Uncle Drago's agony column

[Landsurfer]

Dear Drago ..
I have a love issue…
I‘m in love with a woman.. sorry Woman …
Proper Woman … “ Soft Tissues” .. no winkie ..
She is rude to me .. scathing at times … at other times she proffers unbridled contempt… unless I give in to her sexual needs …
I always give in ……
She insists we have only one bank account .. shared money … but has her own bank account … alledgly..
She buys me things to take me away from her … Bicycles, tickets to the IOM TT … And …… holidays in Spain and Turkey … and she insists on coming with me ….
This has been going on for over 35 years ….

Am I being used ?

 

[Drago]

Dear Landyacht,

You might want to check very carefully. Verr carefully. Women can have winkies these days. If your woman lives in a broom closet with a gopher called Gordon then it might be time to dump her.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

After all these years, we still can't work out what the merry hell a zig-a-zig-ah is.

Can you help?

Thanks a mil,
The Spice Girls

 

[Drago]

Dear Spike Gals,

The zig zags are the places outside schools for you to park you Range Rovers on.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I have a date tonight but I have a rather embarrassing problem.

I was servicing my 1970 Raleigh Sports today in the nude and unfortunately, my private parts got caught in the chain which was painful.

I was able to successfully untangle from the chain but I was covered in oil from the chain

I decided to wash it in Swarfega, which did remove the oil. Unfortunately, it also left my Willie covered in red blotches

Obviously, this is not a good for what happens after tonight's date.

What do you suggest I do.

Yours faithfully,
Cecil

 

[Drago]

Dear Cedric,

It is quite common for women to get their winkies all greasy. Might I recommend a wire brush lubricated with white spirit to get the worst of it off, then a final wipe down with lemon juice to cleanse the deeper scratches this leaves. Before you know it you'll be clean enough to make even JK Rowling proud to share a changing room with you.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Drago

When I wrote to you before, you advised that confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur.

However, it's got nothing to do with your Vorsprung durch Tehcnick, you know?

So Drags, I've decided to feed the pigeons, I sometimes feed the sparrows too, it gives me an enormous sense of well-being.

Do you think I'm simply living my life in a blur?

Britpop Tosh

Dear Uncle Drago

I'm still going round and round and round like one of those bl**dy joggers, awaiting the pearls of wisdom from your greatness....

Blurette

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago

I'm still going round and round and round like one of those bl**dy joggers, awaiting the pearls of wisdom from your greatness....

Blurette

Dear Borat,

Round and round and round you go, where you stop no one knows.

Probably best to feign having a heart attack and pray that Schofield doesn't try to give you CPR.

 

[Dave7]

Uncle Drago.
It upsets me and makes me quite emotional when you refer to Philip Schofield as you do as he is one of my heroes that I look up to. Him, along with Jimmy Saville and Stuart Hall.
Is my thinking a bit bent or could you be a bit sweeter when you refer to him ?

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I run a really respectable second-hand car dealership. I've always been 100% above board and done everything by the book.

For some reason, I have gained a bad reputation. I don't understand it myself, but what can I do to improve the image of my business and improve sales?

Yours faithfully,
A. Daly
C/O The Winchester Club.

 

[Drago]

Dear Albert,

Used car dealers do have a bad rep. Perhaps a move into gun running or heroin distribution will improve your standing among your peers.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have this recurring dream. I am running down a corridor with no trousers on. My legs feel like I am running through quicksand. Then I wake up and find I have been sleepwalking through the halls of residence again.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have this recurring dream. I am running down a corridor with no trousers on. My legs feel like I am running through quicksand. Then I wake up and find I have been sleepwalking through the halls of residence again.

Dear Schofield,

I keep telling you that old excuse won't wash with the magistrate.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Drago

I need your advice. A good friend of us here at Cyclechat Collective, seems to have a very unhealthy obsession, nay fetish, for Philip Schofield.

Do you think he should go cold turkey and date Holly Willoughby?

BBC Controller of Smut.

 

[Drago]

Dear filth merchant,

You are welcome to date Holly Willoughby, the woman that turned the Scofe towards men.

I'm saving myself for Gemma from Find It, Fix It, Flog it.