What not to say in the pub

[ComedyPilot]

What not to say in a pub?

Can you turn the football off?

A program that no-one is watching on the 800" flat screen HD telly (that is being subsidised by the inflated price of my pint)

 

[surfdude]

is it my round lads

 

[BrumJim]

Colleague of mine was going out for a meal with a group of friends. One member of the group was a rather prim lady, a Christian who did not have a tale of conversion from wayward ways, but had lived her entire life in a righteous and clean-living manner.

Meal finished about 8:00, and needed to make her excuses, as she had a dog that needed taking for its evening walk.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'll have to leave now as I have got to get home to do some dogging!"

Most embarrassed when she was told the REAL meaning of what she had said.

 

[Ste T.]

When the national lottery first started, one of the early multimillionaires was a young woman who I saw

interviewed and when asked where her first holiday would be said " well, I've always wanted to go to the Grand

Canyon and go down on a donkey"

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

Before you do, read a cautionary tale: I got a bit fed up with one of the cleaners at work, who could talk the hind legs off a donkey. I was pretty busy one day and when she came into the office I realised that I would miss one particular deadline if she launched into one of her epic chats. She asked how I was and I decided to flummox her by telling her my piles were giving me hell. Forty five minutes later I knew all about her prolapse, her husband's split foreskin and her 14 yr old daughter's cystitis.

No no, it's ok, I'm not THAT bad!

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

When my brother and I were in our teens, our mum overheard us calling someone a w*nker, and asked what it meant. She said she'd never heard the expression before. We were very embarrassed at having to explain it to her. With the benefit of hindsight I wonder if she was being (very) funny, but she's gone now so I can't ask her.

When I was in hospital (yes, here I go! ), I was lying there with the window open and I overheard a conversation between a woman and a guy down below (I was on the first floor at the time) about whether he wanted a blowjob or not and that it would be £15.

Annyway, I told this story to my Dad when he came in as I had been mildly amused by it, and he said that even to this day, he still wasn't entirely sure what a blow job was

 

[Fnaar]

When I was in hospital (yes, here I go! ), I was lying there with the window open and I overheard a conversation between a woman and a guy down below (I was on the first floor at the time) about whether he wanted a blowjob or not and that it would be £15.

Annyway, I told this story to my Dad when he came in as I had been mildly amused by it, and he said that even to this day, he still wasn't entirely sure what a blow job was

Ahem... could there be a connection here? And his 'innocence' ?

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

No, I'd have recognised his voice Besides, it was at a different time of day.

 

[bobg]

When I was in hospital (yes, here I go! ), I was lying there with the window open and I overheard a conversation between a woman and a guy down below (I was on the first floor at the time) about whether he wanted a blowjob or not and that it would be £15.

Annyway, I told this story to my Dad when he came in as I had been mildly amused by it, and he said that even to this day, he still wasn't entirely sure what a blow job was

I'd forgotten this till now.. When my eldest daughter was about 8 we were sitting down to Sunday lunch and during a lull in the usual chaos, a little voice piped up " Daaaad, whats a blow job" .... what could I say but " ask your mother". I never did ask Mrs BG how sho got out of that one. When she comes in I'll mention it, mind you it was 25 years ago.

I blame it on the Catholic Primary School she was attending

 

[Ghost Donkey]

On September 12th, 2001, my intoxicated then gf, now wife, loudly proclaiming how terrorists are loved in her country. Time to get the coats

 

[Ghost Donkey]

I'd forgotten this till now.. When my eldest daughter was about 8 we were sitting down to Sunday lunch and during a lull in the usual chaos, a little voice piped up " Daaaad, whats a blow job" .... what could I say but " ask your mother". I never did ask Mrs BG how sho got out of that one. When she comes in I'll mention it, mind you it was 25 years ago.

I blame it on the Catholic Primary School she was attending

I remember loudly asking my dad what a prostitute was on a packed bus when I was a kid.

 

[goo_mason]

My Mum phoned up John Lewis and asked the girl in the women's clothing department if she "had a big hairy muff; one that you can stick your hands in".

My brother could barely scrape himself off the floor; Mum couldn't understand what he was laughing at.

When I was younger, she once loudly stated "My goodness, Grant - that's a huge hole you've got in your backside!" You could see the whole place stop and everyone turn round to stare. What she meant was that I had a tear in the bum area of my jeans.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

I'd forgotten this till now.. When my eldest daughter was about 8 we were sitting down to Sunday lunch and during a lull in the usual chaos, a little voice piped up " Daaaad, whats a blow job" .... what could I say but " ask your mother". I never did ask Mrs BG how sho got out of that one. When she comes in I'll mention it, mind you it was 25 years ago.

I blame it on the Catholic Primary School she was attending

I remember loudly asking my dad what a prostitute was on a packed bus when I was a kid.

Yes, but he's 63 for crying out loud!!

 

[ChrisKH]

My 8 year old asked me what a c**t was the other day........

Fortunately it wasn't in the pub.

 

[Dayvo]

My 8 year old asked me what a c**t was the other day........

Come on, then, how'd ya get out of that one?