Don't do as I do...

[gbb]

Like everything in life, there are pros and cons to every decision and action we make. Dont do as i do..is just another example.
Do you realise how wonderfully advanced the human race would be if we all learned from others mistakes. We'd be light years ahead. But we don't. We all 'find our own way' and make our mistakes, even though others have done the same for generations before us. We learn nothing.
I tell my son to be 'intelligent' with money (he spends it like water). I've always been careful financially and bear the fruits now. So i'm not being hypocritical, and i dont assume myself to be domineering. Its done because you have a (or what you consider to be) useful piece of information to pass on. Nothing more, nothing less (in my case)
Mind, there's a difference between 'passing that piece of information on'...and outright enforcing it against someones will. Thats wrong.

 

[snailracer]

...
Depends on who he was and what his reasons were for (a) telling me not to smoke; (b) carrying on smoking himself; and © whether I agreed with his interpretation of my best interests. You present a false dichotomy because you assume that "for the best reasons" means that it's correct. If he were my only source of information, what reason could he give that was so compelling I should refuse even to try it, despite him carrying on doing it?
...

I presented a simplified dichotomy, not a false one. You have merely substituted it with a simplified trichotomy. It is possible to generate any number of subjective "arguments", as human beings are complicated, all are different and there is no agreed basis for which human qualities hold more sway than others.

But then that is the problem with the subjective approach - humans are not machines, our thinking is analogue and fuzzy, and two humans can either clarify or further confuse matters with overwrought overanalyses.

 

[Piemaster]

I couldn't do that. I couldn't tell someone not to do something I had done unless I considered that something a mistake.

I also wouldn't pay much attention to someone who told me I shouldn't do something while continuing to do it himself and saying it was great unless there was a very specific reason why that something was unsuitable for me to do (lack of 3D vision, lack of necessary physical capacity/attributes, he knew me well enough to know I'd absolutely hate it -- and even then I might be tempted to give it a go and risk getting an "I told you so").

But then, my philosophy is that you'll always regret not trying something more than trying and failing, or trying and not liking it. Also, I'm not a parent.

Sam

This.
Being a parent is a very hard habit to break, once you have a child you are a parent evermore. From caring for a newborn to nipping round to a parents for the occasional meal (as I still do). Parents are constantly risk assessing for their offspring, then stepping in and doing the self same thing for them.
As they grow and develop you can start to 'let go' and let them make their own mistakes as they are more capable of making an informed decision on the risk/benefits themselves, eg starting smoking and the health risks it brings. I find the letting go thing easier to do than my wife does, but I'm more a risk taker than she is.

For me experience counts for a lot. Would I let DS cycle into the town centre now? No. Would I let him after he has had some more experience (accompanying me) on quieter roads, then dealing with busier routes, then going solo. Yes. It's just being a parent and what I'm comfortable with, not necessarily what he is comfortable with.

I'd add that similar scenarios crop up at work too. I work in a dangerous enviroment, what I regard as safe isn't the same for those with less experience.

 

[BearPear]

I think that giving "advice" to friends is immeasurably different to giving advice to family. If you told a friend not to smoke/drive drunk/pick an arguement with the pub idiot and they go ahead and do it anyway, the consequences are theirs. If it is your family you face the consequences too. Surely as a parent you are passing on your knowledge and have a duty to guide your offspring to the best of your ability?

I am a mum of 2 teenagers and they have their own skills and experiences, but I think I know where their weaknesses are. Having said that, it isn't my job to wrap them in cotton wool, but to let them do their thing, learn lessons both good and bad along the way but to come home safely at the end of the day. Unless you are a parent (and I don't mean to patronise non-parents out there) you cannot imagine how you feel towards your children, and this drives you to act to protect them to the best of your ability. It is a skill, learning to balance care and letting them spread their wings and make their own mistakes.

 

[GrumpyGregry]

fascinating debate.

 

[pshore]

It's a funny thing danger.

As soon as my son could crawl he was always trying to climb the stairs. Sometimes you would turn your back for 30 seconds then find him wobbling near the top step looking like he was about to fall down - your parent mind races with what-ifs. The best lesson he learned was falling from the second step - it hurt enough that he never went up the stairs alone again.

With our first born, we had two stair gates. I took them out after seeing too many adults, at the top of the stairs, trip and stumble whilst walking though them.


There is a flip side to taking away all danger and adrenaline from our loved ones. I know from personal experience that without any danger it is possible to get depressed (not in a big way). For some, it is a required physical response. I would rather have some, than none. We are all different and it is best not to impose our needs onto others.

 

[darkstar]

My starters for 10.... Things I do or used to do that I wouldn't want my loved ones to do...

I discouraged my son from playing rugby union (my daughter was never offered the option)

Why would you do that? Rugby Union gives so much when growing up. It provides fitness, sporting skill, social skills, respect, experience of competition, experience of formal occasions, experience of team spirit etc. I literally can't think of a single reason why a bloke would prevent his son from playing Rugby?

Edit- Just seen you reason. My dad's fingers are all bent from being broken, he broke his legs, was concussed and and had all manor of other injuries. The day i turned 7 he too me down to the local Rugby club and got me involved, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. If we let what 'could happen' dictate what we do, then life would be very boring.

 

[GrumpyGregry]

Why would you do that? Rugby Union gives so much when growing up. It provides fitness, sporting skill, social skills, respect, experience of competition, experience of formal occasions, experience of team spirit etc. I literally can't think of a single reason why a bloke would prevent his son from playing Rugby?

Edit- Just seen you reason. My dad's fingers are all bent from being broken, he broke his legs, was concussed and and had all manor of other injuries. The day i turned 7 he too me down to the local Rugby club and got me involved, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. If we let what 'could happen' dictate what we do, then life would be very boring.

Permanent impairment of mental faculties from a brain injury is not entirely life enhancing ime. Yes I got a lot out of the game but it came with a very big but.

I don't consider that I lead an even slightly boring life btw. But I won't cycle on the main carriageway of the Crawley-Brighton stretch of the A23 on the basis of what 'could happen'. Most cyclist around here appear to agree with me. I don't drive drunk for the same reason. Most drivers around here appear to agree with me too.

I think the vast majority of people make choices that preclude them from certain activities on the basis of what 'could happen' and the world is a better place because of it.

 

[Reiki_chick]

Interesting stuff on this thread.

Reminds me of my friends, who are parents, telling me half-woefully, "I'm saying all the things to my children that I swore I'd never say!"

Speaking as a non-parent, and someone whose loved ones are pretty much all adult, any discomfort I might feel around their choices and decisions is most definitely more about me than it is about them! I don't imagine that I know better than others how they should live their life. And I like to think I can learn to live mine better by recognising my own fears, prejudices, concerns and limitations as reflected in the actions of others.

It's all good stuff.

 

[darkstar]

Permanent impairment of mental faculties from a brain injury is not entirely life enhancing ime. Yes I got a lot out of the game but it came with a very big but.

I don't consider that I lead an even slightly boring life btw. But I won't cycle on the main carriageway of the Crawley-Brighton stretch of the A23 on the basis of what 'could happen'. Most cyclist around here appear to agree with me. I don't drive drunk for the same reason. Most drivers around here appear to agree with me too.

I think the vast majority of people make choices that preclude them from certain activities on the basis of what 'could happen' and the world is a better place because of it.

Agree Re. Drink driving, But stopping your son playing rugby because of an unfortunate incident that happened to you is wrong IMO, but thats all opinion. I know someone who died snowboarding, it doesn't stop me doing it though, as I know he wouldn't want it to.

Oh and I didn't mean to insinuate that you have a boring life, that came out wrong.