Any good jokes ... ?

[LCpl Boiled Egg]

Sean Connery's agent phones him up.

"Sean, I've got a job for you. Right up your street, but I'm afraid it's a bit of an early start"
"Go on..." says Sean
"I need you to be there for ten-ish" says the agent.
"Tenish?" says Sean, "But I don't have a racket."

 

[PaulB]

Played a bit of footie last night-

Won 3-0 on sand but then lost 2-0 on gravel. Overall 3-2 on aggregate.

 

[PaulB]

Just moved my stash of gin and vodka into the loft. I'm trying to keep my spirits up.

 

[Dayvo]

Boy: Mum, how much longer is this Corona virus thing going to last?

Mum: Be quiet and eat your toilet roll!

 

[CharlesF]

Me drinking home alone 2019:
Sad
Disturbing
Loser


Me drinking home alone 2020:
Citizen
Inspiration
Hero

 

[shornby]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure dead brilliant," says Jimmy.

"Av goat everythin organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah imagine she'll be in white.

 

[shornby]

Did you hear the one about the Irish sea scout ?











his tent SUNK!

 

[PaulB]

If you receive an email or WhatsApp with the subject “ding dong” don't open it, they're Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.

 

[Hardrock93]

Yesterday, we had 6 magpies, 8 jackdaws and 4 rooks in our garden. Then corvid 19 arrived.

 

[Salty seadog]

Last night, following the advice of the government, Sean Connery dismantled his favourite bookcase and put each individual part into a separate room.

Splendid.

 

[simon the viking]

 

[Cavalol]

I just asked my missus to put a nurses uniform on.
She said, "Why, are you feeling sexy?"
I said "No, we need bread."

 

[Dayvo]

Thoughts and prayers going out to all the married men who have been telling their wives .... 'I'll get around to it when I have time.'

 

[simon the viking]

At times like this I wish I was a bank robber.... at least I'd have a million quid hidden somewhere when I got out

 

[simon the viking]

At times like this I wish I was a bank robber.... at least I'd have a million quid hidden somewhere when I got out