Any good jokes ... ?

[twentysix by twentyfive]

A guy walks into the pub with a cocker spaniel and the barman says "No dogs allowed!"
Guy retorts, "You allow guide dogs."
The barman says "Yes, but they are either Alsatians or Labradors."
The guy replies, "Ah s***, what have they given me?"

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

 

[Dave7]

I was reading the football results in the Liverpool Echo and my wife said
"I sometimes think you love Liverpool more than you love me".
I said "Mrs.....I love Everton more than I love you".

 

[TVC]

I went on a positive thinking course, it was rubbish.

 

[postman]

A mate of mine who is blind.Asked me for a donation for his sponsored parachute jump.I gave him £50 telling him he was really brave.I said how will you know you are near the ground.He replied the dog's lead will go slack.

 

[postman]

Two Giants had never seen snow before.So they decide to go for a walk around the world.Both were amazed how beautiful everything looked.But after a while one asked where are we.So the first Giant put his hand in the snow and said Paris,how do you know,i can feel the Eiffel Tower,so on they walk.Where are we now so down goes the hand again.Sydney Australia ,i can feel the Opera House.So it went Where are we now down went the hand Egypt i can feel the Pyramids.well it began to get dark and so they decided enough was enough.so one last time the first Giant put his hand down in to the snow and his mate asked where are we.The first Giant remove his hand from the snow shook his hand looked at his wrist and said Liverpool,how do you know that,he replied some scouser has just pinched my watch.

 

[colly]

 

[Cavalol]

I can't remember how to write 51,6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

I AM LIVID.

 

[morrisman]

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's fully groan.

 

[swee'pea99]

 

[Stephenite]

I was singing Barry White songs on the karaoke last night and people in the crowd kept shouting

"You are soul! You are soul!"

I think they loved me .

 

[bruce1530]

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick? You could be entitled to compensation for Personal Ian Dury

 

[Fonze]

When I visited the doctor last week he said " you're a bit overweight, how much exercise do you do ? "
I said " does sex count ? "
He said "yes "
I said " none "

 

[Cavalol]

The hospital has just removed my left ventricle and atrium, my neighbour told me half heartedly.

 

[monkeytennis]