Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Rogerer,

Im pleased to hear you were thrown out of court, hopefully fully clothed.

Fortunately Auberge is illiterate. Let's just hope his copy of the paper has a small staple covering your embarrassment and that he doesn't see you embarrassment!

The best way to keep Auris away from your chick is to perhap commit a heinous crime of some sort and fit him up for it. A few years modelling a wedding dress for Bubba will kep the way clear for you to try and reach second base.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Rogerer,

Im pleased to hear you were thrown out of court, hopefully fully clothed.

Fortunately Auberge is illiterate. Let's just hope his copy of the paper has a small staple covering your embarrassment and that he doesn't see you embarrassment!

The best way to keep Auris away from your chick is to perhap commit a heinous crime of some sort and fit him up for it. A few years modelling a wedding dress for Bubba will kep the way clear for you to try and reach second base.

Excellent. What a font of wonderful knowledge you are.
Now, the question of what heinous crime i can commit. It has to be something no-one else has ever thought of. ........what if I was to attack a foreign country, would that work? And how would I blame Aubrey ?

 

[Drago]

Perhaps commit a burglary and leave a pair of his Y fronts at the scene?

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I've had a bit of a disastrous evening. I had planned on popping over to visit that woman up the road tonight. I had my best Y-fronts all laid out on the bed ready to put on and I had a bottle of Yugoslavian red ready to take with me. My Hillman Hunter was parked outside, all polished up and tuned to perfection, ready for the trip to that woman up the road.

I had been working on tuning my Honda in the afternoon and I took it out for a high speed test ride. I even managed to overtake a steam traction engine. The upgrades have been a success.

When I got home, I found my house had been broken into, and some swine had stolen my best Y-fronts. They had also taken my bottle of Yugoslavian red and the old Hamlet cigar tin I had that was full of loose change. They must have made a getaway in my Hillman, as it was gone too.

Naturally, I called the police. Their enquiries with the neighbours told them they were looking for someone resembling that Dave bloke. Later they spotted the Hillman, but they lost it on a high speed chase.

I had such high hopes for this evening, and now, a complete calamity. I had to cancel my date as I don't have any other clean Y-fronts, I've no wine and no car. I've been speaking to the insurance company and they've offered me 78 pence compensation.

What should I do?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Auchinlech,

Youndo get yourself into some scrapes, but all is not lost.

78 pence puts you well into Austin Maxi territory, possibly even a 1750 if you shop around. The woman up the road will be seriously impressed by a bright orange love Maxi.

The wine is a trickier proposition, but all is not lost. Any rural lay by near a busy road has an assortment of discarded bottles of Tizer. I dknt knkw why, I guess truckers get given it but don't really like it. A bottle of that will impressed her with your teetotalling ways, and with the sugar rush she'll be putty in your hands.

 

[Moon bunny]

Dear Mummy,

Divert attention by hanging it on the washing line and adding in a very loud voice, "finally lost my virginity last night!."

Thanks, in the end I killed two birds with one stone by hanging it out and explaining to my neighbours that my husband had a bad attack of piles and was in hospital, hence his not being around.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I decided to splash the 78p on a lovely beige Triumph Acclaim with pushbutton Panasonic radio cassette, tartan blanket, nodding dog and a coin holder. It really looks a dream. I feel that woman up the road can't help but be impressed. I also bought some new Y-fronts from the 99p shop.

You wouldn't believe what happened next. The police found my stolen Hunter and Y-fronts. Unfortunately, the bottle of Yugoslavian wine had broken and burned a hole in the passenger foot well. Is it normal for wine to eat through car body work?

Apparently the police have committed the thief to a mental health facility.

I now have the dilemma of having two cars and unsure which one to keep. Do you think I should keep the Hillman or the Triumph? Which is most likely to impress that woman up the road?

I invited that woman up the road around for a drink and bite to eat to celebrate getting my car back. I decided to go upmarket and bought a bottle of Romanian wine. It can't be bad at 25p a bottle from the guy down the back of the market with the rusty Hi-Ace.

Unfortunately, I was preparing food and got my tie caught in the food blender. I can't get myself released from it and I can hear her knocking on the door. How to do I explain this embarrassing situation?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I decided to splash the 78p on a lovely beige Triumph Acclaim with pushbutton Panasonic radio cassette, tartan blanket, nodding dog and a coin holder. It really looks a dream. I feel that woman up the road can't help but be impressed. I also bought some new Y-fronts from the 99p shop.

You wouldn't believe what happened next. The police found my stolen Hunter and Y-fronts. Unfortunately, the bottle of Yugoslavian wine had broken and burned a hole in the passenger foot well. Is it normal for wine to eat through car body work?

Apparently the police have committed the thief to a mental health facility.

I now have the dilemma of having two cars and unsure which one to keep. Do you think I should keep the Hillman or the Triumph? Which is most likely to impress that woman up the road?

I invited that woman up the road around for a drink and bite to eat to celebrate getting my car back. I decided to go upmarket and bought a bottle of Romanian wine. It can't be bad at 25p a bottle from the guy down the back of the market with the rusty Hi-Ace.

Unfortunately, I was preparing food and got my tie caught in the food blender. I can't get myself released from it and I can hear her knocking on the door. How to do I explain this embarrassing situation?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Tangled one

Can you reach the knife drawer, choosing the longest, sharpest knife in it and cut the tie holding you to the food blender?

I don't think you'd do any damage to your reputation if you answered the door covered in tomato puree/ketchup whilst holding a large knife in your hand. I'm sure she'd understand your predicament.

Yours
G. Reaper

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Tangled one

Can you reach the knife drawer, choosing the longest, sharpest knife in it and cut the tie holding you to the food blender?

I don't think you'd do any damage to your reputation if you answered the door covered in tomato puree/ketchup whilst holding a large knife in your hand. I'm sure she'd understand your predicament.

Yours
G. Reaper

I have to agree that this sounds like the best way forward

A lot of The Ladies like that sort of look
I saw a documentary about it a while ago
(I think it was a documentary - a bloke I met on holiday sent it to me on a VHS tape with a hand written label - but it was very informative)