Any good jokes ... ?

[Seevio]

What if the inventor of the umbrella wanted to call it a brella but hesitated when asked what it was called?

 

[Dave7]

My mate used to go out with a girl called Sue Denim..... ...until he found out.


think about it

 

[tyred]

 

[craigwend]

 

[Mr Celine]

Seen elsewhere:

"Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long career. He received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, based upon his years of service, that he would receive in addition to his pension.

The letter read:

"Dear Lt. Colonel Maclaren,
We write to confirm that you retired from the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards on 1st March 2001 at the rank of Lt Colonel, having been commissioned into the British Army at Edinburgh Castle as a 2nd Lieutenant on 1st February 1366.
Accordingly your lump sum payment, based on years served, has been calculated as £68,500. You will receive a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely
Army Paymaster”

Lt Colonel Maclaren replied;
“Dear Paymaster,
Thank you for your recent letter confirming that I served as an officer in the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards between 1st February 1366 and 1st March 2001 – a total period of 635 years and 1 month.
I note however that you have calculated my lump sum to be £68,500, which seems to be considerably less than it should be bearing in mind my length of service since I received my commission from King Edward III. By my calculation, allowing for interest payments and currency fluctuations, my lump sum should actually be £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p. I look forward to receiving a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely,
Robert Maclaren (Lt Col Retd)”

A month passed by and a stout manilla envelope from the Ministry of Defence arrived, it read:

“Dear Lt Colonel Maclaren,
We have reviewed the circumstances of your case as outlined in your recent letter to us dated 8th March inst. We do indeed confirm that you were commissioned into the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards by King Edward III at Edinburgh Castle on 1st February 1366, and that you served continuously for the following 635 years and 1 month. We have re-calculated your pension and have pleasure in confirming that the lump sum payment due to you is indeed £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.

However, we also note that according to our records you are the only surviving officer who had command responsibility during the following campaigns and battles;
The Wars of the Roses 1455 -1485
The Civil War 1642 -1651
The Napoleonic War 1803 – 1815
The Crimean War (1853 – 1856)
The Boer War (1899 -1902)
World War One (1914-1918).

We would therefore wish to know what happened to the following, which do not appear to have been returned to Quartermaster's Stores by you on completion of operations:
9765 Cannons
26,785 Swords
12,889 Pikes
127,345 Rifles (with bayonets)
28,987 horses (fully kitted)

Plus three complete marching bands with instruments and banners.

We have calculated the total cost of these items, allowing for interest payments and currency fluctuations, and they amount to £6,427,518.119.47p. We have therefore subtracted this sum from your lump sum, leaving a residual amount of £68,500, for which you will receive a cheque in due course.

Yours sincerely . . . .”"

In 1366 it would have been King David ll at Edinburgh Castle.

 

[DRM]

A bank robber goes into the bank, fires his gun at the ceiling, and yells at the customers to lie face down, in the ensuing chaos and panic his balaclava slips so his face becomes visible, he quickly puts it back on and asks a man laid in front of him, "did you see my face" the man says yes, and the robber shoots him dead, a second man is asked the same question, he too says yes, and is shot dead, the bank robber asks a third man if he saw his face, the man replies, " No I didn't, but the wife did" !

 

[DRM]

A bank robber goes up to the counter in a bank, and tells the bank teller "Hand over the money, this is a cock up" the bank teller is confused and says to the robber, "Don't you mean a hold up"? the robber says " No it's a cock up, I forgot my gun"!

 

[Dave7]

A bank robber goes up to the counter in a bank, and tells the bank teller "Hand over the money, this is a cock up" the bank teller is confused and says to the robber, "Don't you mean a hold up"? the robber says " No it's a cock up, I forgot my gun"!

So he didn't say "right, stick your hands up you bum" ?

 

[Sharky]

A bank robber goes into a bank and shouts "put your hands up, or your geography"
One of the customers says "don't you mean History?"
Bank robber says "don't change the subject"

 

[tyred]

 

[Profpointy]

Don't think I've posted this before, but I get muddled these days. I assumed the comment is from someone where the word "woosh!" applies

 

[Alex321]

Don't think I've posted this before, but I get muddled these days. I assumed the comment is from someone where the word "woosh!" applies

View attachment 801569

Well it certainly applies to me.

I have absolutely no idea where there might be some sort of joke in that, beyond just being obviously pointless.;

 

[markemark]

I think it’s a fairly basic joke on the misunderstanding that you can see the other player’s moves like you would in, say, a card game. And it’s then compounded with the explanation also making the same incorrect assumption.

 

[MichaelW2]

This is a joke based on classes of game in Game Theory.
Chess is an example of a game with perfect information, as each player can see all the pieces on the board at all times.
Unlike games of perfect information that always have a pure strategy Nash equilibrium, imperfect information games often require mixed strategies, and the appropriate equilibrium concept is generally a Bayesian Nash Equilibrium or a Perfect Bayesian Equilibrium.

 

[Profpointy]

This is a joke based on classes of game in Game Theory.
Chess is an example of a game with perfect information, as each player can see all the pieces on the board at all times.
Unlike games of perfect information that always have a pure strategy Nash equilibrium, imperfect information games often require mixed strategies, and the appropriate equilibrium concept is generally a Bayesian Nash Equilibrium or a Perfect Bayesian Equilibrium.

Arguably chess isn't really a "game" as Von Neumann and Morganstern, and later Nash looked into as it is really just a puzzle