ComedyPilot
Secret Lemonade Drinker
- Location
- The Kingdom of Yorkshire
Any good jokes....?
Yeah, the UK road system, cycle infrastructure and the judicial system.
Yeah, the UK road system, cycle infrastructure and the judicial system.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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mrcunning
Über Member
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Marcus.
One afternoon, out of nowhere appeared her Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after
all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to
grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.Marcus, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.
"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to turn Marcus, my old cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically Marcus, suddenly underwent a change, and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could
match.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella.
Enjoy your new life." and with that she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Marcus looked into each
other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning perfect man
she had ever seen.
Then Marcus walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath:
"Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
One afternoon, out of nowhere appeared her Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after
all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to
grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.Marcus, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.
"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to turn Marcus, my old cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically Marcus, suddenly underwent a change, and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could
match.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella.
Enjoy your new life." and with that she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Marcus looked into each
other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning perfect man
she had ever seen.
Then Marcus walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath:
"Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
Waiting in a lay by ready to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his twos and blues and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his twos and blues and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
captain nemo1701
Space cadet. Deck 42 Main Engineering.
- Location
- Bristol
Two English blokes and an American are getting drunk in a bar in New York. The American says they should go up onto the roof where he will show them something amazing, so off they trot. On the roof, the American jumps off, flies about and floats back down to the roof.
'That's incredible' says the first English guy
'You can do it, just have confidence ' replies the American.
So the first English guy jumps off the roof and falls to his doom.
The second English guy turns to the American and says, "You know something Superman, you can be a right b*****d when you're drunk"
'That's incredible' says the first English guy
'You can do it, just have confidence ' replies the American.
So the first English guy jumps off the roof and falls to his doom.
The second English guy turns to the American and says, "You know something Superman, you can be a right b*****d when you're drunk"
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai."Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered."That is skill!" nodded the Emperor."How are you going to top that,Number three Samurai?"The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and Swoooooosh! flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead?" replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. But Circumcision...?!"
"Dead?" replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. But Circumcision...?!"
A bunch of Jewish guys were arranging a present for a retiring Rabbi.
They argued long into the night about the most appropriate present for their old Rabbi, a man who had seen them all into the world and been their counsel and guide for many years. It needed to be something that would remind the Rabbi of all his old friends.
Clocks, figurines, books, antiques, nothing seemed appropriate. Finally Mr Bloom had a brilliant idea.
They bought him a eucalyptus tree.
They argued long into the night about the most appropriate present for their old Rabbi, a man who had seen them all into the world and been their counsel and guide for many years. It needed to be something that would remind the Rabbi of all his old friends.
Clocks, figurines, books, antiques, nothing seemed appropriate. Finally Mr Bloom had a brilliant idea.
They bought him a eucalyptus tree.
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
Just next to the 'ow that's going to sting' button.
TissoT
Guru
- Location
- The Home of British cycling
What's the first thing a ball does when it stops !
It looks round ...
Dads old joke he used to tell me when I was a boy !
It looks round ...
Dads old joke he used to tell me when I was a boy !
TissoT
Guru
- Location
- The Home of British cycling
A guy parks his car on double yellow lines and gets out to go in the shop he then walks over the road , A traffic
Warden stops him and says " Exuse me why are you parked on double yellow lines what's your disability then"
The driver says " Toretts now F### off !
Warden stops him and says " Exuse me why are you parked on double yellow lines what's your disability then"
The driver says " Toretts now F### off !
Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
~ Timothy Jones
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
