Any good jokes ... ?

[Dave7]

I said to my friend "I've become a psychic ". He asked "when did that start"?
I said "next Thursday".

 

[Dave7]

There has been an explosion at a French cheese factory.
There is de brie everywhere.

 

[craigwend]

 

[craigwend]

 

[Vapin' Joe]

 

[Cavalol]

A man is walking through the Sahara desert dying of thirst shouting 'water, water' to nobody at all. 'Water, water' he continues, until finally he finds a cluster of different pastel coloured tents.
He wonders to himself if it's one of those mirages he's heard about, or is it simply the relentless heat of the merciless sun, pulsating on the top of his head, sending him crazy.
Anyhow, he decides to carry on and see what happens and to his delight they are real! He crawls into the fist tent saying 'Water, water, please give me water!' "Sorry" came the reply, "we only have jelly and custard here" so he staggers into the next tent and cries 'Water, water, please give me water!' "Sorry" came the reply, "we only have jelly and custard here"
This goes on with same reply in every tent until he comes to the very last one. 'Water, water, please give me water' he croaked, 'for heaven's say I'm dying here'.
To his delight they have some and the man says "Please don't drink it too quickly, it'll make you sick". 'No problem' he replied, 'Thank you so much you have saved my life. All the other tents only had jelly and custard, I can't believe it!'

"Well" came the reply, "It is a trifle bazaar"

 

[Dave7]

This trouble in the East is starting to affect supplies in the UK.
Shell are restricting customers to 12 Ltrs of fuel.
Esso are restricting customers to only 10 Ltrs of fuel.
Aldi are restricting customers to 1 neoprene diving suit, 1 24v cordless drill and 1 doggy sleeping basket.

 

[Dag Hammar]

View attachment 802720

Vapin’ Joe, I see you enjoyed this joke so much that you not only “liked” it on Friday the 13 March you considered it worthy of a repeat performance 🤣.
(previous post number 34167)

 

[matticus]

A man is walking through the Sahara desert dying of thirst shouting 'water, water' to nobody at all. 'Water, water' he continues, until finally he finds a cluster of different pastel coloured tents.
He wonders to himself if it's one of those mirages he's heard about, or is it simply the relentless heat of the merciless sun, pulsating on the top of his head, sending him crazy.
Anyhow, he decides to carry on and see what happens and to his delight they are real! He crawls into the fist tent saying 'Water, water, please give me water!' "Sorry" came the reply, "we only have jelly and custard here" so he staggers into the next tent and cries 'Water, water, please give me water!' "Sorry" came the reply, "we only have jelly and custard here"
This goes on with same reply in every tent until he comes to the very last one. 'Water, water, please give me water' he croaked, 'for heaven's say I'm dying here'.
To his delight they have some and the man says "Please don't drink it too quickly, it'll make you sick". 'No problem' he replied, 'Thank you so much you have saved my life. All the other tents only had jelly and custard, I can't believe it!'

"Well" came the reply, "It is a trifle bazaar"

One of my favourite golden-oldies

 

[Cavalol]

 

[Punkawallah]

“Burn cream is on aisle six”.

 

[Dave7]

Police are investigating a series of thefts at local butchers shops where only sausages have been stolen.
A spokesman said they think they are all linked.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Police are investigating a series of thefts at local butchers shops where only sausages have been stolen.
A spokesman said they think they are all linked.

That is the wurst joke I have seen today

 

[Dave7]

Now you know why garages have paper towels next to the pumps. They are to dry your tears up after you pay for the fuel.

 

[Dave7]

I smiled at a woman in the pub.
She said "when you smile at me like that it makes me want to invite you back to my place"
I said"oh good, are you single then".
She said "no, im a dentist".