Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
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And all my life I just thought it was because the geese on one side were longer than those on t'other side
Mike Ayling
Guru
- Location
- Melbourne Downunda
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment to get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back and one by one told their stories. Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'
'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Emily. Connor, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My mum told me this story about my Aunty Susan. Aunty Susan was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your mother tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Susan when she's been on the piss.
'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Emily. Connor, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My mum told me this story about my Aunty Susan. Aunty Susan was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your mother tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Susan when she's been on the piss.
mistyoptic
Vintage
- Location
- A parallel reality
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the live dishes of the day.
The Waiter leads him over to a large tank, and the man examines the fish.
"I'll have the little green squid - the one in the corner with the hairy lip, please" says the man.
"O.K." replies the Waiter and calls out "Gervais!!" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the Waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices the sad look on its face.
Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the Waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the Waiter, "this is Hans, our dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher catches the squid, and wielding a huge rolling pin is just about to bludgeon the little green fella with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the Waiter, "it just goes to show. Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid......
The Waiter leads him over to a large tank, and the man examines the fish.
"I'll have the little green squid - the one in the corner with the hairy lip, please" says the man.
"O.K." replies the Waiter and calls out "Gervais!!" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the Waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices the sad look on its face.
Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the Waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the Waiter, "this is Hans, our dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher catches the squid, and wielding a huge rolling pin is just about to bludgeon the little green fella with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the Waiter, "it just goes to show. Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid......
ebikeerwidnes
Guru
- Location
- Z’ha’dum
I used to tell that joke many years ago
but i used to stretch it out to a ludicrous extent
I had a few like that - just as terrible in the joke department
one of my proudest moment as a Dad was when we went on a sort of cap thing - very vegan and worthy sort of thing in a replica of a Saxon round house
my daughter was the sweetest most innocent looking blond haired 10/11 year old girl you could imagine
there was a communal thing where anyone could stand up and sing ot tell a story
and she did one of my very worst ones
told in a totally innocent tone of voice from this angelic little child
and delivered the punchline to absolute perfection knowing exactly what a terrible joke it was
and immediately sat down
the assembled adult were totally stunned about this terrible joke being delivered so perfectly from such an apparently innocent source
Her Mum was furious and blamed me
It was hilarious!!
several of the men in the group came over and congratulated me afterwards while still laughing
Gwylan
Guru
- Location
- All at sea⛵
Lo
Look where that got him!
Look where that got him!
Didn't he do well?
He must have spent a long time in bed at night wondering whether to go higher or lower.
Are you an MP.
