Wednesday Joke

[Tetedelacourse]

Bob works in a department store. He has a nervous tic which makes him wink a lot. One day, a few customers complain to the manager, so the manager decides to address the issue with Bob. When the manager brings it up, Bob says "oh I see - don't worry, it's just a nervous tic I have. It's easily controlled with aspirin. I just forgot to take some pills this morning to control it. At this point, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a fistful of condoms.

The manager exclaims "I don't understand, don't tell me you're some sort of sex fiend too?!"

Bob replies "no, this is what you get when you go into a chemist winking and asking for some aspirin"

 

[Keith Oates]

I suppose it's better than stammering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[fuzzy29]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.!"

"WOW! " exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March....................

 

[Mr Phoebus]

It's an old un, but I like it.

Two blokes are driving along a highway when they see a sheep with its head stuck in a fence.
The first one says, “Heyyy, here’s our chance to have some fun!”
The second one pulls over and they get out of their car and go over to the sheep.
Sure enough it’s head is stuck firmly in place and there is no escape.
The first one says, “I’m gonna have me a little piece of that…” he then dropped his pants and began “servicing” the sheep from behind.
When he was done, he looked at the second one and said,, “OK, it’s your turn now.”
The second one gave the first one a smile, he then dropped his pants and stuck his head in the fence next to the sheep.

 

[mosschops2]

Sport Commentating Bloopers

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. USPGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the USMasters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UKeclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

 

[Elmer Fudd]

Cheers mosschops2, I was gonna post them

 

[mosschops2]

An elderly couple were sitting together watching television. During a commercial, the husband asked his wife. " Whatever happened to our sexual relations? ".

After a long and thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, " You know, I really don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

 

[mosschops2]

American was being taken on a tour round London in a black cab.
Cabbie, “On your right is the Tower of London”.
Tourist, “Say how long did it take to build that?”
Cabbie, “About 50 years”.
Tourist, “Got a place like that on my ranch in Texas, only took 2 weeks to build”.
This conversation went on for all the buildings, such as St. Paul’s Cathedral, were pointed out. Eventually driving down The Mall the same question was raised regarding Buckingham Palace
“Dunno”, said the cabbie, “Wasn't there this morning”

 

[mosschops2]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and
you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey
lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. So terhe!!

 

[alecstilleyedye]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and
you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey
lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. So terhe!!

think i read that in the grauniad.

 

[Keith Oates]

Hey, it works!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[mosschops2]

They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide.

They wander into the next room.

She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

 

[Hugh Jarse]

Bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to heaven. St Peter asks the 1st nun have you ever had contact with a penis? She says I touched one with a finger, St Peter says dip it in holy water, he then asks the the next nun, I fondled one, put your hand in holy water he says. Suddenly there's a commotion, a nun has pushed to the front , St Peter asks what's up If I'm going to gargle that holy water I want to do it before sister Ann sticks her arse in it!