Cycling jokes..?

[G3CWI]

Got a puncture last week. Hardly surprising; there was a fork in the road.

 

[glenn forger]

Went in the bike shop, asked for their best climber, you want the Dawes he said, it does half the work for you.

Excellent, I said, gimme two.

 

[w00hoo_kent]

Got a puncture last week. Hardly surprising; there was a fork in the road.

I know, I got one last week, looked down, someone had attached a pair of forks to my handlebars..

 

[Cycleops]

A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. "What's in the bags?" asked the guard. "Sand," the cyclist replied. "Get them off. We need to take a look." The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand.

The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand.

This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city. "Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"

The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"

The old ones are the best!

 

[downfader]

A young man is locking his bike against some railings outside a pub when he hears a voice.

"Dont you DARE go into that den of iniquity..!"
Bemused he turns around to see a Nun pointing at him, "Do you mean the pub? Yes I'm going in there for a drink."

"Immoral, outrageous place full of addiction and temptation, stay away! STAY away!"
"Have you ever been in a pub? Or even had a drink?"
"No. Never touched a drop."
"Then how can you judge? I'll tell you what, I'll go in and buy you a drink and then you can judge for yourself." said the man.

"I wouldnt even know what ladies drink" replied the Nun.

"I'll get you a glass of gin, and then you can judge this place for yourself" He goes in, takes off his bicycle clips and approaches the bar, "Barman can I have a pint and a Gin..."

"Is that bloody Nun out there again!!!?"

 

[Drago]

Went on holiday with my twin brother, but all he did was fart, burp, and swear, so I pushed him off a cliff.

I was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

 

[crazyjoe101]

UK cycle infrastructure. lol.

 

[Drago]

Sorry ducky, my bad. Was supposed to have been a cycling holiday, but my side's were splitting so much I muffed it up.

 

[Cycleops]

 

[Shut Up Legs]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Fiddy Cen. (or 50cent he does mumble a little haha)

Actually, according to several websites, it was Emo Philips who said that, so if 50cent is claiming this as his own, then he's plagiarising.

 

[Indigo one]

A young lady, being persistantly chatted up by a man, decides to put an end to his advances...
"Look, thanks for the invite for a drink but I'm on my menstrual cycle..."
He replies,"Cool, I'm on my mountain bike, you can follow me to the pub"

 

[AndyRM]

Actually, according to several websites, it was Emo Philips who said that, so if 50cent is claiming this as his own, then he's plagiarising.

I've seen it attributed to Al Pacino as well. Weird. But you're right, it was definitely Emo Philips.

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion