Any good jokes ... ?

[Dave7]

Wife :- do you really love me?
Husband :- of course I do
Wife :- how much?
Husband :- well, if we were on boat that was sinking and there was only one life jacket then I would really miss you.

 

[Profpointy]

People have no respect nowadays.
I was in church on Sunday and a woman lit a cigarette. I was so shocked I nearly dropped my beer.

A friend turned up with a black eye one morning. Explained he'd been in church and when the lady in front stood up, the back of her dress had got stuck in her arse crack so without thinking he reached forward and tugged it free, and she turned round and smacked him one.

As week later he turned up with a second black eye. He recounted sitting behind the same lady, and again her dress was trapped, but this time the chap next to her reached out and pulled it free. "Well I knew she didn't like that so I poked it back" ....

 

[tyred]

 

[Dave7]

A middle aged woman is taken to hospital as she is so poorly.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience and sees god. She asks God if she was dead and he tells her no, she has another 32 years to live.
So, she decides to make the best of it and while in hospital has a boob job, tummy tuck, liposuction and her lips enlarged. She also has her hair and nails done.
When she is completely finished she sets off home, gets as far as the car park and gets run over by an ambulance and does die.
She gets to heaven and has a rant at god asking why he didnt pull her out of the way of the ambulance.
God says...... "I'm sorry, I just didnt recognise you".

 

[Dave7]

I recently went to America so I could join a real cattle drive.
Day one I was asked to count how many heads of cattle we had.
I came back and reported that we had 193.
The boss man said "ok, round 'em up".... so I said "OK, make it 200"

 

[Dave7]

I once told my wife I was going to the shops and she asked me to bring back something that would make her looks sexy.
She wasnt impressed when I came home with a case of beer and a bottle of whisky.

 

[Dave7]

I went to a dental clinic to discuss getting implants.
The dentist said "bear in mind it will be some time before you can eat again"
I asked "is that because they will take time to bed down"?
He said "no, its because you won't be able to afford to".

 

[Dave7]

I entered a pub quiz last night but was eliminated in the 1st round.
The question was.....where do women have the curliest hair?
Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

 

[Punkawallah]

I entered a pub quiz last night but was eliminated in the 1st round.
The question was.....where do women have the curliest hair?
Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

A little harsh, considering no mention of ‘country’ in the question? Still, props to your executors for carrying out your last wishes and letting us know.

 

[tyred]

I made a satellite dish out of an old bin lid, but now all I can get on TV is a load of rubbish.

 

[Mike_P]

I made a satellite dish out of an old bin lid, but now all I can get on TV is a load of rubbish.

So it works fine.

 

[Andy in Germany]

So it works fine.

No worse than anyone else's, certainly.

 

[tyred]

Yesterday, my sister cooked a dinner for a homeless man.

This morning, he brought her a cookery book.

 

[Dave7]

The judge in a divorce case addresses the husband and says "Mr Jones, I have decided to award your wife £400 per month".
Mr Jones responds "that's very decent your honour and occasionally I will try to chip in with a bit myself".

 

[PeteXXX]

Might take a second glance
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