Any good jokes ... ?

[betty swollocks]

My wife's run off with a tractor salesman !

She left me a John Deere letter

Must've got Massey.

 

[Salty seadog]

Wildebeest for sale, £750.
Like Gnu.

That's enough of that....

 

[The Central Scrutinizer]

Must've got Massey.

I used to like farm vehicles but now i'm an extractor fan.

 

[Cavalol]

 

[PeteXXX]

I used to like farm vehicles but now i'm an extractor fan.

Are we going to plough on with these puns!?

 

[Darius_Jedburgh]

Are we going to plough on with these puns!?

Some corny jokes here.

 

[Arjimlad]

Must've got Massey.

At least she got off my Case

 

[PaulB]

100 years ago, the rich owned cars and the poor owned horses. Today, the poor own cars and the rich own horses. How the stables have turned.

 

[Cavalol]

Can you help me with this clue in my crossword puzzle?

2 across. Where they nailed Jesus.

 

[betty swollocks]

My car wouldn't start this morning, so I opened the bonnet and saw a little bat sitting on the engine.
He commented. "You look great today, nice tan and have you lost weight? Fabulous outfit too."
So then I knew what was wrong.....
Bat flattery.

 

[Dave7]

My car wouldn't start this morning, so I opened the bonnet and saw a little bat sitting on the engine.
He commented. "You look great today, nice tan and have you lost weight? Fabulous outfit too."
So then I knew what was wrong.....
Bat flattery.

Even MrsD groaned at that. TBF she did laugh as well but she is married to me so easily pleased.

 

[Dayvo]

My wife's run off with a tractor salesman !

Was he a young Dutchman?

 

[Speicher]

Are we going to plough on with these puns!?

He has been expertly drilled and now he thinks he is out standing in his field.

 

[PeteXXX]

He has been expertly drilled and now he thinks he is out standing in his field.

Not furlong, though..

 

[Hover Fly]

A cut & paste job, but I thought it was funny - these are actual complaints received by a British Holiday Tour Company

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Back when I worked in tourism, I was chatting one of the sales staff up when a tourist came into the office, he picked a leaflet up “I can’t read that” (it was in Chinese) and threw it on the floor, went off muttering about looking after the foreigners, it’s our country bla bla. The English leaflet was next to the Chinese on the rack.