Another bad joke thread…

[PaulB]

I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

 

[Maz]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

To get to the same side.

That was in the same episode of The Big Bang Theory as my joke.

 

[BlueDog]

There is a man running down the street with a naked women on his back.

His mate stops him and asks, "why do you have a naked women on your back?"

He replied "well I’m going to a fancy dress party, I'm a turtle"

His mate asks, "so why is there a naked women on your back?"

He replied... "Oh that’s Michelle!!"

 

[threebikesmcginty]

That was in the same episode of The Big Bang Theory as my joke.

Haven't seen it - just nicked mine off the internet!

 

[PaulB]

I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria.

I plan to sell the secret to Dettol.

 

[slowmotion]

Why are pirates called pirates?













Because they ARRRGHHHH......

 

[PaulB]

Capital letters are important and make the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse ... or helping your uncle jack off a horse.

 

[ufkacbln]

From Mock the Week....

Most of my relatives are Police marksmen, except for my grandfather who is an armed robber

He died recently, but at least he died surrounded by his family

 

[ufkacbln]

Same source...

George Michael..... If he goes for a shower it will be the first time in 12 years he has experienced a surprise entry in the number 2 slot!

 

[CharlieB]

Helium walks into a bar and orders a drink,

Barman says "Sorry, we dont serve Noble Gases here"

Helium doesn't react

 

[TVC]

I want to this bar on the Moon, didn't like it nice, no atmosphere.

 

[CharlieB]

Once upon a time there lived a great ape. For years he had watched the tourists come and go in their 4x4s spending their hard earned cash to come and see the wild animals in his jungle. One day he decided he wanted to leave the jungle and make some money for himself, by buying a ranch.​

So he saved up all the bananas he could and bought a big piece of land next to the jungle. Of course he could not raise cattle on his ranch – they were too big – so he decided to raise smaller monkeys instead. Very quickly he discovered there was little market for his livestock in a land already teeming with monkeys.​

So with a heavy heart he realised ‘I cannot make any money from this - I will sell the ranch’.​

But try as he may, whenever he asked anyone if they wanted to buy a monkey ranch, they said they could get by with just a pair of pliers.​

 

[Jezston]

Is there a code thing like what is used in some forums for 'spoilers'?

Just that I have some really good, but really sick jokes and I got in trouble on another forum for sharing them and upsetting some more sensitive souls!

Be good if I could print them but have them hidden unless you really want to read them.

 

[ArDee]

If you gave a warning, you may be able to change the colour of the text to match the page so that if people who wanted to read the joke they highlight the area to read the text, like below;

Perhaps like this

 

[661-Pete]

[ spoiler]Try this[/spoiler] (but with no space after the [ )

Spoiler

like this