Uncle Drago's agony column

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Drago Lover Boy

Methinks you doth protest too much.

Philly boy is not for you, and Gemma has already flogged it. Holly awaits your call big boy.

Former BBC Smut Controller

 

[Drago]

Dear Filth Peddler,

I guess Holly it is then. The sacrifices I make for my loyal readers, eh?

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I work as a window cleaner to earn an honest bob, and if I'm honest, I absolutely hate it. I work hard, but I have to climb the blinkin' ladder to reach the top.

I used to enjoy spying on the honeymooning couples when I was up my ladder. It was the only thing that made the job worthwhile but then the police had words with me and I had to stop doing that. Now the fun has gone out of it and I can't be bothered any more.

I keep hoping the old maid will pull me in and lock the door and spice up my life a bit but it never happens.

I think maybe it's time for a career change. What would you recommend?

Yours faithfully,
George Formby

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I work as a window cleaner to earn an honest bob, and if I'm honest, I absolutely hate it. I work hard, but I have to climb the blinkin' ladder to reach the top.

I used to enjoy spying on the honeymooning couples when I was up my ladder. It was the only thing that made the job worthwhile but then the police had words with me and I had to stop doing that. Now the fun has gone out of it and I can't be bothered any more.

I keep hoping the old maid will pull me in and lock the door and spice up my life a bit but it never happens.

I think maybe it's time for a career change. What would you recommend?

Yours faithfully,
George Formby

Dear Fumbly,

So you want a new career while gives you the opportunity to continue your voyeuristic hobby?

Then might I suggest a job as Russell Brand's butler?

Or if bondage and whiplash are your thing then perhaps as a Conservative MP?

And if you like 'em young then a job on the production team of ITVs This Morning show would suit you well 👌

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I felt the need to tidy up my overgrown back garden this morning.

It was quite chilly so I put on my long, dark-coloured overcoat and pulled up the hood.

I was just standing there, sharpening my scythe when the elderly lady next door came out and looked over the fence. She saw me, screamed and then keeled over.

I feel guilty as I think she got a fright as she thought I was the grim reaper.

How can I get over my feelings of guilt? Could I have done anything differently?

Yours faithfully,
Eric

 

[Drago]

Dear Ernie,

You fool. Of course you could have done something different. You should have had her purse away before you legged it.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Ernie,

You fool. Of course you could have done something different. You should have had her purse away before you legged it.

Well - that could have been worse - or maybe my mind works in mysterious ways!!!

 

[MidnightRider]

I have realised my goldfish has a memory of more than 2 minutes duration. Should I cover his tank at appropriate times, in case he gets PTSD?

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Drago

Philly Boy Schofield has been in touch, as he knows I am forever writing to you. He would really like to meet up with you.

Is it OK if I give him your contact details, inside leg measurement and eye colour?

Yours, as ever,

Holly W

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have always liked Lily James. She always seemed more grounded than other Hollywood stars. Maybe more capable of staying faithful for more than five minutes. I see she is currently single. She is in her mid 30s, so not quite as hot as she was. Maybe I stand a chance. Should I chance my arm and write a letter to her explaining my feelings?

Yours lovelorn
Y F

 

[Drago]

I have realised my goldfish has a memory of more than 2 minutes duration. Should I cover his tank at appropriate times, in case he gets PTSD?

Yes. It's best that he doesn't get to watch a party political broadcast by accident.

Dear Uncle Drago

Philly Boy Schofield has been in touch, as he knows I am forever writing to you. He would really like to meet up with you.

Is it OK if I give him your contact details, inside leg measurement and eye colour?

Yours, as ever,

Holly W

Dear Dolly,

Unkie Drago no live here no more. He move long way way. He say he no want his farts to become silent.

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have always liked Lily James. She always seemed more grounded than other Hollywood stars. Maybe more capable of staying faithful for more than five minutes. I see she is currently single. She is in her mid 30s, so not quite as hot as she was. Maybe I stand a chance. Should I chance my arm and write a letter to her explaining my feelings?

Yours lovelorn
Y F

Dear no hoper valued reader of my column,

I'm not sure you're in with a chance, but if she's still here in the morning I'll ask her over breakfast for you.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I am terribley upset. My dog is dead. He had been with me for years and even saved me from drowning once.

Now old Shep is gone and never again will we roam the plains and the meadows. How will I ever get over it?

Do you think dogs go to heaven?

I'm lonesome tonight,
Elvis P.
Memphis

 

[classic33]

Dear Drago,

I am terribley upset. My dog is dead. He had been with me for years and even saved me from drowning once.

Now old Shep is gone and never again will we roam the plains and the meadows. How will I ever get over it?

Do you think dogs go to heaven?

I'm lonesome tonight,
Elvis P.
Memphis

Dear Lonesome Night

I'm a little unsure as to how to word this, but it's been proven that dogs don't lose 21 gram's in weight upon death. This means that they have no soul. And as everyone knows you need a soul to get into heaven.

As a result of this, Old Shep will not be getting past the pearly gates.

Yours
J. Reeves

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

21 grammes???
is that what a soul weighs??

WOW
didn;t know they had measured it

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I am terribley upset. My dog is dead. He had been with me for years and even saved me from drowning once.

Now old Shep is gone and never again will we roam the plains and the meadows. How will I ever get over it?

Do you think dogs go to heaven?

I'm lonesome tonight,
Elvis P.
Memphis

Dear Fatty,

I told you, the words "gun" and "vet" are not interchangeable.

Dear Lonesome Night

I'm a little unsure as to how to word this, but it's been proven that dogs don't lose 21 gram's in weight upon death. This means that they have no soul. And as everyone knows you need a soul to get into heaven.

As a result of this, Old Shep will not be getting past the pearly gates.

Yours
J. Reeves

Dear Tom,

A small dog can be flushed down the loo. Anything bigger the dustman will take if you leave it next to the green bin.

21 grammes???
is that what a soul weighs??

WOW
didn;t know they had measured it

Dear Anon,

Yes, 21g. A gram for every bonio they choked to death on.