Atrocities Committed in Hollywood.

[AndyRM]

Look what they did to "Straw dogs"

The Straw Dogs massacre is like the sequels to The Matrix: never happened, in my mind at least.

 

[MissTillyFlop]

Inspired by a vague misunderstanding with @welsh dragon on the "What Film" thread, I have been compelled to share my thoughts on the barbarism that is taking place on the silver screen. For too long Hollywood has been getting away with murder without question; neutering once proud bastions of story-telling, adventure, violence, swearing and unfeasible machismo for a pathetic modern generation.

Presented in no particular order are my thoughts on films which have been desecrated.

Robocop

Paul Verhoeven created three of my favourite films in the 80s/90s and Robocop is the most recent to have been castrated by the 12A brigade. I don't quite understand how an ultra violent satirical masterpiece has been tuned down to the point where it's acceptable for pre-teens to watch; I suspect Michael Bay convincing us that robots are good guys has played a part.

Total Recall

I made it through about an hour of this disaster. The lack of a naked three bosomed alien and the cruel omission of Arnie in even a cameo role was just too much to take. Even my wife, who has an inexplicable crush on Colin Farrell couldn't watch the whole thing, which says rather a lot.

Die Hard

"Yippeekayai motherf_cker" is probably the greatest catch phrase ever. It's up there with "Get to da choppa" and "We're gonna need a bigger boat" in the pantheon of fantastic one liners. And yet the modern incarnations of John McClane aren't allowed to say it on screen. Sure, Die Hard 4.0 got a vaguely retooled DVD with the blood and swearing chucked back in, but it felt like an apology. The latest effort set in Russia is just an embarrassment.

Indiana Jones

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was actually going alright until George Lucas apparently overdosed on PCP and chucked aliens into the mix. There were Nazis, car chases, improbable twists... Staples of an Indiana Jones film. But it all went horribly wrong in the last half hour. If you've not watched the film, turn it off when they get to the temple and you'll think you've watched something decent.

Star Wars

There is so much wrong with the modern Star Wars backstory that I'm not entirely sure where to start. Jar Jar Binks? Ewan McGregor's abysmal accent? The vacuous eyes of Natalie Portman? Jar Jar Binks? The complete removal of fear from Darth Vader, knowing his lame origins? Once again I suspect that Mr. Lucas had been dabbling with powerful psychotropic drugs. It's really the only explanation for Jar Jar Binks.

Ringu

The Japanese trilogy is atmospheric, disturbing, interesting and thought provoking. Pretty much the opposite of the needless remakes for an English speaking audience. See also, Let the Right One In and Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. And Dark Water. And The Grudge.

In the interest of presenting a balanced viewpoint, here are two modern incarnations of films which have done well. It's no coincidence that they are both Stallone efforts - he's not a man to be trifled with and has, to his credit, not allowed his characters to be ruined.

Rocky Balboa

Yes, it's an implausible premise and has a bit of a cop out ending, but it's still a damn fine Rocky film. It looks a bit glossier and has lost a little of the rough and tumble grit from days of yore, but that doesn't stop it being an inspirational slice of movie excellence.

Rambo

The only thing missing from this is a bit of goat football, or whatever it's called. This has everything you'd expect from a Rambo film: a troubled conscience, idiots in need of being saved, limbs being shot off enemies. It's an unflinching take on the barbarity of war and the attitude of a mercenary which is to be commended.

I could have included the mindless reworking of horror classics, but that would have resulted in a post of objectionable length. I don't think I've made any glaring omissions but let me know if I have. Speculation on future disasters is also welcome!

Also Carrie and Evil Dead.

 

[AndyRM]

Also Carrie and Evil Dead.

Carrie is another one that I've not seen, but the latest remake looked promising. It can't be any worse than the 2002 TV movie (which worryingly almost spawned a TV series...)

Evil Dead I don't agree with you on. As a horror movie it is effective and pleasingly violent. Yes, it lacks the humour of the original as well as the majesty of Bruce Campbell's chin, but compared to other "modern" horror re-makes it is pretty good.

 

[MissTillyFlop]

Carrie is another one that I've not seen, but the latest remake looked promising. It can't be any worse than the 2002 TV movie (which worryingly almost spawned a TV series...)

Evil Dead I don't agree with you on. As a horror movie it is effective and pleasingly violent. Yes, it lacks the humour of the original as well as the majesty of Bruce Campbell's chin, but compared to other "modern" horror re-makes it is pretty good.

It is not a bad film per se, it's merely that I don't see the point in remaking an already perfect film: use the same skills and production values to work with some new writing and foster emerging writing talent.

 

[AndyRM]

Actually, I've just thought of a horror re-make which bucks the trend - Hills Have Eyes.

The 1977 Wes Craven effort is brutal, but the re-imagined version from 2006 is completely uncompromising.

It is not a bad film per se, it's merely that I don't see the point in remaking an already perfect film: use the same skills and production values to work with some new writing and foster emerging writing talent.

I see where you're coming from and largely agree with you. That said, Evil Dead II was basically a remake of Evil Dead so maybe it's a bit of a grey area.

On a Sam Raimi theme, I've got high hopes for Army of Darkness 2. What could possibly go wrong...?

 

[benb]

The Thing (1982) was a brilliant remake of the 1951 original.

Sometimes remakes work very well and can tell the story in a different way or updated for a modern audience.
I don't have much time for these constant remakes for no reason. (other than $$)

 

[surfdude]

the day the earth stood still . another classic ruined beyond belief and don't get me started on the war of the worlds . just goes to show cgi is not everything .

i did like Dredd , far better than the raid with its predictable kung fu rubbish at the end .

 

[AndyRM]

The Thing (1982) was a brilliant remake of the 1951 original.

Sometimes remakes work very well and can tell the story in a different way or updated for a modern audience.
I don't have much time for these constant remakes for no reason. (other than $$)

The Thing is a good shout. Unfortunate that they tried again in 2011 and f_cked it up badly.

 

[booze and cake]

I read the comics so thought the Judge Dredd with Stallone was utterly dreadful. Not quite as bad Keanu Reeves playing Constantine in Hellblazer, I mean, a hard drinking, hard smoking scouser who makes a deal with the devil......played by Keanu, really?? I mean he could have been give a part as a table maybe.....

And that's just reminded me of another travesty, Stallone in Get Carter, oh sweet Jesus whoever sat in the meeting agreeing that needs to have a long hard look in the mirror and consider another career.

 

[DWiggy]

Now the re boot of Star Trek is awsome

 

[AndyRM]

the day the earth stood still . another classic ruined beyond belief and don't get me started on the war of the worlds . just goes to show cgi is not everything .

i did like Dredd , far better than the raid with its predictable kung fu rubbish at the end .

War of the Worlds was abysmal. I watched it because Rob Zombie was a set consultant. Big mistake.

 

[AndyRM]

Now the re boot of Star Trek is awsome

If it's not got William Shatner or Leonard Nimoy in, I'm not interested.

 

[John the Canuck]

''Nikita, also called La Femme Nikita, is a 1990 Franco-Italian action thriller film written and directed by Luc Besson.''

the American version/spinoff was absolute rubbish.!

 

[swee'pea99]

I make a point of not watching remakes of films I've loved - The Italian Job and Wickerman being just a couple this thread has brought to mind. I never, for that reason, saw the new Assault on Precinct 13 - the original was a lo-budget masterpiece; why remake it? Did anyone see it? Was it any good?

 

[MisterStan]

Alfie. Jude Law. Enough said.