Any good jokes ... ?

Chris S

Guru
Location
Birmingham
An elderly Nigerian clergyman has died leaving his entire £3 million fortune to his cat. The Reverend Charles Wales was quoted as saying, "I tried to give my money away on numerous occasions but nobody ever responded to my emails."
 

Mike Ayling

Active Member
An 85 year old couple were married almost 60 years before they both died. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and spa. As they looked in awe, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied. “This is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the greatest golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked: “What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply: “This is Heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured: “That’s the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said: “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
 

glasgowcyclist

Charming but somewhat feckless
Location
Scotland
This morning for Valentine's Day my wife suggested that I do something that would make her body tremble and her nipples stiffen.
So I turned the heating off.
 

postman

Legendary Member
Location
Meanwood ,Leeds
We had a healing service at church last night.To be honest i am a little bit on the skeptical side of that sort of praying.But i thought well i'll give it a go.It is also difficult for me with two hearing aids when there is a lot of background noise.But i went for it.So i finds myself stood in front of a guy.Hello i'm Bob,what do you need healing for.
My hearing he replied
Brilliant i thought here i am with two aids.
So i begin
Lord i ask you in your power to restore David's hearing.
He then stopped me by tapping my elbow.
Sorry Bob i should have said my court hearing i got done for speeding last week.
 
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