Any good jokes ... ?

[Vapin' Joe]

I said to my wife, "I can't remember the last time we had sex".

She replied, "I can, that's why we're not doing it".

 

[Toshiba Boy]

TV was dreadful this evening, so I decided to go to the pub.
"Put your coat on" I kindly said to my wife.
"Are you taking me out? " she replied happily.
"No, I'm turning the heating off"

 

[PaulB]

I'm up in court tomorrow for sentencing after getting caught nicking a DVD of the Elton John biopic Rocketman.
Not sure how long I'm going to get, but I think it's going to be a long, long time!

 

[Cavalol]

I heard a bloke singing, "Do... Re... Mi..." the other day.

I thought to myself, he'll go Fah.

 

[JtB]

I heard a bloke singing, "Do... Re... Mi..." the other day.

I thought to myself, he'll go Fah.

So?

 

[PeteXXX]

I heard a bloke singing, "Do... Re... Mi..." the other day.

I thought to myself, he'll go Fah.

So?

Was that Ray, or me?

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Was that Ray, or me?

Tea anyone?

 

[Hitchington]

I heard the inventor of homeopathy died by commiting suicide.
He took a massive underdose, apparently.

 

[Domus]

Was that Ray, or me?

Doh!

 

[Cavalol]

My favourite musical is 'The Sound Of U Can't Touch This' by Rodgers & Hammer Time.

 

[PK99]

 

[swee'pea99]

But of a stalemate between me an Scottish Power.

Our electricity meter is wonky, not surprising as it's near on 60 years old. Scottish Power want to fit a smart meter, and i've told them to sodu offu, and they're saying I have to have one, and I'm saying they can kiss my hairy arriss. If the guy turns up with anything resembling a share meter he simply won't get over the threshold.

Wrong thread?

 

[swee'pea99]

Mind you, least as funny as some of the posts on this thread...



I'm joking.

 

[Dirk]

There are 10 types of people in this world; those who understand the binary system and those who don't.

 

[simon the viking]

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I've unashamedly stolen this image for facebook