Another bad joke thread…

[Vapin' Joe]

My wife called me a selfish bastard because I wouldn't open the car door for her.

How could I, I was swimming for my life at the time.

 

[NormanD]

A son bursts into the kitchen the following morning after a night out and announces to his day "I had my first sex session last night" his father feeling dead proud of his son announced "I'm proud of you my son, I'll buy you that bike you've always wanted, but you'll have to wait until next pay day" "that's ok" says his son "My ass is too sore to ride it anyways" 

 

[slowmotion]

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?
























....because all proper tea is theft.....

 

[Cubist]

What was pink and smelled of ginger?






























Fred Astaire's knob.

 

[Cubist]

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your boxers?


Yer Mum

 

[BlueDog]

You would think that if you pulled a snail's shell off, then it would be able to move faster. I tried it, but they just seemed to be more sluggish.

 

[Cubist]

A snail goes into the police station and says he been mugged by two slugs. The cop asks whether he can describe them:

"Not really" he said "It all happened so fast."

 

[Over The Hill]

There was a huge traffic queue on the way into Crufts dog show.

Traffic was nose to tail all the way.

 

[benb]

What's green and has eight legs and yellow tarten trousers?

"Rupert the Snooker Table".

Since when have snooker tables had 8 legs?

 

[Theseus]

Since when have snooker tables had 8 legs?

That depends on the size and price ...

My link

 

[PaulB]

My girlfriend just finished with me, which broke my heart. She said I was too nosey. Well, I say she SAID I was too nosey but I read it in her diary.

 

[guitarpete247]

Since when have snooker tables had 8 legs?

Real snooker table. Count the legs.

Baby table for the kids room. Count the legs.

 

[benb]

OK, sorry I spoke!

 

[Amheirchion]

My girl did that thing with her mouth the other day, you know, the one every guy loves.

Spoiler

She shut it.

She's also a famous internet porn star.

Spoiler

She'll kill me when she finds out.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

Non PC joke - Don't read if easily offended. Sorry ladies - I know it isn't a laughing matter really.




















Lady runs into police station and yells

"Help, Help - I've been graped"

"Don't you mean raped, madam?" says the sergeant

" No - Graped" says Lady - "There was a bunch of them"