Any good jokes ... ?

[Arjimlad]

Today really should be a bank holiday

After all, nobody should work 24/7

 

[Dave7]

I have invented some new things (its something I enjoy doing) so i took samples to the patent office.
The 1st one was a folding wallet, I explained it was called a fallet......he just smirked.
Next I showed him my folding water bottle and explained, I call it a fottle.....he laughed out loud.
I was so upset I walked out.
I didnt even get the chance to show him my folding bucket.

 

[Dave7]

A 45 year old wife comes back from her checkup with a smile. She says to her husband " the Doc says I've got the breasts of an 18 year old".
Grumpy husband says....."oh yeah, what did he say about your 45 year old a*se"?
She smiled and said "darling, your name never came up".

 

[Dave7]

My wife phoned on my mobile and said "dinners ready, if your not home in 10 minutes I'll give it to the dog".
I was home in 5..... damn, I love that dog too much.

 

[Dave7]

I have been talking to myself and even answering myself for a while now and that doesn't bother me.
But recently I find i have had to repeat myself because I wasn't paying attention.

 

[Andy in Germany]

European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare

American: I don't get it

European: I know.

 

[Punkawallah]

European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare

American: I don't get it

European: I know.

The number of times I’ve had to explain to Americans that ‘’free’ healthcare is no worse that ‘free’ national security, as both are paid for by taxation.

 

[Dave7]

Signs of health problems.
If you pee eg in the open ie on grass.....
1. If ants gather it means you have some form of diabetes.
2. If the grass dries it means you have high salt content.
3. If it smells like a BBQ it means your cholesterol is high.
4. If you walk away without pulling your pants up it means you have alzheimers.
Hope this helps

 

[Andy in Germany]

The number of times I’ve had to explain to Americans that ‘’free’ healthcare is no worse that ‘free’ national security, as both are paid for by taxation.

Indeed. Here it's mandatory insurance which is generally administered by state owned companies, who have to follow very strict rules about what is covered: in the end it works very much like the NHS if you are a patient.

What really winds some Americans up, is that German employers pay for another level of accident insurance for employees which covers me from leaving my house, my work day, to returning home. These insurers work like the Health and Safety Executive, so they can inspect workplaces.

 

[Andy in Germany]

Signs of health problems.
If you pee eg in the open ie on grass.....
1. If ants gather it means you have some form of diabetes.
2. If the grass dries it means you have high salt content.
3. If it smells like a BBQ it means your cholesterol is high.
4. If you walk away without pulling your pants up it means you have alzheimers.
Hope this helps

If you walk away without pulling your pants up it means you'll fall on your face so you have more health problems.

 

[Dave7]

Husband...."honey, I cant find the sugar"
Wife....."its in the cupboard, label says salt, its to fool the ants".
Husband......"oh, that is so clever"
Wife......."yes, a bit like you having Joanna under Frank on your phone"

 

[Dave7]

If anyone is interested i am selling a limited edition bottle of Chinese Tippex.

Its a correctors item.

 

[Dave7]

Regardless of the Mods on here I have decided that I will be posting some "adult" material
So..... stand by for my comments on back ache and knee pain.

 

[Sharky]

Regardless of the Mods on here I have decided that I will be posting some "adult" material
So..... stand by for my comments on back ache and knee pain.

Hope your not getting pain in both knees.
You won't have a leg to stand on.

 

[Alex321]

Remember before the internet, when people thought the cause of stupidity was lack of information?

Yeah, it wasn't that.