Welsh wheels
Lycra king
- Location
- South Wales
Say Beer can in a british accent
Congratulations, I just taught you how to say Bacon in a Jamaican accent.
Congratulations, I just taught you how to say Bacon in a Jamaican accent.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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TissoT
Guru
- Location
- The Home of British cycling
Dave was discussing his previous jobs he had worked on to his mate Tony
Dave: The last job i was on i had around 500 people under me.
Tony: oh yea what job was this then.
Dave: I was gutting grass at the cemetery:
Dave: The last job i was on i had around 500 people under me.
Tony: oh yea what job was this then.
Dave: I was gutting grass at the cemetery:
pawl
Legendary Member
- Location
- Desford Leicestershire
Went to the zoo today In one cage was a loaf.Asked a keepe what it was,he said it was bread in captivity.
One of my dad's favourite jokes.
raleighnut
Legendary Member
- Location
- One of the 'Elite'
How could he tell it was a Weasel,
A Weasel is weasily identifiable and a Stoat is stoatally different
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
Recreate the thrill of the Pamplona bull run by dropping £1 in Greggs.
wheresthetorch
Dreaming of Celeste
- Location
- West Sussex
Have you been ferreting around in your joke book again?
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
One of those Round Robin things, but it made I smile -
Tool Dictionary
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and sending anything in it's way flying across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
STIHL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG PIECE OF 4X2: Used for levering a car upward off a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut good sheet material into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the skip after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
TINMAN SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.
Tool Dictionary
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and sending anything in it's way flying across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
STIHL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG PIECE OF 4X2: Used for levering a car upward off a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut good sheet material into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the skip after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
TINMAN SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.
DaveReading
Don't suffer fools gladly (must try harder!)
- Location
- Reading, obvs
I hadn't seen that before - priceless !
Chris S
Legendary Member
- Location
- Birmingham
Shouldn't that be say 'beer can' in a British accent?
ClichéGuevara
Legendary Member
- Location
- Kingston upon the River Hull
Mr Celine
Discordian
- Location
- Waxing my moustache
My alma mater is Heriot-Watt University.
Try saying 'Heriot-Watt' in a Jamaican accent.
ADarkDraconis
Cardinal Member
- Location
- Ohio, USA
Nah, that joke was one ermine...
