What not to say in the pub

[bobg]

Visited my uncle last weekend who is recovering from Shingles He's a big cheery popular man but at 82 he sometimes gets his words mixed up. We wandered into his local where he was greeted with the comment "Hello Frank, not seen you for a while, are you ok? "No" came his hearty and rather loud response, "I've had a touch of syphilis, the doc said it might have been someting I picked up a while ago and it's just flared up" Stunned silence in the saloon bar and middle aged ( well old) member of CC collapsed on the floor in hysterics........... Am I the only who this sort of thing happens to....

 

[Gerry Attrick]

So he told you it was shingles!

 

[bobg]

Hmmm I never thought of that....!!

 

[potsy]

Is he Count Arthur Strong?

 

[ThePainInSpain]

My missus is the worlds worst................

A friend went to see a Clairvoyant, however SWMBO asked her how she got on at the Ventriloquist.

 

[Rhythm Thief]

My grandad was one of those people who, wherever he went, would be pretty much guaranteed to bump into someone who knew him. He once went into the Dolphin in Whitby, just after he'd been diagnosed with bowel cancer (which eventually killed him) and had to have a colostomy.
At the bar was a chap who obviously knew him. "Jack!" said this chap to my grandad "not seen you for a while. How are you?"
To which my grandad replied, in a voice they could have heard in Scarborough, "oh, I'm absolutely top hole, old chap. I've just had thirty foot of my guts removed and my peanut sewn up".

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

To which my grandad replied, in a voice they could have heard in Scarborough, "oh, I'm absolutely top hole, old chap. I've just had thirty foot of my guts removed and my peanut sewn up".

I'll have to remember that one next time someone asks me how I've been!

 

[Ste T.]

My dear old mum, sadly now missed, was famous in our family for these. All delivered innocently without Knowing what she said.

We were selling a cooker once and a couple arrived to look at it. We were in the front garden and saw them pull up outside. The woman had a cat on her lap which she put in the back seat before she got out. We were stood talking to them when our old dog comes up and starts sniffing at the woman's skirt. Cue my mum " Oo look, she can smell your pussy".

Another time when my wife started a new teaching post she was telling mum that her Head teacher was only thirty, quite young to be in that high up.
Cue my mum, ( stood at the sink washing dishes ) " Ee, she must have sat on some faces on the way up then "

 

[gemsno4]

My mum once came home from a day out with her friend and told my brother they'd had a lovely time - they had both joined the National Front . They got little membership cards and everything.


She really didn't understand when my brother said he was going to disown her and move out immediately.


What she actually meant was she'd joined the National Trust.

She tells this story a lot, and still doesn't have which one is which quite straight in her head. She's not old or senile!

 

[bobg]

Mums and Dads ... bless 'em. I've already turned into my Dad and it'll be your turn soon ( unless yo're a woman of course..) I popped into the bakers for a loaf today and the girl giving me the change patted me on the hand and said " there you are luv, can you manage..." Remind me never to patronise and older person, I'm still recovering from a bloke standing up and offering me a seat when I was on the underground in London last week, the shame of it!! ( Sorry for deviating from the thread but its mine anyway and I'm old so I don't bloody care.. )

 

[carolonabike]

My inlaws were looking for a new DVD player. Mr carolonabike told them to get one with a hard drive. So, they took themselves off to John Lewis where my MIL asked a young man in the electronics dept if they had any hard core DVD's in stock.

 

[ThePainInSpain]

I was back in the UK last weekend, the first time for 4 years, do you think I could get used to the money..........???

I was at the bar and put my hand out with a handful of change and asked the girl behind the bar to take what she needed, and apologized.

"Don't you worry" said she "I'm training to be nurse so I'm used to it"

BITCH................

 

[postman]

I went down like a lead balloon once .Many years ago there was a young lady who was very free with her body .To anyone .Well when i joined the Post Office i got in with a crowd of lads who liked a lunchtime drink .And as time went on .I got invited to join them on a saturday night .So this driver introduces me to his wife .Now this is a long time after leaving school .And i had never met this girl or indulged in any freebies .But i knew her name .

So he intoduces me to his wife and say's "Bob ,this is my wife ,you will know her as **** ****".In a loud voice i replied "YOUR Linda ****".It was awkward .

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

My MIL is on a different planet to the rest of us. T'other day she says (out of the blue) there was a cycling club at our old house (Axbridge) called the Sevilles. So, not wishing to miss a chance, I said - "Oh yes - they wear orange jerseys". "Indeed" she said "that's right". Now just where did that come from .

 

[Cubist]

I'll have to remember that one next time someone asks me how I've been!

Before you do, read a cautionary tale: I got a bit fed up with one of the cleaners at work, who could talk the hind legs off a donkey. I was pretty busy one day and when she came into the office I realised that I would miss one particular deadline if she launched into one of her epic chats. She asked how I was and I decided to flummox her by telling her my piles were giving me hell. Forty five minutes later I knew all about her prolapse, her husband's split foreskin and her 14 yr old daughter's cystitis.