Affairs of the heart - Relationship advice!

[RWright]

Go out with someone else and see if it makes her jealous.

 

[vernon]

The other thing is that men and women cannot be best friends. Sex always gets in the way. Anyway some friendships just run their course and you move on.

Men and women can be best friends but lines have to be drawn by mutual consent to ensure that there are no misunderstandings. My closest friend of forty four years standing is female and it's very clear that it is a friendship and not a friendship with benefits.

One thing that strikes me is that there is no mention of any strife in the relationship. Are too many concessions being made on both sides to make the friendship last? Close friendships can accommodate dissent.

It's important that the original poster makes a decision to either thrash things out regarding the status of the relationship or continues to let his emotions be churned by the uncertainties generated by his inaction. Doubt and uncertainty causes all sorts of problems and my advice would be to seek an opportune moment to have a heart to heart with the friend. The uncertainties will eat away at trust, peace of mind and ultimately the friendship.

 

[tyred]

Mena


I am gonna stick my neck out. Do not get involved with her any more than the friendship you think you currently have. You give the impression that you are both two vulnerable lonely people. If she is calling you during the night or next morning relating her immediate conquest to you then she is a pretty sad and cruel person. Even if you believe she has helped you beyond what you thought you could ever achieve she doesn't have your welfare uppermost in her mind. A genuine and sincere friend would be mindful of your feelings and not do this. You seem like a rabbit blinded by car headlights. Keep her as a friend if you want but find some else. If she really wants you she will come after you, trust me. If she doesn't then she's not the friend you thought she was nor the lover you dreamed she was. The other thing that concerns me apart from your mental states is ALCOHOL. Some one who routinely resorts to drink has issues which I guess is why you met her in the first place as you were both at the same support group. I can only see this ending badly. Take the positive aspects of the relationship, be confident and assured and find some one else who will be your true soul mate and not treat you cruelly. If you did try to have a serious relationship with her what's the likelihood that you would just be another one of her one night stands or one week stand after which she gets bored with you and moves on to some one else. Sorry to be blunt but this is a distinct possibility from what you have written.

The other thing is that men and women cannot be best friends. Sex always gets in the way. Anyway some friendships just run their course and you move on.

I respect your opinions but have to disagree with most of what you've written.

I do consider her a genuine friend and she has never done anything to hurt me, only support me and I like to think I have done the same to her. I honestly don't believe she tells me of her conquests to annoy or upset me, we've always been very open with each other.

Yes, she has a few issues. I have too. So do the majority of the population at some point in their lives. It takes a big person to take ownership of these type of problems and try to resolve them. She, or anyone else who works to overcome their personal problems in life has my utmost respect. As a society, we need to take mental health issues much more seriously and not brush them under the carpet.

How many people can honestly say they have never resorted to alcohol when they feel really down? Not very many would be my bet. It's not a good idea but very easily done when you've lost hope.
I do believe men and women can be friends. I've had quite a few very good female friends over the years and sex never got in the way.

 

[tyred]

One thing that strikes me is that there is no mention of any strife in the relationship. Are too many concessions being made on both sides to make the friendship last? Close friendships can accommodate dissent.

It's often struck me as odd too but I don't recall us ever disagreeing on anything. I'm not aware of consciously making any concessions to her to keep the peace or anything like that.

I will be seeing her tonight at our dance class but probably won't get a chance to talk alone as there are so many other people there.

It actually seem to me as if most of the people that attend the club are people, male and female of all ages, that like me, she has helped and encouraged them through mental health issues. In some ways I would prefer it if she would spend more time on herself and less time trying to help others.

 

[Silver Fox]

I respect your opinions but have to disagree with most of what you've written.

I do consider her a genuine friend and she has never done anything to hurt me, only support me and I like to think I have done the same to her. I honestly don't believe she tells me of her conquests to annoy or upset me, we've always been very open with each other.

Yes, she has a few issues. I have too. So do the majority of the population at some point in their lives. It takes a big person to take ownership of these type of problems and try to resolve them. She, or anyone else who works to overcome their personal problems in life has my utmost respect. As a society, we need to take mental health issues much more seriously and not brush them under the carpet.

How many people can honestly say they have never resorted to alcohol when they feel really down? Not very many would be my bet. It's not a good idea but very easily done when you've lost hope.
I do believe men and women can be friends. I've had quite a few very good female friends over the years and sex never got in the way.

I gave @Crankarm a like for his post as, apart from the final paragraph I can relate to his observations. During my time on the single scene experience taught me to steer well clear of women with issues. As the saying goes, someone in your life should compliment it not complicate it.

At the end of the day though you alone know this woman better than any of us so follow what instinct is telling you to do.

 

[Crankarm]

I respect your opinions but have to disagree with most of what you've written.

I do consider her a genuine friend and she has never done anything to hurt me, only support me and I like to think I have done the same to her. I honestly don't believe she tells me of her conquests to annoy or upset me, we've always been very open with each other.

Yes, she has a few issues. I have too. So do the majority of the population at some point in their lives. It takes a big person to take ownership of these type of problems and try to resolve them. She, or anyone else who works to overcome their personal problems in life has my utmost respect. As a society, we need to take mental health issues much more seriously and not brush them under the carpet.

How many people can honestly say they have never resorted to alcohol when they feel really down? Not very many would be my bet. It's not a good idea but very easily done when you've lost hope.
I do believe men and women can be friends. I've had quite a few very good female friends over the years and sex never got in the way.

Well if that's how you genuinely feel go for it. However I think in your own heart you feel that she's not the one otherwise you would have made a move on her well before now. It's not rocket science. Maybe that's the issue, you have had quite a few good female friends over the years and sex never got in the way because you never really tried? Are you looking for a friend or a lover? Faint heart never won a maiden. Make a decision and if you decide to go for it do so 100%.

 

[Bryony]

Obviously I don't know the lady or what your friendship is like but I do think its a little strange she texts you saying she has a man in her bed, that's not something I'd even text my closest of girly friends, to me she's doing that to make you jealous (I could be wrong as I said I know nothing about her) How does she act when you are seeing people?

 

[tyred]

How does she act when you are seeing people?

If she seen me chatting to other girls, she'd tend to make jokes about me being a randy old bugger and she needs to keep me on a lead like a dog on heat.

 

[Bryony]

If she seen me chatting to other girls, she'd tend to make jokes about me being a randy old bugger and she needs to keep me on a lead like a dog on heat.

The joking could be a defence mechanism to maybe hide some jealousy. I do think that she would like a relationship with you, as I said I think she maybe texting you saying she has a man in her bed to maybe make you jealous or to see how you react, if she can see you look bothered or jealous then she may then know how you feel about her?? The female mind is a complicated thing (I don't always understand how my mind works ) I think the best thing you can do is just ask her!

The other thing is if she is interested is it the right time for you both to get together as you've said you both have/had issues which can put strains on relationships but on the other hand you both will understand how each other feel and can support each other.

 

[Linford]

If she has a new bloke on the scene, don't interfere with that. If it fizzles out, then tell her how you feel.

 

[tyred]

If she has a new bloke on the scene, don't interfere with that. If it fizzles out, then tell her how you feel.

I have to say that is my gut instinct. I would only come across as needy, pathetic and jealous if I mentioned it now.

Please break up, please break up, please break up

 

[Sittingduck]

Interested to see how this pans out. Good luck...

 

[tyred]

Go for it, tyred, she won't meet another bloke who likes all the old crap that you do.

Perhaps if I showed her my collection of Union dynamos and Simplex mechs, she couldn't help but be impressed.

 

[Arjimlad]

I'm surprised no-one has asked to see pictures yet !

Good luck whatever you decide to do, but it seems to me she'd probably be pleased if you expressed your feelings...can't help but have reservations as others have mentioned as well, though.

 

[tyred]

Well, she's still with her new man but starting to have second thoughts about him...