Uncle Drago's agony column

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Unklet Dragorge

I think therefore I am.

However, what if I stop thinking?

Tosh Descartes

 

[Drago]

Dear Nosh,

You'll disappear up your own bottom and become a brown hole. It's like a black hole, but it's starfish shaped and repels matter.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Nosh,

You'll disappear up your own bottom and become a brown hole. It's like a black hole, but it's starfish shaped and repels matter.

Brilliant, thanks, Uncle Drago. You always get to the bottom of things.

 

[Drago]

I'm always happy to have a crack at people's problems. It'd be cheeky if an agony uncle didn't.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I have a problem with my self esteem.
I visited my Doctor..... a lovely young lady. My problem was a pimple on my willy.
She asked me to show it to her so I did so. She exclaimed "wow, I've never seen such a big one".
I felt flattered and thanked her for the compliment. She said "I was talking about the pimple"......then proceeded to lance it.
So my pride and self esteem is at an all time low.
How do you suggest I go about building it up again?

 

[Drago]

Dear Mavis,

An unusual problem. A sex change procedure is probably the only way out, have the old chap turned inside out.

If you can't afford it then next best thing is to wear a dress, slap on so e lippy, and run as parliamentary candidate for Brighton. People will still laugh, but at least it won't be at your winky.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Drago

I can't believe it! Yet again, they are going to put the clocks forward shortly, and I'm going to lose an hour, AN HOUR! of my life.

And then, ..... and then, I've been told, that, as happens every flipping year, I've got to wait six months, SIX MONTHS, until this is returned to me!

What can I do about this awful predicament they are putting me in?

Vicky Meldrew.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago

I can't believe it! Yet again, they are going to put the clocks forward shortly, and I'm going to lose an hour, AN HOUR! of my life.

And then, ..... and then, I've been told, that, as happens every flipping year, I've got to wait six months, SIX MONTHS, until this is returned to me!

What can I do about this awful predicament they are putting me in?

Vicky Meldrew.

Dear Victor,

Might I say that I'm a huge fan of your work, railing against injustice and righting social wrongs.

Of course, losing an hour of your life pushes you closer to the grave in which you already have one foot. Probably best to just go along with it, but make sure you sheet your trousers as you go to give a final two fingers to the world that has treated you so shabbily.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Victor,

Might I say that I'm a huge fan of your work, railing against injustice and righting social wrongs.

Of course, losing an hour of your life pushes you closer to the grave in which you already have one foot. Probably best to just go along with it, but make sure you sheet your trousers as you go to give a final two fingers to the world that has treated you so shabbily.

I don't believe it, that's exactly my thoughts.

 

[Drago]

I don't believe it, that's exactly my thoughts.

What in the name of bloody hell...?

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have a problem with one of my team. I want to sack him, but I am not sure how it will affect the others. I like my people to express their individuality, but they have to remember they are part of a team. He wears scarlet while everyone else wears green. It is not just the affectation, annoying enough though that is, but it endangers the whole group. Some of the others have their quirks. One draws attention to himself through his height, but he can hardly be blamed for that. Another continues to wear a cassock and to tonsure his head. I can tolerate that as I can understand it is difficult for him to abandon his former calling, and sometimes the disguise is useful. I regard myself as an easy-going leader, more a primus inter pares, but this wearing scarlet to be different gets up my nose.

 

[Drago]

Dear Toto Wolff,

Fear not, your strangely dressed whingebucket is planning to leave you at the end of the year.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I got pulled over for cruising through town at 33MPH in my Reliant Rialto.

The policeman said "Who do we think we are, Sir, Nigel Mansell?"

The shame and the embarrassment!

How can I ever recover from being mistaken for that old has-been? I've won more than him!

Yours faithfully,
Mr. L. Hamilton

 

[MidnightRider]

Dear Sir,
I seem to have upset my neighbour. I paid them a compliment on their dedication, as I see them out jogging most mornings which I admire as I am too lazy to do most sporty things. However they were very upset, saying very pointedly "Joggers just jog, I am a Runner - runners Achieve!"
Now they ignore me if they see me and we used to chat

Sad and bemused.

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I got pulled over for cruising through town at 33MPH in my Reliant Rialto.

The policeman said "Who do we think we are, Sir, Nigel Mansell?"

The shame and the embarrassment!

How can I ever recover from being mistaken for that old has-been? I've won more than him!

Yours faithfully,
Mr. L. Hamilton

Dear Whingebag,

Stop whinging, you scruffy whingebucket.

Dear Sir,
I seem to have upset my neighbour. I paid them a compliment on their dedication, as I see them out jogging most mornings which I admire as I am too lazy to do most sporty things. However they were very upset, saying very pointedly "Joggers just jog, I am a Runner - runners Achieve!"
Now they ignore me if they see me and we used to chat

Sad and bemused.

Dear Michael Knight,

Your neighbour, one Mr M. Farah of the parish, has a point.

Have you considered getting a job as an immigration officer? That way you can run together, with you causing him while rattling some handcuffs. Nothing brings people closer together than such shared experiences.