Any ideas on how to cope with my brother?

[w00hoo_kent]

It really doesn't sound good does it.

If I were in your shoes I would go the route of succinctly telling your brother that you aren't able to get involved with this because it will hurt you too much. I wouldn't go in to details, I think the suggestion above of offering up "if you can accept that I don't need to be convinced I'm wrong about this, I'll go in to more detail, if you can't you'll just have to leave it at 'I can't be involved'" is very sensible. Give him the option to ask for more details, but on the proviso that he is hearing your story and not fixing your problems.

If I've done my maths right, that makes it 36 years since you've last had contact with this man. That's a lot of time to change who you are and plenty of time to get in to serious trouble if you haven't. I wouldn't be surprised if you and your brother aren't reminders of a life that he doesn't want to think about (indeed may not have told his family about) and that your brothers attempt to contact him actually fails anyway.

Finally, there are charities that deal with finding missing parents, I know that ones linked to adoption exist but I imagine there are similar ones for abandonment (possibly the same ones) they will offer a go between service so you can attempt contact without giving away your own contact details. Aside from it being another stalling opportunity, I would suggest that your brother uses this method to get in touch. If it turns out that this man hasn't changed in 36 years, then keeping a layer of insulation at the start of things could prove very sensible.

I hope you come out of this in the best possible situation for you.

 

[Sods_Laur]

I understand the concern you have that you know things about your dad that your brother was too young to know.

Regardless of how immature your brother may be I don't think it would be fair to withhold information from him. You may be looking out for him as his older sister but I'm not sure that is how he would perceive it.

I think your first priority is yourself, and the second your brother. I think you should explain to him why you want nothing to do with your dad. You don't have to go into detail and if your aunt can help with this conversation that would be ideal.

There's been no suggestion yet that your dad wants contact with your brother. So maybe the worry is for nothing. But if it isn't, you have to tell your brother something before he upsets your life without realising what he has done. And that situation would be awful.

 

[Kestevan]

I'm with Fnaar on this one. I'd give your Brother the opportunity to ask you what you know, without forcing any unpleasant truths down his throat if he's not prepared to listen. Explain why you can't get involved.

If he's determined to find his father it's likely that he'll find out for himself what an arse he is. When this happens, be there to pick up the pieces, as that's pretty much all you can do.

Been there with my step-daughter and her dad.... not much cure for reality I'm afraid, but better they find out for themselves rather than putting the parent on a pedestal.

 

[Over The Hill]

Wow, quite a tough one.

My parents separated when I was about 9, with my father being the one labelled as being "to blame". Back then, it was more that you were with one parent and not the other. Upshot was that I lost contact with my father for 25 years. He made contact out of the blue and we now have some sort of relationship, perhaps as you would with an uncle rather than a father.

When contact was re-made I decided to not load it with baggage, not to blame either party and to say that was then and this is now.

So I would say you should let your brother know what you know, simply as he should know what info there is. If he wants to make contact then he should, when all is said and done it is his father and he should not be blocked from that contact. But you of course are quite right to decide not to if you wish, and to make it clear that you want nothing to do with him if you wish.

It may go all sour but then it may turn out really well. In my case it is about half and half. Your brother sounds to be the problem rather than the father! As long as you make it clear to him to expect anything (father may not want anything to do with him) and he has to deal with it himself then it may be good for him. He may have some issues there to sort out.

You sound like you are taking on a huge support role within the family. Tell brother to man up and take his share or at least not add to your burden.

Hope it works out.

 

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

Well just finished on one of those phonecalls... managed to get him to delay sending a reply to our aunt and have got him to agree to tell me the contents as well.
I don't want him to send it because its father's day soon, so he has agreed to leave it until next week. at least he will have had time to think about what he wants - he has agreed that he only wants information, rather than to meet him - which is a huge relief because I know he will only want to know 'why' and it won't help anyone because there is no answer to the mess.

I have also asked him outright what he knows about our father. He knows some of it. Our maternal grandfather has spoken with him once about the subject and my brother picked up on some of the warning signs... he has also spoken a touch with our mother and his godmother and knew about the drug dealing and me being stoned for well over a week at the age of 6 months. He wasn't aware that it was more than once... just thankful he does not (yet?) want to meet him. I have made it clear to him I don't want to meet him. Happy to know when he is dead, not interested in attending the funeral etc. My brother has his surname, was better than our ex-step-father's, I thankfully have married so dealt with that hurdle!

Our father would never have had the chance (and never tried to) to contact us or trace us, not least of all because he was living and resident outside of the commonwealth (something that affected my early career despite me not knowing the guy!), but there were also other reasons, including his belief that the child should make some effort - something a 4 year old and a 7 year old did not understand (mind you as an adult I don't understand that one either!)

On the bright side of things my brother is still talking to me and didn't get angry or yell on the phone (yep, been there) and actually held a semi-sensible conversation with me, so I should be able to rationalise with him and get him to think about his actions first.

More positive than it could have been (as much as I enjoyed last years 4 months without his inane ramblings!) - thanks folks

 

[swee'pea99]

Seems to me Fnaar is pretty much on the money here: "If I were you, I'd probably say something like 'look, I know some truly horrible facts about him which mean that I never want to see him, nor can I be party to your attempts to find him. If you want to know why, come and see me and I'll explain."

The only thing I'd change is a slight shift of emphasis, to at least try to get him to show a bit of consideration to you. He's obviously used to seeing you as 'the rock of the family' - it's probably never occurred to him to even consider that you might be hurting, metaphorically or literally. Perhaps it's time to enlighten him.

I'd be a touch more direct/harsh than Fnaar, along the lines of: You've been going on about this for years. If you really want to find him, do. You're a grown up. But please don't ask or expect me to have anything to do with it. I've never wanted to get in touch with him, given what he did to us. I've since learned things that make me even less inclined. Plus, I've just had an operation. So: if you ask me, I think you should forget all about it, and him. If you insist on going ahead, that's your choice. I'll always be here to help you as far as I can with whatever hurt emerges from that - because you will get hurt, be under no illusions. But for now, leave me out. I don't want it, I really don't need it, and I refuse to be involved, for the sake of my own health and sanity.

Your concern does you credit, but he needs a bit of a reality check, it seems to me. You have a life too.

 

[summerdays]

I haven't really any advice but do you know fro, the aunt if he is a changed person?

 

[raleighnut]

I don't like putting likes on comments other people have since made on this topic any more but I do agree that some good advice has been given, I really think that you should concentrate on yourself and getting over the latest op before you have to deal with this situation.
Let your brother go his own way on this but be prepared to have to pick up the pieces. People can change but often seem to when they haven't.

 

[shouldbeinbed]

I'm much in the Fnarr camp with swee'pea & would lay it on the line about your non involvement too. Tell Bro that if he does eventually make contact with or without meeting him, that conversation or information about you is absolutely off limits. Bro is not to mention you and if yr father does, then bro is not to answer and move on regardless of context.

Hope you get well soon from the op and remember there's a time and place to lean on the ones that love you, if this isn't that time then I can't imagine what would be.

 

[raleighnut]

+1 from me