you'll have to feign a stroke and act out the symptoms for the rest of your life to maintain the subterfuge. There's no other way.