Why be happy when you can have a cross to bear
- Thread starter alicat
- Start date
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Hello all
Your collective wisdom is amazing. You have reinforced what my clinical psychologist said when I last saw her 20 years ago. What she taught me has faded over time so it is great to be reminded of it.
Globalti - it has been cathartic to write it down. I may even actually write a letter then not post it. They won't change (SDI) and they are good people even if they are completely lacking in emotional intelligence (Miss Tilly Flop) so it will do no good to post it.
Sharing has also made me realise that few families are like the Waltons (May Use Full Lane). Most people either don't realise or accept it and adapt but some, like me, are more scarred. Sharing has also helped reinforce that it's okay to be me (Salad Dodger). I started off the odd one out in life, more intelligent than my classmates, left-footed so it was hard to join in right-footed skipping games, no social skills at school.
So going forward I won't say never again (Stephenite) nor get too needy on friends (SDI). In future years I will look to going away more often or volunteering at a soup kitchen. I will also make it clear that my family are welcome to come down to me but they need to make the running.
Cuchilo - you made me laugh!
Last night I had the best night's sleep and today am going for a ride, wind permitting and best of luck to Sandra6 and others in Cumbria and Northumberland.
Thank you all again - I will always treasure all your posts. More posts are welcome; they are all helping lift my mood.
Alison
Your collective wisdom is amazing. You have reinforced what my clinical psychologist said when I last saw her 20 years ago. What she taught me has faded over time so it is great to be reminded of it.
Globalti - it has been cathartic to write it down. I may even actually write a letter then not post it. They won't change (SDI) and they are good people even if they are completely lacking in emotional intelligence (Miss Tilly Flop) so it will do no good to post it.
Sharing has also made me realise that few families are like the Waltons (May Use Full Lane). Most people either don't realise or accept it and adapt but some, like me, are more scarred. Sharing has also helped reinforce that it's okay to be me (Salad Dodger). I started off the odd one out in life, more intelligent than my classmates, left-footed so it was hard to join in right-footed skipping games, no social skills at school.
So going forward I won't say never again (Stephenite) nor get too needy on friends (SDI). In future years I will look to going away more often or volunteering at a soup kitchen. I will also make it clear that my family are welcome to come down to me but they need to make the running.
Cuchilo - you made me laugh!
Last night I had the best night's sleep and today am going for a ride, wind permitting and best of luck to Sandra6 and others in Cumbria and Northumberland.
Thank you all again - I will always treasure all your posts. More posts are welcome; they are all helping lift my mood.
Alison
- Location
- Manchester
Have a great ride!
Smokin Joe
Legendary Member
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
Two branches of Mrs SJ's family live in our neck of the woods. We pass each other in the street without a glance and I haven't spoken to my brother for years. In fact he's been married twice and I've never met either wife. His 22 year old daughter I've only met twice, the last being at my mum's funeral twelve years ago. Families are not a choice, you're stuck with them for better or worse.
swee'pea99
Legendary Member
And they say no-one remembers the true spirit of Christmas...Best Christmas i had was when i told everyone to do one and went round my mates house . Me and him got absolutely shitfaced and watched shrek films all day
When I was in my mid 20's I had the temerity to spread my wings and move several hundred miles away from the family home. My partner and I used to invite them to ours for Xmas but they never came, and for several years it was always me and Mrs S who were on the motorway at stupid-o-clock on Xmas morning heading south (despite being the only ones with full time jobs). The sacrifices we made were never acknowledged, and we always had a pretty shite time.
So eventually we took the decision not to do it. We still invite them to ours safe in the knowledge that they will never come, and then go out with friends for a really nice Xmas meal at a good restaurant where someone else does all the cooking etc. It's brilliant, and I can never see myself doing anything different now!
You just need to get into the right mindset and do what's right for you, and stop feeling guilty just because it's Xmas. Sounds like you are already nearly there.
Have a hug from me, and really enjoy your Xmas this year doing things that you like doing and that are important to you.
So eventually we took the decision not to do it. We still invite them to ours safe in the knowledge that they will never come, and then go out with friends for a really nice Xmas meal at a good restaurant where someone else does all the cooking etc. It's brilliant, and I can never see myself doing anything different now!
You just need to get into the right mindset and do what's right for you, and stop feeling guilty just because it's Xmas. Sounds like you are already nearly there.
Have a hug from me, and really enjoy your Xmas this year doing things that you like doing and that are important to you.
Flying_Monkey
Recyclist
- Location
- Odawa
Best thing I ever did was moving to adifferent country. I like my family a whole lot more from a distance...
Accy cyclist
Legendary Member
- Location
- The hills of Accrington
Thank you for all the hugs - they are appreciated.
LOL
My aunt moved to Australia to get away from the family. Unfortunately, I've only moved 100 miles so they still think the stupid-o-clock run is possible. I once got up on Boxing Day and drove 130 miles to Ripon to go to an event with them at 9.30am. Only to find out they hadn't bothered to tell me it actually started at 10. They looked completely blank when I pointed out as gently as possible that it would have been nice to get up a little later.
LOL
My aunt moved to Australia to get away from the family. Unfortunately, I've only moved 100 miles so they still think the stupid-o-clock run is possible. I once got up on Boxing Day and drove 130 miles to Ripon to go to an event with them at 9.30am. Only to find out they hadn't bothered to tell me it actually started at 10. They looked completely blank when I pointed out as gently as possible that it would have been nice to get up a little later.
Saluki
World class procrastinator
- Location
- ...Norwich over the water.
20 years ago when I saw my psyche nurse lady - family problems that took a bit of working through - she told me "Don't let other people trample through your mind with their dirty feet". It stuck with me. I wrote it down and stick in the front of my diary, just as a reminder.
I thought I'd share in case it struck a chord with you @alicat
I thought I'd share in case it struck a chord with you @alicat
Same here,nobody to argue with apart from myself (and a few work colleagues I guess).Working and commuting Christmas Eve and back on the 27th..Good luck.
classic33
Leg End Member
How far?
Pale Rider
Legendary Member
My family sounds a bit like the OP's.
We are spread around the country, and middle brother is uncooperative when it comes to travelling so we can all sit around the same table at Christmas.
I suspect I'm older than @alicat, which may be one reason why I can't be bothered to tackle the deep-seated sibling issues and just get on with it.
This is partly for the sake of my elderly mother, who doesn't complain, but I'm certain would prefer to see a full set of sons for Christmas dinner.
I did consider severing all contact with difficult brother a few years ago, but decided against it, again partly for the sake of my mother.
It turned out to be a good decision for me, because difficult brother has also taken up cycling so it is the one thing we can do together a couple of times a year without arguing.
Thus my suggestion to @alicat is stick to your plans for this year, but leave the family contact door ajar rather than close it.
We are spread around the country, and middle brother is uncooperative when it comes to travelling so we can all sit around the same table at Christmas.
I suspect I'm older than @alicat, which may be one reason why I can't be bothered to tackle the deep-seated sibling issues and just get on with it.
This is partly for the sake of my elderly mother, who doesn't complain, but I'm certain would prefer to see a full set of sons for Christmas dinner.
I did consider severing all contact with difficult brother a few years ago, but decided against it, again partly for the sake of my mother.
It turned out to be a good decision for me, because difficult brother has also taken up cycling so it is the one thing we can do together a couple of times a year without arguing.
Thus my suggestion to @alicat is stick to your plans for this year, but leave the family contact door ajar rather than close it.
Well, I went out for a quick spin and helped a delivery driver find the right address when I stopped to have a quick shufty at a new development. I got him to follow me because it didn't much matter where I went and it was easier and quicker to lead than explain. I could feel the grateful vibes in his toot as I went on my way.
I am 55 @Pale Rider so may be your age or older. I did think long and hard about the effect on my elderly parents.
I won't close the door and will extend an invitation for family to come to me in future but will be making my own plans until it feels right to do otherwise.
I am 55 @Pale Rider so may be your age or older. I did think long and hard about the effect on my elderly parents.
I won't close the door and will extend an invitation for family to come to me in future but will be making my own plans until it feels right to do otherwise.
